nultygoestopartick

A guy walks into sex shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable girlfriend.

"would you like a blonde or brunette?" asks the assistant

"a blond " he replies

"Blue eyes or green?"
"Green please" he says
"Christian or Muslim"

"What the feck has religion got to do with it"

The assistant said " the Muslim blows her self up!"

A new word on countdown discongoogleation

I can't get connected to the web I'm fecking discongoogleated aaaaaaagh

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

A Scottish woman backpacking in Australia went to the loo in a bush and ended up falling 35 feet down a cliff and dislocated her shoulder. Her boy friend broke his ankle as he scrambled down the cliff to help her.
I wonder if there were skid marks all down the face of the cliff.

When I woke up this morning I had a pain in my belly I told Annie and she said just shut your eyes and say my belly is not sore my belly is not sore and it will go away.
So I shut my eyes and said I am not married I am not married.
Now my face is as sore as my belly.

I was just thinking if any body thinks about what they would think about if they were thinker's thinking about what people think about, what do you think?

I just seen Alec Weston's post about featured blog and I must admit there is a smile on my face if I'm on it.
It's like getting a gold star at school but I don't take my lappy up to show my mum....I just take a print off and she pins it up on the wall.

No harm doing that, she's proud of me and I get fifty pence for being good.
That's what's wrong with kids to day,no encouragement!

I'm now starting to giggle at my own post which is a bad sign, so I'm off.

Have you ever noticed that when a woman is talking to other women and she finally runs out of anything to say at all, when the head is empty of the tiniest bit of nothingness, when there is not one bit of shite left to impart, she gives a big wide smile,holds the smile brings her shoulders up,her head down and utters the immortal phrase........ ''so-oh that's that'' She then does the smiley thing again and folds her arms.
The folding of the arms along with the ''so-oh'' is like a masonic sign, it tells the assembled sisterhood ''I have no more to say'' (as we all know that a woman can't talk without moving her hands)

On the folding of the arms it is the duty of one of the other sisters to say '' well it's funny you should say that''
On a ''good drying day'' this ritual can last for up to six hours it is generally ended by a senior member of the sect uttering the phrase ''well I can't stay here all day'' at that the meeting is over.

I have a wedding to go to in a few months, my mates son is getting married.
the problem is I like my mate I don't like is son.

He is all nicey nicey when in our company but I have clocked him elsewhere and he is a proper c***.

The chances of this marriage lasting any longer than a year is about 100/1.

So with that said what should I buy him and his bride to be divorced.
A t.v licence, a years subscription to Sky, or a couple of goldfish they will probably last longer than the fecking marriage in fact the brides flowers will probibly last longer.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to al the drivers in the rank.

We are coming up for ten years of Scottish devolution. I think that things have improved I think that two many of the issues of the day were too centralised.
The Health Service, Schools, and Housing are the type of things that we here are in charge of and I think that the regions of England would benefit from a similar type of regime.

ITV are ready to pull he plug on Taggart the long running police drams set in Glasgow.
The reason being given is shortage of money due to the present financial climate. I for one will be sad to see it go as quite a lot of the program is shot in this area.
I remember once i was in one of the pubs in Partick and some of the extras were in for a pint during a break from filming all dressed in police uniforms.
One of the local shoplifters came in ready to punt his ill gotten goods, seen the uniforms and done a runner.
When we told the Taggart guys they were pissing themselves.

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

I was out and about yesterday my first port of call was the Victoria bar.
I went in it had been a few months since I had been in and seen a couple of guys I hadn't seen since the last time I was in.

Anyway I was about to order a drink and the barmaid who is married to one of the guys, said ''where the fuck have you been'' I was taken aback I said ''eh nowhere'' ''you must have been somewhere'' ''I'll tell ye when you've poured the drink'' ''don't bother''

I said to my mate ''what's wrong with her'' he said ''eh she's Playing Banjo in Sargent Zygote's Ragtime Band'' I said ''what'' he said''eh she is rebooting the ovarian operating system ''what'' ''she is in her bad week'' ''oh that explains every thing I said.

The other guy who was standing with us is single he said ''the more I see her the more I like my dog'' we started to laugh when enter stage right,
''what are you three laughing at, you laughing at me'' fuck this for a game of soldiers, I drank up and headed for the shelter of the bookies.

I've just posted about my streaking exploits in the seventies anyone else done the dangley dash?

Holiday At Wrinkly Bottom

There are people posting about holidays, this a post I had done about a year ago about a holiday I had in Newquay in 1976 when Kiki Dee and Elton John were number one and streaking was a must do after six or seven pints.

I was a fit young guy of about 22,I wasn't at all shy about my body,all the bumps were in the right places and as an cross country runner I was never going to get caught, so my kit was more off than on.

I have always been a bit of a nutter, some guys used to fight when they were drunk, we just got pissed and the clothes were off, from Lands End to John O'Goats, well Newquay to John O'Groats, near enough but the time we done it in Newquay was very funny.

We were on holiday three of us and we were staying with mates of ours who were working the season in hotels and pubs, very handy indeed.

