nultygoestopartick

Well the packing is nearly done my next post will be from the sunny climate of Tenerife..........must dash.

I was out with my mate the MP yesterday he wasn't looking to happy I asked him what was wrong he told me he is to be a subject of a Dispatches program about trips abroad The Mail and The Express have been hounding him.

He was on a trip to some islands in the Atlantic I think, Im not sure but It was about third world poverty and they flew first class, that is what it is all about.

I asked him if he booked it he said no the Parliament Office book all the flights and hotels there were six of them there two from both of the three main parties.

He thinks he they are being set up, Cameron made a speech saying he will stop the over seas trips two weeks ago then the Mail and the Express both tory papers get involved the Tax Payers Alliance are also snooping about.

It seems that the Tax Payers Alliance are not quite what they seem, the name sounds like sort of consumer group but no, they are funded by the same type of people that fund the Tories and those people do not have our interests at heart.

On the face of it he has done nothing wrong but he feels it will be twisted.The Labour Party Conference starts on Monday,good timing.

I feel sorry for him, he is one of the good guys.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done …..Your turn!

Yesterday I was away getting my money sorted they day before that I got all my medication sorted out and to day is the haircut yes girls and boys I am off on my winter jaunt to Tenerife on Wednesday ahhhhhhhh seven weeks of sun sea and sipping.

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and felldown. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an politician or someone in middle management.

According to the papers this country of ours is at it's lowest ebb since the start of the war in 1939.
I was just thinking back to when I was a teenager disagreeing with everyone
falling out with this one, falling out with that one my old mum got a hold of me and said ''you better give your self a good shake son and waken up your ideas''.

I think it's time for the counrty to give it's self a good shake.

Alexi Salmond has been farting out his plans for independence, do away with the BBC, get the World Cup to be played in Scotland clean up the beaches.
Policy, Alexi, policy, funding for the health service, social security, housing and Trident.

Get your act together you are treating the nation worse than Thatcher did.

Guinness is 250 years old today I have had one or two pints of the black soup in my timeand my wife Annie worked for the company for fifteen years. (free booze)

Annie and I visited the factory at St James Gate about five years ago It is quite impressive the tour ends in a circular bar in a tower about 150 ft up, the walls are made of glass which gives a great arial view of Dublin city.It is well worth visiting.

Here is a wee bit of the Guinness history.

On the last day of December 1759 a determined young man named Arthur Guinness rode through the gate of an old, dilapidated and ill-equipped brewery sited on a small strip of land on Dublin's James's Street. He had just signed a lease on the property for 9,000 years at £45 per annum. His friends shook their heads in disbelief. For ten years, Mark Rainsford's Ale Brewery (for such it was) had been on the Market and nobody had shown any interest in it. The Street was already festooned with similar small breweries, all attracted to this spot by a good supply of water.

Throughout the city of Dublin there were about 70 breweries at that time, all, it must be assumed, small. Mr. Guinness's newly acquired brewery was no more than average. But Arthur was about to change all of that. He was 34 years old. He knew that the products of this teeming, almost domestic, industry were highly unsatisfactory.

Trade fell off badly when import regulations which favoured the London Porter breweries, were prolonged. At that time, beer was almost unknown in rural Ireland where whiskey, gin and poteen were the alcoholic drinks most readily available.

In spite of this and the poor quality of beer available in larger centers like Dublin, it was recognised, paradoxically, that brewing - although constantly under threat from imports - was probably the most prosperous of the very few industries in Ireland at that time. In addition to ales, Arthur Guinness brewed a beer relatively new to Ireland that contained roasted barley which gave it a characteristically dark colour. This brew became known as "porter" so named because of its popularity with the porters and stevedores of Covent Garden and Billingsgate in London. "Porter" had been developed in London some years earlier and was imported into Dublin to the detriment of local brews. Arthur Guinness finally had to choose between porter or the traditional Dublin Ales.

Deciding to tackle the English at their own game, Arthur tried his hand at porter. He brewed the deep, rich beverage so well that he eventually ousted all imports from the Irish market, captured a share of the English trade and revolutionised the brewing industry.

