nultygoestopartick

My young brother had a Subarachnoid Brain Hemorrhage two years ago this month and he sent me a copy of his account of how he felt before during and after the event.

He had written it for the Headway Website a help group for people who have had head injuries.

You made me very proud,very tearful and very glad you are still with us.

Well done you.

If you know of anyonne who has had a head injury put them in touch with this group.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Annie and I decided to go and get some money from the bank yesterday as the Euro was up to 112. We left at one thirty. We seen a friend of ours sitting the April Fool so we went in for a quick drink........we got to the bank at seven o'clock and then went to the Rob Roy then to the Claddagh

We will have to stop being so sociable it's costing us a fortune just to say hello..................

A boy from the highlands of Scotland and his father were visiting a mall in Glasgow. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old woman in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, " quick Stewart go and get your mammy."

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's ok then?

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was changing channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the big fight started...

**********

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the big fight started....

**********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the big fight started...

**********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the big fight started.....

*********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the big fight started...

**********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the big fight started...

**********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

**********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

**********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what, years? The doctor interrupts, "nine................... eight..............seven"

It is roasting here I don't know what the temperature is exactly but I have had two changes of shorts and three showers and it's only eleven o'clock.

Me thinks it is a drinking day....Magners and ice yip that's it Magners and ice.

wo five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

I seen this yesterday in the Local paper.

I want to die in my sleep just like my dad
Not like the three other idiots in the car, all screaming and shouting.

I was out and about on Friday and was introduced to the guy who does a Billy Connolly show here in Tenerife and sometimes he does the cruise ships anyway we had a drink and we told a few funny stories.
I told him that I had a blog and there were some funny stuff on it.
This morning I got an e mail from him saying he looked at my stuff tagged standup and he loved it.
So I am sitting here with a great big smile on my face that goes from one ear to the other.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to hump your brains out, and suck your diddies dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

I got quite pally with a wee guy from Hong Kong who I met in a bar out herein Tenerife and he has been giving me some lessons on speaking his language.

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

Well I might have?

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

That's me going into day three of being a good boy and I may last it out but day four................... no chance!

GIRLS

Three old ladies  were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude took a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke.

Poor Tillie, being older and more feeble,  couldn't reach that far

I just met freinds of mine who stay here. They are goig fishing.
Nice couple, Rod and Annette.

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, came home with a black eye one recent evening.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day," replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I found the room, and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see," said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

I had a quite night last night food water book and bed. The plan is much of the same today. It is still very hot here 38c yesterday but we will see.
Off for a swim now.

I have been on the piss for four days in a row I need a sleep I need water and I need food I have friends leaving to day so tomorrow honest yes to morrow.

It's a hard life being a pisshead.................must dash !

You will never guess what I seen to day............ a white dog shite.

I have never seen one of them since the days of Thatcher It just goes to prove that the BNP can make some good points ''bring back white dog shite there is brown dog shite black dog shite and yellow dog shite. Coloured shite is taking over the streets of our Britain it is time for a change''
Vote BNP today.

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an English guy, a Scottish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English bastard again.....

I was in for a swim in the sea this morning and nearly every guy that was in for a dip had a watch on.
I have never really understood this phenomenon. When I was wee if I washed my hands with my Timex on never mind going in to the bath My arse would have been red raw................do you know how much that cost.

Yet everyone seems to do it. Surely you don't need to know the time every two minutes just look up at the sun for fuck sake.
I'm srarting to think that watches are the swimmers motor you know the bigger the watch the bigger the dong sort of thing.
I was thinking of tie wrapping a Sky dish to my arm to morrow

Then I can have a new blog Kingdonggoestopartick

Why is it a mans dick wakens up half an hour before he does.
Then it goes to sleep half an hour before he does.
What is the difference between light and hard..........You can go to sleep with a light on.