We used to get our meals free in the Victoria Hotel, the guy thought we were staff. Anyway after a few nights we all got invited to at a party in village just outside Newquay. Once we were all bevied up we decided to have a streak, during which I seen an old lady at her window she was half turning away, she must have been telling her husband and by the time he got there we would have been gone. I can imagine her saying ''there were ten of them all naked'' ,''aye right, how many sherries have you had''

Next day in the pub all the locals were mumbling, ''that's them'' ''oh, they are Scottish'' ''oh they are quite fit looking'' ''he was one of them him there''said a woman pointing at yours truly ''bloody national service would sort them out''said her man by christ if he had a pack of dogs he would have set them on us.

The next night we done it again this time I ran in the opposite direction from the rest of them, with their clothes under my arm it was a laugh...... they were screaming ''come back ya bastaaaaaaaard

We were talk of the town for a week....I can just imagine one of them saying ' it's very dangerous, you could take somebody's eye out with one them'' ''no, not when it's soft missus''

Villages were a good place for streaking not only because there were no police to chase you but there was no broken glass and dog shit to contend with.

Nowadays some arsehole would want a health and safety assessment done before they streak, a high viz green cover round your dobber.

I remember my mother once said once'' your feet are always dirty'' fuck only if she knew what her pride and joy had been up to.
Anyway it was good fun, if I done it now you wouldn't see anything........just a big wrinkly arse

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell
"All you cunts who want to get off, get fucking off now, because this is the last stop! All of you cunts of that are getting on, get your arses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house this is a catholic house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language again.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking or drinking on this train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
the mother had a big broad smile on her face and was so proud of her son

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay and what to complain , please see the old cunt in the kitchen."

Many words will be written about Michael but basically this is it.

Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009 was an American recording artist and entertainer. The seventh child of the Jackson family, he first appeared on the professional music scene at the age of 11 as a member of The Jackson 5 and began a solo career in 1971 while still a member of the group.
Referred to as the "King of Pop" in subsequent years, four of his solo studio albums are among the world's best-selling records: Off the Wall (1979), Bad (1987), Dangerous (1991) and History (1995), while his 1982 Thriller is the world's best-selling record of all time.

In the early 1980s, he became a dominant figure in popular music and the first African-American entertainer to amass a strong crossover following on MTV. The popularity of his music videos airing on MTV, such as "Beat It", "Billie Jean" and Thriller—credited for transforming the music video into an art form and a promotional tool—helped bring the relatively new channel to fame. Videos such as "Black or White" and "Scream" made Jackson an enduring staple on MTV in the 1990s.

With stage performances and music videos, Jackson popularized a number of physically complicated dance techniques, such as the robot and the moonwalk. His distinctive musical sound and vocal style influenced many hip hop, pop and contemporary R&B artists.

One of the few artists to have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice, his other achievements include multiple Guinness World Records—including one for "Most Successful Entertainer of All Time"
13 Grammy Awards, 13 number one singles in his solo career.

Jackson's highly publicized personal life, coupled with his successful career, made him a part of popular culture for almost four decades. Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest on June 25, 2009, aged 50.

I thought he was a great entertainer. On his passing, I think Jesus might have a few words with him about who is the boss.

A country boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to "Go get your mother son"

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Well this might shock you but I have been watching the Iraq Inquiry Debate on the telly all afternoon.
It has been really interesting as there have been a lot of Labour MP's not toeing the party line.
When this happens you know that their is something inherently wrong when the old lefties vote with the Tories I'm not sure that they are doing so for the right reasons.
To see my old MP George Galloway and Clare Short agreeing with Malcolm Rifkind and Sir Partrick Cormack came as a wee bit of a shock.
But I must say I enjoyed the debate.

I put this out on a fiends only by mistake.

This is factual.

The cat is valued by man for its companionship. it is a skilled predator, it can be trained to obey simple commands. Individual cats have also been known to learn on their own be manipulative. Cats use a variety of vocalizations and types of body language for communication, including meowing, purring,hissing, growling, squeaking, chirping, clicking, and grunting. They are also bred and shown as pedigree pets. This hobby is known as showing.

Cats walk directly on their toes. They have protractable claws. In their normal, relaxed position the claws are sheathed with the skin and fur around the toe pads. This keeps the claws sharp by preventing wear from contact with the ground and allows the silent stalking of prey. Cats can voluntarily extend their claws on one or more paws. They may extend their claws in hunting or self-defense,or for extra traction on soft surfaces (bedspreads, thick rugs, etc.)

Most cats have five claws on their front paws, and four or five on their rear paws. There is a protrusion which appears to be a sixth "finger". This special feature of the front paws, on the inside of the wrists, is the carpal pad. It has no function in normal walking, but is thought to be an anti-skidding device used while jumping.

Skin
Cats possess rather loose skin; this allows them to turn and confront a predator or another cat in a fight, even when it has a grip on them. The particularly loose skin at the back of the neck is known as the scruff, cats tend to become quiet and passive when gripped there. This behavior also extends into adulthood, when a male will grab the female by the scruff to immobilize her while he mounts, and to prevent her from running away as mating takes place.

This technique can be useful when attempting to treat or move an uncooperative cat. However, since an adult cat is heavier than a kitten, a pet cat should never be carried by the scruff, but should instead have its weight supported at the rump and hind legs, and at the chest and front paws. Often a is happy lie with its head and front paws over a person's shoulder, and its back legs and rump supported under the person's arm.

To aid with navigation and sensation, older cats have dozens of movable vibrissae (whiskers) over their body, especially their face.