The word Stout was added in the early 1820's as an adjective, qualifying the noun "porter". An "extra stout porter" was a stronger and more full bodied variety. "Stout" evolved as a noun in its own right, as did the family name of Guinness. In 1825 GUINNESS Stout was available abroad and by 1838, GUINNESS St. James's Gate Brewery was the largest in Ireland. In 1881, the annual production of GUINNESS brewed had surpassed one million barrels a year and by 1914, St. James's Gate was the worlds largest brewery.

Today, Arthur Guinness would have been proud of St. James's Gate. No longer the largest (although still the largest Stout brewery) it is certainly one of the most modern breweries. GUINNESS is now also brewed in 35 other countries around the world, but all these overseas brews must contain a flavoured extract brewed at St. James's Gate. So the very special brewing skills of Arthur's brewery, remain at the heart of every one of the 10 million pints of GUINNESS enjoyed every day across the world

Well you can't stop singing your becomming a pest,
Crabit crabit crabit crabit crabit,
You really have no clothes sense,
All you wear is grandads vest
All you wear is dirty clothes,
And it's startinng to get up right nose
With your incesant singing.......... your becoming a pest,
Crabit crabit crabit crabit crabit
Crabit crabit crabit crabit crabit

Well you can't stop singing your becomming a pest,
Crabit crabit crabit crabit crabit
I know that we've had plenty of hits,
But you really are getting on my tits,
So now we have stoopped to sing in the bars,
You can stick your Old Joanna up yer arse,
With your incesant singing.......... your becoming a pest,
Crabit crabit crabit crabit crabit
Crabit crabit crabit crabit crabit

There is a whale in the River Clyde at the Jamaica Street bridge.
It is in danger of being beached when the tide is low to night around ten o'clock

A old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the
counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave
ddddildos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many models." The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe
dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?"

One of the things I have noticed on my journey through the plant rooms and switch rooms of the UK is that when tradesmen I have worked with got the gaffers job there was a name change. Mick's became Mike, Rab' became Robert, Chic's became Charlie, Willies became Bill nd the strangest one was when Douggie became Duggie he would have been better off with a number.
With out fail, as soon as they got their arse on the chair....... name change!

I found it very strange your name is your name, fuckin sado's.

If I was a meeting with senior management and they were there I would call them by their old name you could see the irritation in their faces then I would say oh sorry your Willie your Bill arn you.u. You could see the others sniggering it w was just as well I was full time at the union because these guys would have made my life hell.

Managers said to me why don't you apply for a management post I always replied I like my name too much.

Everybody likes to get a freebie it brightens up your day. When I worked for the council I used to do the electrics for events and there was always a t shirt or a tack suit to be had. We used to work out what portacabin the goodies were kept and say ''any freebies'' if they didn't give us a freebie they were wired up last, they soon got the message.
Another trick was the beer tent, the jobline used to ask for four sockets and they always wanted about twelve so we would run the extra sockets in and hide them.
We would leave out four and the guy in charge of the bar would ask for more we would show him the job line and say sorry pal only four.
''Would you like a pint'' job done
Then we would give the snack bars power......free burgers and ice lollies it's a pity there were no bookies on the events.

What freebies have you had.

Tee shirts and leggings and pigtails with ribbons,
Pink smelly trainers and serious misgivings,
Three cats and two dogs, and a hamster to boot,
These are the things that give Jeremy a root.

When the wife swears, when the tart dares,
When the detector smells lies,
He simply forgets all his troubles and cares
And then he don't feel so bad.

Mothers and daughters all pointing their fingers,
Innocent inlaws, reputations in cinders,
Families all fighting about all different shit,
And Jeremy Kyle is having a fit.

When the wife swears, when the tart dares,
When the detector smells lies,
He simply forgets all his troubles and cares
And then he don't feel so bad.

Sexy clad women with three different fellas,
Audiance partisipation using unfurled umbarellas,

Humping and drinking and gangbangs as well,
Th great British public have stories to tell,

When the wife swears, when the tart dares,
When the detector smells lies,
He simply forgets all his troubles and cares
And then he don't feel so bad

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 2 stones

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

Well it pays to complain I got an apology and fifty pounds credited to my account. Yesssssssssssssssssssss!

I have just had a Victor Meldrew moment, my head is like a big red toffee apple
I have had an phone account with Panbet for over three years. Last week I got a letter at the house to say that they have opened up an on line section and if I join I will get a free £25 pound bet after I place my first bet. So I joined,placed a bet of £25 pounds,which went south.

