nultygoestopartick

A Wee Fly Holiday

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:33:01 +0100

Just before we left Tenerife a wee fly managed to get into the plane I hope it brought it's duffle coat and wellies and it finds a big steaming hot jobbie with a neon sign saying ''Fly's Are Us'' to set up home in.

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Back Home

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:36:21 +0100

Well I'm back but not missing my daily swim, there is a puddle round the back the size of Loch Lomond but is fowkin FREEEEEEEEEEZIN but at least the sun is out.

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One More Push

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:32:24 +0100

Well they fit me yesterday

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The Lesson of Life

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:39:48 +0100

How to get to Heaven from Scotland...

I was talking to a guy from Glasgow who used to be a primary school teacher and he told me that he tried to give a lesson about the
concept of getting into heaven.
It went something like this

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Sir you have got to be dead to get to heaven''

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Nearly Over

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:44:10 +0100

Two days to go till I'm back in sunny Glasgow my friends from Manchester are leaving to morrow so tonight is the last big blow out a pub crawl sounds about right.
I have booked again for March till May so there is a wee carrot dangling in front of my nose.
This has been a great holiday full of wee surprises and I won four hundred on the gee gees so that's the flights for March paid.

So it will be back to blogland where I can get back to commenting and posting some pictures.

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For Alex and Wendy

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:38:03 +0100

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He papped out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole fuckin works.

I've busted my arse for nearly a year,

I don't get no nookie I don't get no beer

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The gnomes want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms andtheir legs

I made a ton of yo yo's - Nobody wants them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year I'll tell you the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going to Cristianos for the season!

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Merry Christmas Yo Ho Ho

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:03:13 +0100

Our friends Wendy and Alex have their family coming out for a week and they are dying to see their grandson Lewie who was born five months ago.
Unfortunately they won't see him at Christmas so they are celebrating Christmas a wee bit early, decorations, tree, Christmas diner and it is rumoured that Santa (in the shape of Stuart) will also be there.

It will not be the first time that Stuart has came early.

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Welcome

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:39:46 +0100

A warm Scottish welcome to the world Owen John Richards born 14.11. 2009 in Fremantle Western Australia, Annie's great grand son

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What a Week

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 13:33:01 +0100

Sunday we had a night on the piss as it was my mates last night Monday
my brother Stephen and his wife Helena arrived I knew he was coming Annie didn't, she nearly shat herself when he turned up at the Claddagh we had a great night. Tuesday Annie's birthday went for a meal up in the mountains with my friends who live here and my brother great meal, full fillet of pork, full fillet of beef side of ribs and starters sweet coffee oh and three litres of wine. It worked out at twenty euro a head.
Then down to Cristianos and seen the Billy Porter Show ..great night great laugh great company. Wednesday woken up by my mate from Manchester ......he and his wife had decided to come out for Annie's birthday................ so much for a quiet day.
Friday went for a swim to freshen up then hit the April Fool Friday night out for a meal with my brother then on to the Claddagh.
Saturday took it easy then we got a call from Australia that Annie was a Great Granny ............Moet..................well you must mustn't you!

Now for a swim, must dash

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Saturday Smile

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:41:57 +0100

Carol Thatcher went to apply for a job with the Labour Party. After her interview she waited anxiously for the outcome.

After a long silence Gordon Brown said "We do have an opening for a person like you." "Oh, gweat," she said, "What is it?" "It's called the fuckin door!"

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I Knew They Were Skint But...................................

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:21:12 +0100

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A Wee Quickie

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:31:21 +0100

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?

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There is Green and There is Green

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:50:47 +0100

Jesus and Saint Peter are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Peter agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Peter tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Peter is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.

Ever hopeful of some help Peter slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Peter's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Peter. "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, ya diddy?"