Sociability

Cats can befriend other cats. Here, one cat grooms the other.Cats are a social species, and free-living cats tend to form feral cat colonies if there is sufficient food, which are based around groups of co-operating females. Each cat in a colony holds a distinct territory, with sexually active cats having the largest territories, and neutered cats having the smallest. Between these territories are neutral areas where cats watch and greet one another without territorial conflicts. Outside these neutral areas, territory holders usually aggressively chase away stranger cats, at first by staring, hissing, and growling, and if that does not work, by short but noisy and violent attacks. Despite cohabitation in colonies, cats do not have a social survival strategy, or a pack mentality.
As part of this sociability. Their types of body language: position of ears and tail, relaxation of whole body, kneading of paws, all are indicators of mood. The tail is a particularly important social signal in cats, with a raised tail acting as a friendly greeting. Tail raising also indicates the cat's position in the group's social hierarchy, with dominant individuals raising their tails less often than subordinate animals.[72] Nose-touching is also a common greeting and may be followed by social grooming, which is solicited by one of the cats raising and tilting its head.[71]

Regardless of the average sociability of any given cat or of cats in general, some cats are poorly socialized. In the domestic environment, older cats may show aggressiveness towards newly-arrived kittens, which may include biting and scratching; this type of behaviour is known as PMT

Fighting
Attacks usually comprise powerful slaps to the face and body with the forepaws as well as bites, but serious damage is rare; usually the loser runs away with little more than a few scratches to the face, and perhaps the ears. Cats will also throw themselves to the ground in a defensive posture to rake with their powerful hind legs.

Normally, serious negative effects will be limited to possible infections of the scratches and bites, though these have been known to sometimes kill cats if untreated. In addition, bites are probably the main route of transmission of feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV).[74] Sexually active males will usually be in many fights during their lives, and often have decidedly battered faces with obvious scars and cuts to the ears and nose. Not only males will fight; females will also fight over territory or to defend their kittens. Spaying females and neutering males will decrease or eliminate this behaviour in many cases.

Grooming

Some cats occasionally regurgitate hairballs of fur that have collected in their stomachs as a result of their grooming. Longhaired cats are more prone to this than shorthaired cats. Hairballs can be prevented with certain cat foods and remedies that ease elimination of the hair, and regular grooming of the coat with a comb or stiff brush.

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

I'm just after watching Clare Short talking on the Iraq Inquiry Debate I had forgotten how a formidable speaker she was.
A wasted talent, she is the type of MP that speaks her mind and shuns the whips.
As I write George Galloway gets to his feet, like him or loath him by god he can speak, I like him.

Does anyone get the feeling they named oranges before they named carrots?

"Whats this?"
"Well, it's orange. It's an orange."
"Well what about this?" ''feck we have used that already''
Had it been a movie producer who was giving out the names he would probably have called it orange 2

Kev recently posted about what would happen if know one wore a watch or looked at clocks.

Blood pressure would be lower, there would be fewer heart attacks, the trains would never be late, Annie would never say what time do you make this and sex would last longer than five minutes.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to give to your charity boss, but I left my wallet in my trousers."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that you don't get coffee stains on your trousers

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

An Alligator is a group of animals in the order Crocodilia. The genus Alligator has two living species, the American Alligator and the Chinese Alligator the difference between them is the American eats more has a bigger arse and tends to invade other animals habitat.

The difference between an alligator and a crocodile is, that you can not see the fourth tooth in the lower jaw of an alligator when the alligator's mouth is closed and when it's open it's too fecking late.
Oh and crocodiles have a ticking sound and have soft spot for pirates arms.

Sometimes it is said, that alligators have as wider a snout but there are also some crocodiles with wide snouts, it all depends on the size of the person that they are eating at the time.

Crocodiles don't say somebody is making allegations about me and I want to know who the alligator is

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

There was nearly a riot in the Hayburn yesterday we were watching the 2.30 at Lingfield on the telly when a big guy stood on a chair and switched the channel to watch Wimbledon.
The patrons were in an ugly mood nobody but nobody turns the racing off
Hey you ya c* get that back ya big f**** pervert looking up the wummins knickers that's all your doing.
Away into he toilet and pull yer plonker get the racing on.

The racing was duly put back on and the big guy went away in a huff.
It's amazing what happens when both Celtic and Ranger fans agree on something.

Toady's agenda:A couple of posts, some comments, cut the grass, clean the windows, go to mums, pub,

Top Gear's Stig finally 'unveiled'
Michael Schumacher has revealed himself as Top Gear's mysterious test driver the Stig.
Top Gear's Stig finally 'unveiled'
Stig revealed his face on Top Gear
pa.press.net

Michael Schumacher has revealed himself as Top Gear's mysterious test driver the Stig.

The former Formula One driver took off the Stig's famous white helmet during an interview with presenter Jeremy Clarkson after the studio audience urged him to reveal his true identity.

Clarkson jokingly pretended not to recognise Schumacher and asked him what his name was before he became famous as the Stig, before excitedly shouting to the audience: "It's Michael Schumacher!"

The Stig test drives cars around the Top Gear track in Dunsfold Park, Surrey, and trains each week's guest for their lap for the Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car feature.