This morning I got an email stating I will get my free £25 pound bet after I send them a copy of my passport and a current poll tax bill and current bank statement.

Well I went into ''I don't believe it mode'' phone in hand, steam coming out of my ears.

Hello Panbet how can I help you........I want my money, my £25 pound free bet. I have been a customer for over three years and I should not have to send I.D. to prove who I am.You have been taking money out of and puting it into the same account for three years and sending account details to the same address

It's a new law .........well Ladbrokes, Hills, Betfred and the Tote who are owned by the Government seem to be exempt as I have accounts with all of them and I don't have to send them ID.

It's company policy.........it's not a mortgage I'm after, it's bookies account.........but we have to verify your details............. you have had them for three years, money in money out, no problem.

But we have to check for money laundering.........check my account 40p lucky 15's the treasury is quite safe don't you think.

But by law we have to check your bank details, that you are on the electorial roll to prove you are who you say you are .............fine then give me back my £25 pounds because if what you say is true then it seems to me as though you shouldn't have taken my bet in the first place as you didn't have proof of who I am.

I think we are getting mixed up here.........
I think one of us is.
You send me a letter to my house stating that as a valued customer you will give me a free £25 pound bet.I respond to this using the same bank details that you already have. You accept this and take my money from my account then refuse to put up the £25 pounds offered.
It seems to me that you will take money out of my account with out proof of my ID but not put any in.

But if you send us ID We will........But I don't know who you are, you want a copy of my passport a bank statement and a poll tax bill all of which won't be returned, a lot of damage can be done with those details
how do I know it's not a scam.

I will tell my boss and I will be in touch.

I used to like using this company.....................

Alexi Salmond is getting right up my snitch. He and his party are gearing up to put the question of independence by means referendum....fair enough that is what they are about, I could be even be persuaded in that direction myself.

Alexi is a political animal, every bit committed to his cause but his plan to give sixteen year old's a vote in the referendum is not as much about democracy more about trying to get the extra numbers he needs to make his vote look respectable, the polls indicate 28% support for indpendence.

Unlike Alexi and his comrades,I think, sixteen year olds should have the vote I also think that they should be able to drink,gamble and do all sorts of grown up things.

I think the young people of this country should be treated with respect and not used as as pawns in his little game.

You are sussed Alexi ya sleckit cowerrin gerrymanderin beastie.

It is a nice morning up here so I am off to Ayr races all I have to do is have a big breakfast,have a bath read the racing post and fill up my hip flask.

I like the look of Plaisterer in the 4.20

Wish me luck!

I was in my mum's yesterday and we started talking about when we were wee.
She said I used to ask where I was born and she would say ''under a cabbage'' ''and where was Martin born'' under a lettuce she would say.

She said I was quiet for a minute or two then I said with a puzzled look on my face ''are cabbages luttuces big brothers.

We were having a good laugh when she said ''when Carol was born and put in her arms she looked up to the sky and thought what am I going to tell Michael about this ..........Carol was born in a rose bush so rose bushes are lucky they have cabbages and luttuces for big brothers

If we could get everyone to close their eyes and will,hope and pray for
world peace for an hour think how wonderful it would feel.

Every humanbeing on the planet becoming a link in an international chain of goodwill just think how serene quiet and peaceful it would be....................until the looting starts.

AS THE RECENT WORKING FOR NOTHING SCHEME WAS A SUCCESS WE HAVE
NEW RULES FOR THE BRITISH AIRWAYS WORKERS

SICKIES : We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes & carrying a £300 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

HOLIDAY DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 and Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the bog. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.

For the last two years the researchers at Millbank the Labour Party's
HQ have been trying to work out what it is that is causing all the problems for Gordon Brown.

The problem was solved yesterday in The Hayburn Vaults Partick by Wee Watty, a retired road repair man from Govan.

As he was about to run for Von Ryans Express (the Subwaty to Govan) he declared that after having a think about it in the in the toilet, he has came to the conclusion that Gordon Brown has a kind of Midas touch only instead of everything he touches turning to gold every thing he touches turns to a slightly softer and darker material.

