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I was talking to a guy from Glasgow who used to be a primary school teacher and he told me that he tried to give a lesson about the
concept of getting into heaven.
It went something like this

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Sir you have got to be dead to get to heaven''

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So it will be back to blogland where I can get back to commenting and posting some pictures.

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Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He papped out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole fuckin works.

I've busted my arse for nearly a year,

I don't get no nookie I don't get no beer

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The gnomes want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms andtheir legs

I made a ton of yo yo's - Nobody wants them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year I'll tell you the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going to Cristianos for the season!

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It will not be the first time that Stuart has came early.

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Now for a swim, must dash

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After a long silence Gordon Brown said "We do have an opening for a person like you." "Oh, gweat," she said, "What is it?" "It's called the fuckin door!"

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'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?

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When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Peter tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Peter is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.

Ever hopeful of some help Peter slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Peter's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Peter. "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, ya diddy?"

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''But if you shut your eyes you must have shut your eyes, if your eyes were shut they couldn't be open, stands to reason''

''Yes but not really, my eyes were shut but I couldn't get no shut eye like when your blinking your eyes ain't shut when you are blinking are they''

Well they ain't bleedin open are they? other wise you would say they were open, not blinking, blinking idiot''

'' No I aint you just don't understand modern fings''

''O look a quiz I'm good at quiz's mum''
''yes so am I''

Mastermind beckons ..............Specialist subject Sleep Patterns

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So I was rather convincing in a string vest, headband and a few choice renditions and rants in the style of Rab C Nesbit.
As the night got longer I got drunker and ended up like a black and white minstral´s take on Rab C with my face blackened and a white Afro wig to go with my string vest and headband

Mary Doll, AKA Annie was in very forgiving mood on Sunday morning but sadly it didn´t extend to a game of bouncy bouncy.

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He had written it for the Headway Website a help group for people who have had head injuries.

You made me very proud,very tearful and very glad you are still with us.

Well done you.

If you know of anyonne who has had a head injury put them in touch with this group.

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We will have to stop being so sociable it's costing us a fortune just to say hello..................

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While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old woman in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, " quick Stewart go and get your mammy."

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The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's ok then?

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My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the big fight started...

**********

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the big fight started....

**********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the big fight started...

**********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the big fight started.....

*********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the big fight started...

**********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the big fight started...

**********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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Me thinks it is a drinking day....Magners and ice yip that's it Magners and ice.

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"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

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I want to die in my sleep just like my dad
Not like the three other idiots in the car, all screaming and shouting.

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The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to hump your brains out, and suck your diddies dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

Well I might have?

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Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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