His identity has been a closely-guarded secret although many people have speculated that the famous white overalls and helmet are shared by several drivers.

Silly rumours about the Stig have been used to add to the mystery surrounding the character, who never speaks to camera.

In Sunday's show, Clarkson quizzed Schumacher about some of the rumours, asking: "Are you illegal in 17 US states?"

Schumacher, who was Formula One world champion seven times, replied: "No, it's much exaggerated. It's only nine."

Towards the end of the show, after footage supposedly showing Schu doing a disastrous test lap, Jezza then speculated that he wasn't really the Stig after all.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

I was standing at the bar in a city center pub the other week a lady stood next to me and ordered a cheeseburger. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a burger to me.

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Question for eggheads who are the five most smug bastards on telly?

This is what marriage is Really all about

He ordered One hamburger, one order of French fries and one Drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger And carefully cut it in half. He placed one half In front of his wife. He then carefully counted Out the French fries, dividing them into two Piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his Wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his Wife took a sip and then set the cup down Between them. As he began to eat his few bites Of hamburger, the people around them kept Looking over and whispering. You could tell they
Were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they Can afford is one meal for the two of Them.'

As the man began to eat his fries young man came to the table.. He politely Offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were Used to sharing everything.

TheSurrounding people noticed the little old lady
Hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
Husband eat and occasionally taking turns
Sipping the drink.

Again the young manCame over and begged them to let him buy another
Meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No,Thank you, we are used to sharing Everything..'

As the old man finished and Was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the Young man again came over to the little old lady Who had yet to eat a single bite of food and Asked 'What is it you're waiting
For?'

She answered . . . .
.

(This is
Great)

**

'THE
TEETH.'

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"I don't want to get get in,I want to get out."

I had one winner yesterday but I had a fair lump on it which put me in font by about £130 for the week. (big loss Wednesday)
The £30 is on Chookie Hamilton at Ayr to night I have been waiting on this coming out for a few weeks i have backed it the last couple of times it has won both.

There are approximately 40 million fake £1 coins in circulation in the UK today

The results of a sampling test by the Royal Mint, obtained by the BBC, show that up to 2 per cent of all the pound coins in circulation may be fake - approximately 30 million coins.

The last time sampling test results were released was in 2003 when the number of forged pounds coins was estimated to be 1 per cent.

The BBC said it means that one in every 50 pound coins in circulation is counterfeit.

Robert Matthews, formerly the Queen's Assay Master until he retired to become a coin consultant four years ago, said confidence in coins collapsed in other countries when forgery rates reached similar levels.

He told the broadcaster: "In 2004, people started refusing to take the South African 5 Rand coin due to concerns about the number of counterfeits, and eventually the coin had to be redesigned and re-circulated.

"Independent surveys showed the number of counterfeits to be 2 per cent - the same as we've got here - and I'm worried that if we're not careful the same thing will happen to the pound coin."

In a statement, the Royal Mint said: "We track the counterfeit rate through regular surveys in the spring and autumn every year. The survey consists of taking a random sample of coins from across the country, and subjecting them to individual analytical inspection.

"It is a criminal offence to make or use counterfeited coins. Any member of the public who suspects they have a counterfeited coin should not attempt to spend it."

The BBC says that experts test for forgeries by studying lettering and the cross on the edge of the coin, whether the Queen's head is orientated the same way as the image on the reverse, and whether the marking is centred on the face.

I just seen Gary Wilmot on a TV interview. He told a lovely wee story about his career.
When he started out in show business his brother gave him a table cloth and told him to get the autographs of people he worked with he done this
and his mother embroidered the autographs the list of people he had on it
was quite impressive.
Unfortunately someone stole it from his dressingroom.
But what a great idea.

I remember a few years ago before chip and pin I was signing the receipt after using my debit card when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the debit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

I read last night in the Glasgow evening Times That there is a colony of wallabies on an island in Loch Lomond.
The marsupials have lived on Inchconnachan for over sixty years.

There will be no need there for the inhabitants to have 4 X 4's for the school run just stick the kids into the belly bag and hop down the road to the wallaby school.

Now if humans could do that think of the cut in traffic jams, the fuel saving and the cut in toxic emissions.

There would also be a drop in the sale of lycra leggings and jeans and an increase in the sale of crotchless knickers.

I was reminded of this when reading Palmys post re the latest shuttle at the cape.

In 1986 I was working on Torpedoes in Cape Canaveral and AUTEC Andros Island in the Bahamas just after the shuttle crashed.

When the capsule was recovered the bodies were driven through the base on the 29th of April and we formed part of a guard of honour which consisted of us standing on each side of the road adjacent to the British Unit with the Union Jack At half mast.
It was a very sad occasion and although I was'nt the greatest admirer of Americans they were all united in grief and rallied round their flag.

Four weeks later a satellite, was launched it was the first since the shuttle. I was watching the launch from inside the cape, it was thrilling but after a minute it blew up it just spun and spun then exploded I was speechless.

For weeks after there was sombre mood around the towns of Canaveral and Cocoa Beach as there was talk of sabotage and closing down all launches.

I flew to and from the cape taking off and landing on the Skid Strip
where the shuttle lands.

The Skid Strip runs along the Banana River.

I will never forget this as long as I live.