Man comes home to find his wife packing.
What are you doing he asks?
I am leaving I have been told prostitutes get £400 a time for what I do here.
He starts to pack as well.
What are you doing She asks.
O I am coming with you.
Why she say's?
I want to know how you are going to live on £800 a year.

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “whatever you, don’t sell that feckin cow.”

Now you might think of me as a perv after this but i'm not i just found this very very funny.
I was in the Ettrick yesterday looking along the bar there was a barmaid
with her back to me washing a load of tumblers. She had a black rubber glove on one hand and she would shake the glass in the soapy water then shake it into the clean water to rinse it.

i started to laugh and my mate said ''what are you laughing at'' I said look at her it looks as though she is giving somebody a wank'' so he went up and started to talk to her then started to mlook up to the ceiling and make his eyes go funny then he moved his glasses so they were lying squinty on his faceby this time there were aboout five of us in on it but the barmaid didn't have a scubby this wen't on for about five minutes when he started shouting ''take the glove aff, take the glove aff, oh,oh take the glove aff''

The barmaid turned round to us and said ''he is aff his fuckin heid,
infact you are all aff yer heids'' she never had a clue what it was about.

Do ye need a push.

You are a wee Corker

Have a day full of laughter

Well he did it he predicted those balls all six of them, how did he do it, feck knows but he is going to explain it on a program tomorrow night.

There are supposed to be hundreds if not thousands of suggestions on how he done it listed on the internet.

You got to hand it to him though,he is good..........but how good?

Well here is a we challenge for him I'm going out to morrow for a drinky poo at 1.00 in the afternoon, can he tell Annie what time I will be back so she can have my din dins ready?

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Lord Lichfield - always saying 'Let me put you
in the picture...'

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a
bottle.

Dulux - We reckon he's only got one coat.

Lux - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he
must be scared of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many
unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove
he actually exists.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies:
'Sorry, my hands are tied.

Have you got any?

A guy from Glasgow came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed an other man.
Raging he grabbed the man and through him out the top flat window.
His wife said, “You know Tommy if you don't learn to calm down you’re going lose all your pals!”

In the last couple of weeks I have been going up to the Suffern General in Govan to see a friend of mine who has not been keeping to well.
He fell down a flight of stairs and fractured his skull. They operated on his head but ater the operation he still couldn't walk it transpires that he has fractured one of his vertibrae. They are hopefull that it will knit together and he will be able to walk again but it will be a long wait, he could be on his back for three months.

As is often the case when visiting a hospital you think your friend or family member is the worst off then you have a look around and there is always somebody worse, it sets things in perspective, you tend to see just how well off you are and life aint that bad at all.

During yesterdays visit I got told off by a nurse for making him laugh
she said I wasn't doing his back any good when he was laughing he was moving his back this made him laugh even more and when I told the nurse not to tell me off as it was making him laugh the whole ward were pissing themselves including the nurse so I think I go away with it.

An old guy was invited to an his pal's house for dinner one night.

He was impressed by the way his pal preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: sweetheart,doll, darling, flower etc.

The couple had been married almost 50 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his mate, ‘'I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'’

The old man hung his head. ‘'I have to tell you the truth,’ he said,
‘' I forget her name six months ago years ago and I’m shiting my self to to ask her what it is’'

The other night I went to a Stag Night in Dumbarton with mate of mine. It was his office night out. I soon noticed that I was out of my depth financially, these guys were loaded.

We got to the do, there were stippers and a comedian on. When the second stipper was doing her thing one of the guys, pulled out a fiver and stuck it in her bra and she pulled out her diddy.

Not to be outdone, another one of them pulls out a tenner puts it in the other side of her bra and she pulled out the other diddy and takes the bra off.

Sensing some money was to be made she started wiggling her arse under my mates nose so he goes into his pocket and pulled out a twenty and stuck it down the back of her knickers. She takes off her nickers and turns to me and started wiggling her snatch into my face so I pulled out my bank card put it in her divet and took the thirty five pounds out her hand.

I was in the pub yesterday and one of the smokers who is also a fuckin nutter, came in and asked for an empty crisp box. ''What for'' ''there is a pidgeon out in the garden its soaking if we put it in the box and let it dry out it will fly away''

I said you would be better off drying out ya bampot do you think that pidgeons have bunnets for when it rains do you think that their mummies shout on them to come in out the rain or is the reason they fly in circles because they only flap one wing, the other being used to hold up an umbarella.