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Fings Aint What They Used To Be

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:38:47 +0100

I overheard this conversation yesterday. ''Mum you know when I lay down in your bed last night I shut my eyes and I couldn't shut my eyes, as much as I tried I just couldn't shut my eyes''

''But if you shut your eyes you must have shut your eyes, if your eyes were shut they couldn't be open, stands to reason''

''Yes but not really, my eyes were shut but I couldn't get no shut eye like when your blinking your eyes ain't shut when you are blinking are they''

Well they ain't bleedin open are they? other wise you would say they were open, not blinking, blinking idiot''

'' No I aint you just don't understand modern fings''

''O look a quiz I'm good at quiz's mum''
''yes so am I''

Mastermind beckons ..............Specialist subject Sleep Patterns

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Rab C Goes To Partick

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:24:32 +0100

Saturday night being halloween I could hardly resist the chance to dress up and make afool of myself.

So I was rather convincing in a string vest, headband and a few choice renditions and rants in the style of Rab C Nesbit.
As the night got longer I got drunker and ended up like a black and white minstral´s take on Rab C with my face blackened and a white Afro wig to go with my string vest and headband

Mary Doll, AKA Annie was in very forgiving mood on Sunday morning but sadly it didn´t extend to a game of bouncy bouncy.

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Well Done Stephen

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:42:01 +0100

My young brother had a Subarachnoid Brain Hemorrhage two years ago this month and he sent me a copy of his account of how he felt before during and after the event.

He had written it for the Headway Website a help group for people who have had head injuries.

You made me very proud,very tearful and very glad you are still with us.

Well done you.

If you know of anyonne who has had a head injury put them in touch with this group.

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Friday Funny

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:01:20 +0100

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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Hello.........Emm.................. Goodbye

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:58:09 +0100

Annie and I decided to go and get some money from the bank yesterday as the Euro was up to 112. We left at one thirty. We seen a friend of ours sitting the April Fool so we went in for a quick drink........we got to the bank at seven o'clock and then went to the Rob Roy then to the Claddagh

We will have to stop being so sociable it's costing us a fortune just to say hello..................

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Fair Exchange

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:51:44 +0100

A boy from the highlands of Scotland and his father were visiting a mall in Glasgow. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old woman in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, " quick Stewart go and get your mammy."

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Every Cloud

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:03:58 +0100

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's ok then?

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The Big fFght

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:20:29 +0100

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the big fight started...

**********

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the big fight started....

**********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the big fight started...

**********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the big fight started.....

*********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the big fight started...

**********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the big fight started...

**********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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Sunday Snigger

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:26:27 +0100

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what, years? The doctor interrupts, "nine................... eight..............seven"

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Must take in Fluids

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:14:47 +0100

It is roasting here I don't know what the temperature is exactly but I have had two changes of shorts and three showers and it's only eleven o'clock.

Me thinks it is a drinking day....Magners and ice yip that's it Magners and ice.

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Saturday Smile

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:18:43 +0200

wo five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

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Peace ,Perfect Peace

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:19:53 +0200

I seen this yesterday in the Local paper.

I want to die in my sleep just like my dad
Not like the three other idiots in the car, all screaming and shouting.

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Billy Connolly ....Well Nearly

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 11:06:29 +0200

I was out and about on Friday and was introduced to the guy who does a Billy Connolly show here in Tenerife and sometimes he does the cruise ships anyway we had a drink and we told a few funny stories.
I told him that I had a blog and there were some funny stuff on it.
This morning I got an e mail from him saying he looked at my stuff tagged standup and he loved it.
So I am sitting here with a great big smile on my face that goes from one ear to the other.

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Friday Cracker

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:09:36 +0200

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to hump your brains out, and suck your diddies dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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Hong Kong Nulty

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:27:38 +0200

I got quite pally with a wee guy from Hong Kong who I met in a bar out herein Tenerife and he has been giving me some lessons on speaking his language.

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

Well I might have?

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Women...............................

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:14:08 +0200

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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Goodboy Day Three

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:03:33 +0200

That's me going into day three of being a good boy and I may last it out but day four................... no chance!

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