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with primary scool, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a big ring and her own Video, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

A couple met in a bar and went out into a field near by to have sex after about twenty minutes they guy said ''I wish I had brought a torch with me'' the female said so do I ''you've just spent the last ten minutes munching a clump of grass''

A wee boy and his grandfather are messing about in the grden. The wee boy sees an worm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five quid you can't. It's too wriggly and skiny to put back in that wee hole."

The wee boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five pounds. The wee boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Granny."

I'm listening to Michael Martin making his farewell speech. He is not missing the party leaders and the members of the house.
He said that a year ago he put up proposals that were voted down by the house, less than half the members attended which showed their lack of interest.

The proposals that were voted down are those that are being adopted by the party leaders now.

If they had been adopted those proposals MP's would not now now find them selves in the situation they are now in.

I was watching a program on knife crime and it dawned on me there are too many knives in the home nowadays.

I remember when I was young my mum would say get me the big knife, my response wasn't the new one, the old one, the hooked one, the slim one, the fat one, the serrated one there was only one big knife in the kitchen and she would have known if it was missing had i been stupid enough to ''borrow it''. Nowadays there are more sets of knives in the kitchen than we had pots.

If knives must be stored in fancy blocks why not put a chip in the blade that plays a tune such as Me And My Teddy Bear when not sited in it's
place in the block.This would surely detract from the street credibility of any young men carrying them down the back of their Calvin Klein's

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief sNarch.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

I noticed to day that the Pound is climbing up against the Euro 1.185 Euros to the pound good news for those of us who go on a wee jaunt now and again.

At Christmas it was 1 to 1.

A friend of mine who works in a big money exchange told me that her boss said he expects it to level out around 1.25 in the next month or so.

Well it looks like that's the Scottish summer over as I look out the port hole of my semi submersible house I look down and it looks grey and wet I look up it looks grey and wet.
Rod Stewart was obviously not born here or he would never have sung I Wish It Would Rain but it's clear that the members of Travis were and it inspired Why Does It Always Rain On Me.

I'm for ever playing in puddles,
Smelly puddles in the street
Wellies are worn but the rubber is torn,
And I've big water blisters in my feet,

In England there's a garden hose ban,
In America there's a dancing rain man,
But I'm forever playing in puddles,
Pretty puddles in the street.

A plane is flying from Glasgow to Malaga the pilot announces that there is a bomb on board and the plane is probably going to be be blown up.

A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and said, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

Her husband stands up, removes his shirt and says, "put this in your bag and get me a can of beer!".

Not a bad day I had three winners and two bingers I was about fifty to the good. I can used the bookies gunpowder for to morrow's plot.

No strapless tops, no above the knee hemlines, the head must be covered and no tattoo's should be seen.
At Hamilton it's leggings ra ra skirts and tee shirts, knickers optional.
It an other world we live in.

I am watching Royal Ascot on the telly and they mentioned that Lord Vesty's official title is Master of The Horse ........Don't think Lady Vesty will be too pleased about that...... ''does my arse look big in this'' ''wait till fit saddle you dear''

THIS is the Mona Lisa as you've never seen her before - in a TOPLESS version of Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting.

The saucy portrait of the hottie from history gives us a glimpse of what she's got to smile about as it goes on show after laying hidden for hundreds of years.

It was found in Leonardo's birthplace of Vinci, Italy, and experts say there are "clear links" with the Mona Lisa - the same smile, pose and background.

Only the clothes are missing in this version, which they reckon Leonardo painted around 1503.

It belonged to Napoleon's uncle, Cardinal Joseph Fesch, and was hidden away in his library.

And it's one of SIX nude Mona Lisas based on a lost original, said Vinci museum chief Alessandro Vezzosi.

He said the original might have been part of a series of erotic portraits by da Vinci.

The Mona Lisa is said to be a portrait of Lisa del Giocondo, born in 1479.

A note dated 1845 found with the nude painting says it's a "portrait of the Mona Lisa, mistress of Francis I, by Leonardo da Vinci".

Experts are studying it.

I wonder if there is someone tickling her arse with a feather and she is saying out the side of her mouth ''feck off ya wee perv''

I read with surprise that British Airways want staff to take up to a months unpaid leave to help their budget in this economic downturn.

Changed days indeed.

I remember having to apply for unpaid leave and being treated like a deserter for asking for unpaid leave to go on holiday to Australia.

I hope your not going to make a habit of this........ how will we manage with out you? how do we know you will come back?.... we will look at it .........after six weeks internal investigation they must have contacted Downing Street the White House and Interpol well ok then but don't tell anyone........can I tell ma wife cause she's going to be sitting next to me on the plane, talk about control freaks

The strange thing was I was full time union convenor you would have thought they would have been glad to see the back of me, or even gave me paid leave for the pleasure of not having me round.

I once represented a guy who took a day off without permission. He had asked for unpaid leave and was refused. He took they day off and was charged with being AWOL.

I put a case of mitigation the the out come was he got two days suspension I told him to appeal the guy said fuck no, he was over the moon if he asked for two days unpaid leave it would have been denied. Changed days right enough!

Proposals to give Scotland more autonomy and greater tax-raising powers have been dismissed as a “fudge” by the SNP.

The Scottish Government said the Calman Commission’s report into devolution did not go far enough and what was really needed was full fiscal autonomy.