We went out with our Manchester friends as some of them are leaving to day. After a few bevies we went to see a Scottish comedian Billy Porter he is really really funny he doesn't tell jokes he just takes the piss out of the audience.
There was one guy, Tristan he was a brickie from Yorkshire wee poor old Tristan he got it all night. Billy is gay and he was asking Tristan to re evaluate his sexuality. There was a policeman from London he got him on the stage and got him to frisk him then he handcuffed him to the stage and returned the complement. If you are ever over here the show is well worth seeing.
We went from there to the gang hut I was up singing again when they put the mike in my hand I thought I was addressing a mass meeting I think I started with the well known phrase brothers and sisters some one is making allegations and I want to know who the alligator is
We left there about half three..............It's a hard life

He Said To Me!

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. .. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said.. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

I went for a swim yesterday to ''clear the heid''. When I came out of the water I went up to the gang hut, AKA the Claddagh I had a pint then I was making my way home as I got to the top of the stairs at the Claddagh who did I bump into but my brother Martin and his wife as they say it's a small world.

I'm not a singer but I had my arm twisted up my back in the Claddagh last night
My choice of song was well suited to the occasion

They'll stone you when you're trying to be so good
They'll stone you just like they said they would
They'll stone you when you're trying to go home
They'll stone you when you're there all alone
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned

They'll stone you when you're walking on the street
They'll stone you when you're trying to keep your seat
They'll stone you when your walking on the floor
They'll stone you when your walking to the door
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned

They'll stone you when you're at the breakfast table
They'll stone you when you are young and able
They'll stone you when you're trying to make a buck
They'll stone you and then they'll say good luck
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned

Well They'll stone you and say that it's the end
They'll stone you and then they'll come back again
They'll stone you when you're riding in your car
They'll stone you when you're playing you guitar
Yes But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned
Alright

Well They'll stone you when you are all alone
They'll stone you when you are walking home
They'll stone you and then say they're all brave
They'll stone you when you're send down in your grave
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned
Dararararararabedoingbeddoing Dararararararabedoingbeddoing
That apart it was a good night..............I think

I had a period of deep thought yesterday and I have came up with a theory about Spanish Fly Syndrome ...........you know the thing where every three or four minutes a fly will land on your leg the your arm then your well..... lower or southern regions.

I used to think that when you come of the plane and go through customs you show the guy your passport he nods with a flick of the head and you think he is telling you to go through.......well he is not, he is nodding to a Spanish fly to say that is yours follow him for the duration.

This is why we must stay in the EEC we must get a law through to protect British citizens abroad fly basdids.

I seen Camemoron on the telly last night what a speech............Jesus has that man ever had an original thought in his life.

I thought I was watching a live version of the Daily Wail.

Don't tell us what you are going to do........ tell us how you are going to do it!

Oh and single parents beware me smells a rat

We went to see a Billy Idol tribute show the other night and Annie was the star of the show.
He was trying to take the piss out of her be she just answered him back to the point where he couldn't sing for laughing. He got her on the stage at the end of the show and everyone was chanting MORE, MORE, MORE she loved it.

When I got off here yesterday Annie and I went to Mercadona the Spanish equivalent of Tesco. Just as we got in the door a riot started.

A new checkout opened and about four Spanish women made for it, it was like watching a pile up at the Grand Prix. Well they started shouting and waving their fists and banging one trolley against the other I was wetting myself. The security guard turned in the opposite direction bent down undid his laces and began to tie them up again, this was not the worse decision he had ever made.

The strangest thing of all was it all had a musical ring to it, a kind of last night at the proms on wheels.

Sore heid can't remember much.
A day off the bevy required!

A lot of us envy our friends and neighbours that leave the UK and live in sunnier climes.
Well I don't envy they guys who work here now it's too warm to work here and I noticed a wee guy who owns a bar here, (Macs Bar just up from where the London Crew were camped last March) anyway he went down to open up yesterday at nine o'clock then I seen him heading home at one o'clock, back down at four then I seen him heading home at three thirty this morning and he has just passed me to open up again.

All that glitters is not gold!

I was out for a swim in the sea at ten this morning by the time I got back to the flat I was dry.
They reckon it will be 85f to day which will mean we have to take on plenty fluids which will suit me fine.

Must dash need some fluid.

Well we got here safe 9c in Glasgow when we left and 27c in Tenerife when we landed. We met our friends from Manchester and ended up at a birthday party..............right in at the deep end. Yesterday seen us at another birthday party so today will be a quiet one,I hope.