I was on the Helensburgh express train from Glasgow yesterday, it stops at Partick and then heads for Moneysburgh.

There are are alot of rich people who reside in Helensburgh but surely not everone on that train was a millionaire, yet as they glanced over their parapets,sorry, books, the look of superiority from the top of their drawbrige would be frightning to the untained Glaswegian eye...........but mine was trained I had seen this lot before, many times before when I commuted.

On a previous sortie on The Orient Express I had seen one open his fake alligator skinned brief case only to reveal a packet of shortbread, a Metro, a Geoffrey Archer that was all dog eared and obviousley second hand and packed of Tesco Salt n Vinegar I mean Tesco not even Walkers or Marks and Sparks,an apple and a Kit Kat.
No this lot were definitly all fur coat a nae knickers.

A game I like to play with this lot is to get on board then stand and look over the seating arrangement like an indian chief viewing the frightened members of the waggon train.

The bags come up on the seat the jacket comes off and goes on the opposite seat the foot goes up and their posture changes, the neck swells the head goes up and down from the book like a yoyo.
They waggons are definitly turned in a cicle.

They would do anything to stop you sitting beside them.What they don't seem to realise is that a big smelly fart whould suffice but they don't fart, do they?

The longer you stand in the overview positon the more aggitated they become. It is only two stops to Partick so after the first stop I walk along the passageway glancing like a ticket collector. The look of horror is like the slave looking up to the potential master the eyes are pleading please don't pick me please massa.Then I just make my way to the next door and just stand there and as I get off at my stop I can see look of fatigue on their big fat faces.

Another trick is to note someones seat,they all have their own seat. Then get there early and take the persons seat who annoys you most.When they get on the train steam comes out there ears they gesture to the people they have seen for years but have not yet spoken to and they gesture back with an ''awe thats a shame look'' you now the one head tilted and the sad face and I think to myself......... your next bub.