The Birdman of Alcapops coming soon to a cinema near you!

I was reading the local rag last night when I noticed a headline that made me simle.
Blind People Get Free Loan of Aids now I can think of thousands of things I might want a loan of ......but Aids..............not ever!!!!!!

i was told yesterday in the pub by an expert, of whom there are meany in these parts, that there was a laid down method or protocall for the naming of all the children of all the royal families in Europe.

He went on to give us the explanation that lasted one and a half hours (four pints)I said to him if what he was saing was true why was Bonnie Prince Charlie named after three dogs.

The voices on Sat Nav's drive people mad.
So if you could have anyones voice on your Sat Nav who whould it be and why?

Who would you not have and why?

I would have Joe Pasqualli as no mater how angry I was at the information I was being given I would still be smiling as his voice makes me laugh big time.

I would not have Margaret Thatcher apart from the haunting voice, there would be no point in having Sat Nav with her involved it would be just staight directions...........the lady s not for turning.

Well I see Katie price got knocked flat on her face at a bare nuckled fight, bare nuckled, that would be a change for her.

Anyway I wasn't surprised to hear that she was no longer down till she bounced back up.

It won't be long before the Health and Safety Executive have us all wearing implants under our high viz jackets.

Well we had a good day out yeterday but overdone the bevy ...........big time we had two bottles of californian sparkling from a Wotherspoons and a bottle of red with the meal back home we had a cheese and port session then a bottle of bubbley. Oh ma heid...................

Well I woke up early got the papers made the breakfast (toast and coffee)
Then gave her her card and a wee cuddle nae fighting yet, as my pld granda used to say, ''there will be an awfull smell when the chanty cracks''

We are going into town for a meal, Sarti's in Wellington Street then a wee drinky poo and I have a bottle of bubbley in the fridge.
So it should be a nice day ahead

As everyone knowsoday is the anniversary of WW2 but what you don't know is tomorrow is the anniversary of WW3
Yes its my anniversary, still love ye Annie ....what was that for........ don't......I never touched your purse....honest ...don't
............ah, that was sore

When I was coming back from town yesterday a woman sat on the seat one down and across from me on the bus. No it wasn't a crossword but I didn't have a clue what was going to happennext.
As soon as she planked her arse on the seat she went into her pocket and came out with a couple of slices of gammon and started to eat them. When they were done she went into the same pocket and had a slice of cheese and put it on a roll after she gubbed that she had a KitKat I was facinated that must be it now surely, I was thiking, no a Mars bar three bites and it was a gonner.
We were nearing Partick by now and I was thinking fuckit I will stay on to see what else she has but at this rate if she is going to Dumbarton she will be too fat to get off the fuckin bus.

Into her handbag and out comes a packet of crisps and a can of wait for this.............. a can of diet coke!
She gubbed them and got of at Partick the last I seen of her she was going into the Old Sweetie Shop.

The best of it was she was as skinny as a rake..........she must have had worms or something cause she was eating like a weight lifter.

A couple had been married for 50 years They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.

The old man said' 'I know,We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago .''Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I'm not be surprised,' replied the old guy. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your fuckin porrage.

There were millions of people outraged at the Scottish saltire being waved as al-Megrahi's aircraft landed in Lybia.

It turns out the flags were not being waved for him but for Susan Boyle who was on the plane and was there to meet her lookalike Colonel Gaaddafi.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

I was in the pub yesterday after going to the hospital and one of my mates was at the bar, with his face tipping him. ''What's up with your dip'' I said. ''the banshee is cracking up with me''

He said he was on the piss all weekend and when he woke up thismorning she ''got right into him''

''Do you think this is a bedroom or a fuckin magic box do you think the sock fairy picks up your smelly sacks do you think he boxer fairy picks up your piss stained drawers and do you think Ali Baba cleans the fuckin carpets and the pillows turn into big fuckin marsh mallows and do you think you are fuckin Harry Houdini doing a dissapearing act all week end.

I said ''What did you say to that'' ''sorry, then she started yelling sorry, sorry, fuckin sorry, not as sorry as I am ya beer guzzeling bastard if you fell you would smash'' Then she uttered the ultimate threat that can land on a Glasgow mans ears YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER followed by a slamming door