Ministers will not take part in a cross-party steering group to take forward the Calman recommendations. Instead, the government in Edinburgh plans to press ahead with plans for an independence referendum.

Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy warned the SNP that voters would “punish a political party that puts its own interests above Scotland’s interests”.

The commission, under Sir Kenneth Calman, was set up last year with the backing of Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the Tories to look at how to improve devolution.

Its unanimous conclusion is that devolution has been a success but could be improved.

The final 265-page report, published yesterday, contains 63 recommendations aimed at improving inter-government relations, strengthening the Scottish Parliament and financial accountability.

The main proposal is to give Holyrood tax powers, meaning it would have control of 30% of its budget. This would be achieved through a 10p cut in income tax in Scotland, with a corresponding reduction in the block grant from Westminster.Which would allow Scotland to apply a Scottish income tax of up to 12.5 in the pound while they would pay a lower 15p in the pound to the uk tax system

MSPs would have to decided whether or not to replace the lost 10p, thus increasing accountability and autonomy. No action would result in a loss of income of around £5billion.

It is also proposed to devolve stamp duty, the aggregates levy, landfill tax and air passenger tax to Holyrood, again with a corresponding reduction in the block grant.

The commission rejected giving Scotland a share of oil tax revenues. It said the variable revenue of £1billion to £12billion presented a “massive risk” best managed by the UK Government.

The commission also said Scotland should have control of air-weapon legislation, elections, speed limits and drink-driving limits.

Scotland should also have greater borrowing powers for capital projects like the new Forth Bridge.

At the launch of the final report in Edinburgh, Sir Kenneth said the additional responsibilities would mean more decisions made in Holyrood, new inter-governmental mechanisms to increase Scotland’s voice and more transparent government.

“Everyone in Scotland will see the new financial accountability,” he said. “No longer, when you vote, will you just have to consider how it is proposed to spend your money.”

But Constitution Minister Michael Russell said the financial recommendations fell far short of what the country required.

“Scotland needs full fiscal autonomy, allowing this country to raise all the money it spends and take the big economic decisions,” he said. “That is the best and simplest solution. Anything else risks being a messy fudge.”

Scottish Lib Dem leader Tavish Scott said: “No party should stand in the way of change that will make a real difference to 290,000 businesses and over 2million Scottish taxpayers.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown called the financial proposals “imaginative and bold”.

Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie described the report as “a hugely significant and thorough piece of work”.

Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray said: “It would mean difficult decisions being taken in the Scottish Parliament, but open up new possibilities for that parliament to take action for prosperity and social justice.”

CBI Scotland chairman David Thorburn said the tax recommendations went further than it could support.

When we coming home from the West End festival on Sunday we were on a double decker bus which was mobbed. the driver shouted up to the top ''is there any seats up the stairs'' A voice cane back with the immortal line ''aye but they all have arses on them''

I just read La Spices post in Blogship it reminded me of this wee story.
In Australia flip flops are called thongs.
When I was there I couldn't find my shoes my Australian pal said do you want to put on my thongs WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUU I'm outa here!

Magpie reunion jeso they haven't changed a bit cough, cough!

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has a bright idea for dealing with the plague of knife crime that has beset his city. He thinks he can wean the offenders away from their penchant for armed combat by teaching them Latin and ancient Greek.

As a schoolboy, I was convinced it was the Latin that made me a victim of persecution. The school was supposed to be a comprehensive but it was rigorously streamed into wee swots like me who did Latin, while others served the rest of their scholastic sentence doing woodwork and chucking half-bricks at windows.

One such chap took it upon himself to wait at the school gates at four each day with malice aforethought and intent on giving me a doing.

This was no joke since, even way back in the 1960s, knife-carrying was not unknown in our vicinity. I survived by planning my escape routes in advance and by running fast.

I never did work out exactly why this fellow had taken against me. It is possible I had made some smart-arsed remark in his general direction. But I suspect he had an animus towards Latin scholars.

This practice in the art of running away in order to run away another day came in handy.
You had to develop a radar for detecting possible assailants. But most of all you needed to be lucky.

There were simple rules like not looking the wrong way at a good fighters girlfriend.

There was a firmly rooted chib culture. Chib is a generic word for the knife, sword, bayonet, tomahawk (shades of the cowboy and injun movies), or a rapier in a walking stick that a young Glasgow gentleman might take with him on a social occasion.

Over the years, Glasgow's casualty units have been a rich source of research into stab wounds. One medical student in the 1990s produced a thesis in which he explored the similarities in wounds suffered by Glasgow victims and those received by combatants in mediaeval battles.

One interviewee had been attacked with a sword. He was asked what kind. "Just an ordinary sword," he replied.

My liberal inclinations are severely challenged when it comes to people who go into the streets tooled up in anticipation of violence. If they live by the sword, let them die by the sword.

The more the police stop and search the better. It would be even better if parents routinely stopped and searched their sons and daughters as they headed out for the night.

Their beloved offspring may be carrying a knife for self-protection, but this would not work as a plea in mitigation should the weapon be used.

The solution is simple really, all we have to do is bring up a generation who will bring up their children not to carry knives.

I was in a pub yesterday ordered my drink and put my money on the bar the barmaid said ''could you put the money in my hand I can't pick up the money cause I've just had my nails done'' I couldn't believe it I said in jest you should get hard hats for your nails'' ''just give me the fuckin money'' '' get it your self'' said I...... a a confrontation, a Mexican stand off I took a big sip from my pint....victory, change back too.

