nultygoestopartick

Just before we left Tenerife a wee fly managed to get into the plane I hope it brought it's duffle coat and wellies and it finds a big steaming hot jobbie with a neon sign saying ''Fly's Are Us'' to set up home in.

Well I'm back but not missing my daily swim, there is a puddle round the back the size of Loch Lomond but is fowkin FREEEEEEEEEEZIN but at least the sun is out.

Well they fit me yesterday

How to get to Heaven from Scotland...

I was talking to a guy from Glasgow who used to be a primary school teacher and he told me that he tried to give a lesson about the
concept of getting into heaven.
It went something like this

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Sir you have got to be dead to get to heaven''

Two days to go till I'm back in sunny Glasgow my friends from Manchester are leaving to morrow so tonight is the last big blow out a pub crawl sounds about right.
I have booked again for March till May so there is a wee carrot dangling in front of my nose.
This has been a great holiday full of wee surprises and I won four hundred on the gee gees so that's the flights for March paid.

So it will be back to blogland where I can get back to commenting and posting some pictures.

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He papped out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole fuckin works.

I've busted my arse for nearly a year,

I don't get no nookie I don't get no beer

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The gnomes want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms andtheir legs

I made a ton of yo yo's - Nobody wants them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year I'll tell you the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going to Cristianos for the season!

Our friends Wendy and Alex have their family coming out for a week and they are dying to see their grandson Lewie who was born five months ago.
Unfortunately they won't see him at Christmas so they are celebrating Christmas a wee bit early, decorations, tree, Christmas diner and it is rumoured that Santa (in the shape of Stuart) will also be there.

It will not be the first time that Stuart has came early.

A warm Scottish welcome to the world Owen John Richards born 14.11. 2009 in Fremantle Western Australia, Annie's great grand son

Sunday we had a night on the piss as it was my mates last night Monday
my brother Stephen and his wife Helena arrived I knew he was coming Annie didn't, she nearly shat herself when he turned up at the Claddagh we had a great night. Tuesday Annie's birthday went for a meal up in the mountains with my friends who live here and my brother great meal, full fillet of pork, full fillet of beef side of ribs and starters sweet coffee oh and three litres of wine. It worked out at twenty euro a head.
Then down to Cristianos and seen the Billy Porter Show ..great night great laugh great company. Wednesday woken up by my mate from Manchester ......he and his wife had decided to come out for Annie's birthday................ so much for a quiet day.
Friday went for a swim to freshen up then hit the April Fool Friday night out for a meal with my brother then on to the Claddagh.
Saturday took it easy then we got a call from Australia that Annie was a Great Granny ............Moet..................well you must mustn't you!

Now for a swim, must dash

Carol Thatcher went to apply for a job with the Labour Party. After her interview she waited anxiously for the outcome.

After a long silence Gordon Brown said "We do have an opening for a person like you." "Oh, gweat," she said, "What is it?" "It's called the fuckin door!"

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?

Jesus and Saint Peter are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Peter agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Peter tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Peter is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.

Ever hopeful of some help Peter slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Peter's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Peter. "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, ya diddy?"

I overheard this conversation yesterday. ''Mum you know when I lay down in your bed last night I shut my eyes and I couldn't shut my eyes, as much as I tried I just couldn't shut my eyes''

''But if you shut your eyes you must have shut your eyes, if your eyes were shut they couldn't be open, stands to reason''

''Yes but not really, my eyes were shut but I couldn't get no shut eye like when your blinking your eyes ain't shut when you are blinking are they''

Well they ain't bleedin open are they? other wise you would say they were open, not blinking, blinking idiot''

'' No I aint you just don't understand modern fings''

''O look a quiz I'm good at quiz's mum''
''yes so am I''

Mastermind beckons ..............Specialist subject Sleep Patterns

Saturday night being halloween I could hardly resist the chance to dress up and make afool of myself.

So I was rather convincing in a string vest, headband and a few choice renditions and rants in the style of Rab C Nesbit.
As the night got longer I got drunker and ended up like a black and white minstral´s take on Rab C with my face blackened and a white Afro wig to go with my string vest and headband

Mary Doll, AKA Annie was in very forgiving mood on Sunday morning but sadly it didn´t extend to a game of bouncy bouncy.