nultygoestopartick

Saturday Smile

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:41:57 +0100

Carol Thatcher went to apply for a job with the Labour Party. After her interview she waited anxiously for the outcome.

After a long silence Gordon Brown said "We do have an opening for a person like you." "Oh, gweat," she said, "What is it?" "It's called the fuckin door!"

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I Knew They Were Skint But...................................

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:21:12 +0100

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A Wee Quickie

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:31:21 +0100

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?

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There is Green and There is Green

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:50:47 +0100

Jesus and Saint Peter are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Peter agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Peter tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Peter is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.

Ever hopeful of some help Peter slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Peter's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Peter. "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, ya diddy?"

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Fings Aint What They Used To Be

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:38:47 +0100

I overheard this conversation yesterday. ''Mum you know when I lay down in your bed last night I shut my eyes and I couldn't shut my eyes, as much as I tried I just couldn't shut my eyes''

''But if you shut your eyes you must have shut your eyes, if your eyes were shut they couldn't be open, stands to reason''

''Yes but not really, my eyes were shut but I couldn't get no shut eye like when your blinking your eyes ain't shut when you are blinking are they''

Well they ain't bleedin open are they? other wise you would say they were open, not blinking, blinking idiot''

'' No I aint you just don't understand modern fings''

''O look a quiz I'm good at quiz's mum''
''yes so am I''

Mastermind beckons ..............Specialist subject Sleep Patterns

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Rab C Goes To Partick

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:24:32 +0100

Saturday night being halloween I could hardly resist the chance to dress up and make afool of myself.

So I was rather convincing in a string vest, headband and a few choice renditions and rants in the style of Rab C Nesbit.
As the night got longer I got drunker and ended up like a black and white minstral´s take on Rab C with my face blackened and a white Afro wig to go with my string vest and headband

Mary Doll, AKA Annie was in very forgiving mood on Sunday morning but sadly it didn´t extend to a game of bouncy bouncy.

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Well Done Stephen

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:42:01 +0100

My young brother had a Subarachnoid Brain Hemorrhage two years ago this month and he sent me a copy of his account of how he felt before during and after the event.

He had written it for the Headway Website a help group for people who have had head injuries.

You made me very proud,very tearful and very glad you are still with us.

Well done you.

If you know of anyonne who has had a head injury put them in touch with this group.

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Friday Funny

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:01:20 +0100

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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Hello.........Emm.................. Goodbye

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:58:09 +0100

Annie and I decided to go and get some money from the bank yesterday as the Euro was up to 112. We left at one thirty. We seen a friend of ours sitting the April Fool so we went in for a quick drink........we got to the bank at seven o'clock and then went to the Rob Roy then to the Claddagh

We will have to stop being so sociable it's costing us a fortune just to say hello..................

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Fair Exchange

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:51:44 +0100

A boy from the highlands of Scotland and his father were visiting a mall in Glasgow. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old woman in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, " quick Stewart go and get your mammy."

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Every Cloud

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:03:58 +0100

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's ok then?

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The Big fFght

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:20:29 +0100

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the big fight started...

**********

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the big fight started....

**********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the big fight started...

**********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the big fight started.....

*********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the big fight started...

**********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the big fight started...

**********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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Sunday Snigger

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:26:27 +0100

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what, years? The doctor interrupts, "nine................... eight..............seven"

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Must take in Fluids

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:14:47 +0100

It is roasting here I don't know what the temperature is exactly but I have had two changes of shorts and three showers and it's only eleven o'clock.

Me thinks it is a drinking day....Magners and ice yip that's it Magners and ice.

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Saturday Smile

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:18:43 +0200

wo five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

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Peace ,Perfect Peace

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:19:53 +0200

I seen this yesterday in the Local paper.

I want to die in my sleep just like my dad
Not like the three other idiots in the car, all screaming and shouting.

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Billy Connolly ....Well Nearly

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:06:29 +0200

I was out and about on Friday and was introduced to the guy who does a Billy Connolly show here in Tenerife and sometimes he does the cruise ships anyway we had a drink and we told a few funny stories.
I told him that I had a blog and there were some funny stuff on it.
This morning I got an e mail from him saying he looked at my stuff tagged standup and he loved it.
So I am sitting here with a great big smile on my face that goes from one ear to the other.

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Friday Cracker

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:09:36 +0200

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to hump your brains out, and suck your diddies dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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Hong Kong Nulty

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:27:38 +0200

I got quite pally with a wee guy from Hong Kong who I met in a bar out herein Tenerife and he has been giving me some lessons on speaking his language.

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

Well I might have?

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Women...............................

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:14:08 +0200

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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Goodboy Day Three

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:03:33 +0200

That's me going into day three of being a good boy and I may last it out but day four................... no chance!

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Old Girls

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:33:13 +0200

GIRLS

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude took a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke.

Poor Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far

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Something Fishy

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:32:39 +0200

I just met freinds of mine who stay here. They are goig fishing.
Nice couple, Rod and Annette.

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Nae Luck

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:30:17 +0200

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, came home with a black eye one recent evening.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day," replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I found the room, and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see," said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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Good Boy

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:27:35 +0200

I had a quite night last night food water book and bed. The plan is much of the same today. It is still very hot here 38c yesterday but we will see.
Off for a swim now.

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MD...................... Mair Drink

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:14:32 +0200

I have been on the piss for four days in a row I need a sleep I need water and I need food I have friends leaving to day so tomorrow honest yes to morrow.

It's a hard life being a pisshead.................must dash !

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Jobbies

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:04:56 +0200

You will never guess what I seen to day............ a white dog shite.

I have never seen one of them since the days of Thatcher It just goes to prove that the BNP can make some good points ''bring back white dog shite there is brown dog shite black dog shite and yellow dog shite. Coloured shite is taking over the streets of our Britain it is time for a change''
Vote BNP today.

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It's Only a Joke

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:57:13 +0200

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again.....

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Kingdong

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:05:13 +0200

I was in for a swim in the sea this morning and nearly every guy that was in for a dip had a watch on.
I have never really understood this phenomenon. When I was wee if I washed my hands with my Timex on never mind going in to the bath My arse would have been red raw................do you know how much that cost.

Yet everyone seems to do it. Surely you don't need to know the time every two minutes just look up at the sun for fuck sake.
I'm srarting to think that watches are the swimmers motor you know the bigger the watch the bigger the dong sort of thing.
I was thinking of tie wrapping a Sky dish to my arm to morrow

Then I can have a new blog Kingdonggoestopartick

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A Couple of Wee Smilers

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:31:34 +0200

Why is it a mans dick wakens up half an hour before he does.
Then it goes to sleep half an hour before he does.
What is the difference between light and hard..........You can go to sleep with a light on.

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