I could go clotted cream and scones.............. right now!
What could you go?

My mate Stampy is thinking of chucking in his job at the post office he said he thought he was too immature for it. He said he just sits there sorting parcels and listening to the radio and every time a song finishes he opens one of the parcels.

I got this this morning from my brother.

Don't tell me your age - it probably wouldn't be the truth anyway - but the Cadbury's Man will know! YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute..

Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't look at the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50 (I'll wait while you get the calculator).

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759...if you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number.

The first digit of this was the original number of times you want to have chocolate each week.
The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

Cadbury Man knows all!

Well Annie and I had a great day yesterday we went to the West end festival as planned. we had a stroll about and ended up in the Lismore Whisky Bar on Dumbarton Road the sun was blazing and the beer was cool.

There was live music with big Gerry Macgregor. He hosts a folk club in there every Thursday and some of the people who go to the club got up and ''done a turn''. Two of them, one a taxi driver come Bob Dylan and Hank Williams who done an impersonation of an Aberdonian brickie were very very good.

I bumped into my MP mate he was sitted between Annie and I we were wearing sun glasses and he said ''what is it with the dark glasses''
I said ''if somebody takes your photo I don't want to be recognised as knowing you''

We got home about nine o'clock had a salad and a bottle of Moet then bawbaws.
Great day!!

As I posted earlier in the week it was my wee mammy's birthday on Thursday
I noticed yesterday was The Queens birthday and they had the Trooping of The Colour.
In hindsight we should have had The Trooping of The Fish Supper to celebrate mums birthday.

There are one or two on here feeling a wee bit low this weekend.
So if you want to put a smile on your face whistle a tune right through from start to finish looking in the mirror I bet your smiling at the end of it

It's a nice day up here and Annie and I are are going to the West-end Festival which runs for two weeks.
To day there is a street parade ending up in Kelvin Grove Park where there will be live bands performing both in the park and the surrounding pubs.

I was visiting my brother last week I was in the living room and my nephew shouted from from the back door dad, dad.

my brother said I can't hear you come in your uncle Michael's here.

dad, dad, dad, he shouted back.

I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' my brother said
A few moments later my nephew appeared in the living room.

'Dad, I've got dog shite all over my trainers.'

I was coming back from Partick the other day on the bus and guy got on, he had a stuffed leopard under his arm and he sat beside me.
I was looking about for a Jeremy Beedle, thinking this must be a wind up.

The way it's head was it was as though it was eyeing me up for diner.
Not being a shy type I said ''did you have to buy a ticket for the
leopard'' he didn't reply he just gave me a look as if to say ''are you mad'' and I'm thinking back it's not me with Lenny the Lions wee brother under my arm.

As I got off the bus I said to him ''watch out it's a jungle out there''
everyone on the bus was laughing apart from him. Maybe he has always been like that after all a leopard never changes its spots

It is being reported on BBC news that Maggie Thatcher has broken her arm.

It has also been reported that Arthur Scargill had been seen in a shop Leeds yesterday,apparently he was trying to purchase a voodoo doll and some pins.

Upload a picture of yourself when you were a child.

Any captions welcome

So Alex Ferguson sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Ronaldo and hopefully win Man Utd the title again.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
Ferguson manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Old Trafford.

Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down to Arsenal with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Manchester Utd. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"

I read again to my displeasure that once again teenagers are getting it in the neck.

Their exams are too easy, they have no manners,they are lazy and their music is shit.

Well I am north of fifty and I remember all these things being targeted at me in my teens.

If the exams are easy you sit them education is not just for the young.
The manners of a section of the elderly has a lot to be desired or maybe they have just forgotten.
Lazy .......well some of them could fall asleep running for a bus.
As for the music did your mum like bob Dylan or the Stones.
The Who hit the nail on the head with My Generation.

Maybe the words now need a slight tinkering with to suit my generation nowadays.

MY DEGENERATION

People try to push us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
Just because we can't get around (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
They want our house and they want our doe (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
I hope I die before it gets sold (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)

This is my degeneration
This is my degeneration, baby

Why don't you all f-fade away (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
You always smile, you think your kind,(talking bout my degeneration)
But your driving right out my mind (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
I'm not trying to cause a big s-s-sensation (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
I just can't shite, I've got constip-p-pation (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)

This is my degeneration
This is my degeneration, baby

Why don't you all f-fade away (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
I used to be wild, I used to be a s-s-sinner (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
Now I can't remember what I had for d-d-dinner (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
Was it soup or was it egg (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
I think there's piss running down my leg (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)

This is my degeneration
This is my degeneration, baby

People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
Just be cause we can't get around (Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
Your ashamed of me, put me to bed(Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)
Like the drunken priest in Father Ted(Talkin' 'bout my degeneration)

This is my degeneration
This is my degeneration, baby

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt..
3) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
4) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy

Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Aw naw!" shouts Sister Senga. "Whit are we gonnae dae?"

"Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windae washirs . I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"It did'nae wurk, whit'll a dae?" shouts Sister Senga.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

"Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts.......

"Get tae fuck aff the fuckin' car ya wee vampire bastard!!!!"

I was in the Counting House yesterday and it was very busy at the bar as a guy got served another guy said to him ''I was before you'' ''sorry pal''
the guy kept on moaning so they guy who got served said ''away and scratch yer arse till your nose bleeds ya fuckin bam pot.
I couln't have put it better myself.

1 You believe in Santa.
2 You don't believe in Santa.
3 You are Santa.
$ You look like Santa.

Fifty years on and you've not changed a bit

A guy is chatting up a female in a Glasgow bar he say's to her ''can I drive you home'' She sets up and makes for the door turns and said ''you just have ya boring bastard''

It's my mums birthday today so Annie and I will be up there about two
o'clock to get things ready for a wee bit of a party. The cake is ordered and I will get some booze and nibbles and set it up.
My brothers and sister and their families will be up about six and we should have quite a good time of it.
Mum came up with a good Idea, instead of making a meal she is having a chip shop party, the downside of which is her house will be smelling of vinegar for about a week.

A man was shot with a starting pistol in Glasgow to night.
Police said it was a race related crime.

Pat said to Mick I used to put on a clean pair of socks every day'' ''what made you stop'' said Mick I couldn't get my shoes on at the end of the week''

I was in BHS in Glasgow a woman came out of the changing room with a new dress on, she said to her man ''does ma arse look big in this'' he said ''pull it roon and see for your self'' ''bastard'' she yelled as she stormed back into the changing room.

Brave or stupid ..........?

Mafia Insurance No Fee ................No Limbs

Gordon Brown and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Brown told the driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happend. About one hour later Brown sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other hand and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?", asked Brown. The driver replied, "Well the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Brown, "I'm Gordon Brown's driver and I just killed the pig."

I remember once Annie and I were going to Ayr for a weekends racing, well I was going racing and Annie was having a week end away from home. Anyway
when we got off the train it was pissing down and I was just wearing trousers and a tee shirt as we were just going to the first pub I couldn't be bothered going through the case for a jacket.
When we were walking out of the station there we three old women in front of us, to me one of them said to me have you not got a jacket son, it's pouring. I said yes but it's new and I don't want to get it wet.

You want to have seen the look of bewilderment on her face, it was priceless.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

4. Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ........ Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like . Snowstorms ............. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ........ Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH

I 'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN

W ARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW
TO USE IT

O F COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME

D O NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

It seems that latest celebrity must do is to get someone to put their name up for election to Parliament.

It will not be long before Becks, Gazza, Joey Barton and co also start answering the call to serve the public.

At last politics will get the same coverage in the tabloids as sport and celebrity.

I can just see it now, The Celebrity Party Conference live from the
O2 Arena, chaired by Max Clifford pictures by Hello Magazine,the party anthem could be ''We'll Keep the Red Carpet Lying Here'' or Welcome to The House of Fun

The Elections will be modernised. It will be done over thirteen weeks and voting will be done by phone in Paxman and Co will be replaced by Ants, Dec and Divina McCall and instead of being called Election 2009 it will be I'm A Celebrity Get Me In To Here.

If you receive a E-MAIL from the Department of Health informing you not to eat tinned PORK because of the
swine flu outbreak
Ignore it---It's SPAM!

There's nowhere more I'd rather be beside,
The smell of salt the washing tide,
The floating joby the half drowned tissue,
The homeless man selling the weeks big issue,

Children eating their candy floss,
Wearing Prada,Versace and Hugo Boss,
Bingo,slots and ringing tills,
Corals Ladbrookes and William Hills,

The pier, the dodgems, the helter skelter,
The girl with the wiggle, the little belter,
The kabab, the burger the fish'n chips,
The drunken boys doing skinny dips,

Post card, rock and souvenir shops,
Lager, wine and alcopops,
Kiss me quick and squeeze me tight,
I'll fall asleep on the train tonight

Little wonder then,
When to the to the coast we come,
Our hearts start beating,
Like a big bass drum.

I had a good day at Hamilton races yesterday I went with £100 came back half pissed with £180.

Haircut, vote, go racing at Hamilton Park.
Wish me luck for the racing have a good day....must dash.

As some of you may already know I used to do a bit of streaking in the seventies. I would pass by people in a flash and they would wonder if they were seeing things.
If I wanted to do it now I would not be quite as fast and my tackle wouldn't be as prominent as at was then.
So ........ what should streaking be called for the slow and sloppy ?

The Tourettes Documentaries

I have followed the documentaries about the sufferers of this illness over the years and I feel for these poor people but my sense of humor is such that I do find it funny.

I remember the last series where John Davidson was in the pub with his pal and his pal is spending the house keeping on booze,John is explaining that he can't keep secrets ''I can't know the kids christmas gifts because I would have a compulsion to tell the kids what they were getting, I can't play charades because I would just shout out Jaws before I act it'' at that point if we were in any doubt, his mate's wife comes into the pub and he shouts out ''he's done your money in on bevy'' situations like that must make his friendship fairly delicate.

Now only if John could become an MP we would have known a lot earlier about the expenses.

I can imagine it now ''he's flippin, she's flippin, they are all flip in'' ''order order''
''you shut up Mick your worse than any of them your allowing it''

He has jobs with a bank, he has a job with an arms company........There would be no need to blag CD'S with information on them.

Sex is like a game of bridge, if you don't have a good partner you need a good hand