nultygoestopartick

It's a nice day so Annie ad I are off to Loch Lomond. Have a nice one guys.

The story of the M.P's expenses can be told by giving names of horses actually running to day in the UK.

Liberty Trail 7.20 M
Give Me a Chance 6.30 T
Roben des Bank 9.00 T
That'll Do Nicely 8.20M
Expensive Dinner2.00 Y
Crime Writer 4.30 Y
Flapper 3.35 G
Tricky Situation 8.40M
Goodbye Cash 2.35 Y
Lords Seat2.10 H

non runner Confessional 7.40 H

If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.

The Marmite Messiah.......... whatever tickles your fancy.
But to me it's more like Captain Hook, Lenny from Motorhead or Cher in a hot country

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What do you think ?

Three guys are going on a skiing holiday but when they get to their hotel however, they are told that the hotel is overbooked and that they must all share a single room with one bed.
Later that night, the man on the left hand side of the bed wakes up and says "Hey guys. I've just had a really strange dream where I was given a hand job"
The guy on the right hand side of the bed, hearing this says "Hey, I've just had the very same dream"
The guy in the middle then says "That's funny I dreamt I won gold for skiing in the winter olympics.

A new song for a bus run.
Sixhundred and forty six MP's standing on a wall,
Sixhundred and forty six MP's standing on a wall,
And if one MP should accidently fall, there'll be,
Sixhundred and forty five MP's standing on the wall,

Sixhundred and forty five MP's standing on on a wall

This could be a rather long post..............

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, What happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on My front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on The porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since My Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and Excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

After the Angel of the North escapade yesterday I went to the Counting House a very large Witherspoon's on George Square, it used to be one of the main banks in the town it's great for people watching.
I normally try to get a seat at the widow and look out on to the Square but yesterday I had to be content with being propped up at the bar. What I noticed was that there is great variation of people that use the pub.

There were a few family groups consisting of three generations, there were a large group of the grey rinse brigade who had been at some award ceremony in the City Chambers there were a group of women who looked like they were going to weight watchers but decided not to go, one of whom went to the bar and got a pie and a bottle of rose, now I have heard of a pie and a bottle of Irn Bru or a pie and a bottle of beer but that's a new one on me............. Glasgow' with style right enough.

Then there were the five women of about sixty with the white frilly low cut blouses i think they were going to a Sybil Fawlty convention.
then there were the students about twenty of them all buying their own individual drinks borrowing pennies and five pence's the barman was demented with them. Then there were tourists from all the countries that had made the town rich in the eighteen hundreds maybe looking for their relations......

You should try it out if your ever in Glasgow.

Sharons husband Jim died.His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed from the purvey, Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was £6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
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As I was walking down Union Street yesterday I heard the cry of what seamed to be a yodelling banshee as I looked in the general direction of the noise I could see no street performer but what I did see was brown tack suited moron of about seventeen running after a bus with his arms outstretched looking like the Angel of the North repeatedly screaming stop,stop driver I've left ma stash on the bus.

The bus came to a halt a the traffic lights he caught up with it, ma stash ma stash an old woman said ''how can you leave a moustache on a bus?
anyway the driver wouldn't open the door so the Angel of the North stuck the nut on the door about six rapid. By this time the police have arrived on the scene.
I thought it was nice of them to go on the bus and help him look for his stash and then give him a lift up the road.

I was in town yesterday moving some money about from one bank to another.
It dawned on me I was putting the money in, exactly a year ago it was do you want something to drink, do you want me to kiss your arse, yes sir, of course sir, yes certainly sir, smile, smile that's everything ok.

One year on and the money's going out, it's you can't do this, you can't do that, you've got do this nope, you can't do it that way then, they look to he ceiling as if you're mental. What are you going to do with it, that was the straw that broke the camels back, ''your not my mum, it's not my pocket money, it's my hard earned, not yours.......... check please, thanks.

Warning don't hit children................they have guns!

I was reading Middleagedblokes post about standing your ground. It reminded me off a time I was representing the workforce in a dispute. I came down to a meeting with the men with a compromise from the management.

As soon as the meeting started this big giant of a guy made it clear there was to be no compromise.... he bellowed ''there are fuckin rawlbolts right through our fuckin boots and our fuckin feet right into the fuckin concrete floor.......... we are not moving a fuckin inch. Not quite the same way Thatcher put it but he wasn't for turning either.

Merlin

For centuries the Welsh and the English have claimed him as their own.

And most historians have until now believed Merlin was a mythical figure.

But a new book by Scots advocate Adam Ardrey claims he was real - and rather than Camelot, lived in a large house in what is now the Partick area of Scotland's biggest city in the year 600.

The author has gone as far as identifying the exact location - Ardery Street, just off the city's Dumbarton Road.

Today the area is occupied by traditional red sandstone tenement flats, but in Merlin's day it would have been open countryside.

It is best known as the area where comedian Billy Connolly grew up and it was also the original home of Glasgow football club Partick Thistle and of course the famous blogger Nultygoestopartick.

The amateur historian has used his legal training to argue that since Merlin's death, the real story has been suppressed by Christian writers.

The modern image of Merlin is moulded by his portrayal as a magician in movies like Excalibur and the Sword In The Stone.

But Mr Ardrey is certain Merlin possessed no special powers, and in reality was a politician and scholar.

According to the book Finding Merlin: The Truth Behind The Legend, he lived with his wife, Gwendolin, at Ardery Street from 600 to 618 and they would have enjoyed a "comfortable lifestyle".

Mr Ardrey's book is based on six years of research and uses ancient public records to build up a picture of Merlin's life.

So there you have it and guess who used to stay in Ardery Street?....yes my first flat.

You can still hear voices at night saying ''touch that sword once more and I will kill you'' and a woman's voice saying ''shut up Merlin have you been in the Hayburn Vaults again''

If you feeling useless and think you are an underachiever and that you have never been successful just remember you were once the the sperm that beat a million others............so cheer up.

You might not have known this but some inanimate things have a gender.

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS
They are male,because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:

Are female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES:

Tires are male because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:

Also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their bottom.

SPONGES:

These are female because they are soft squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female

Because they're constantly being looked t and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:

Definitely male because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:

Male...Because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all
and they are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:

Female.You probably thought it would be malebut consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push he just keeps trying

Can you think of anymore?

We were in the pub yesterday and got talking about bad holidays.
My mate Andy said that he and his wife went on holiday to France with a guy and his wife they knew from the golf club.

He said anytime they had been in their company they seemed OK.
The second night the guy and his wife had a slight argument the next night it was worse and it got gradually worse.

the highlight or low point depending on which way you view it was a bawling match in the room with her screaming the place down. Andy said the police came running into the room the guy seen the guns and said oh ''great fuckin shoot her'' Andy said ''I didn't know weather to laugh or cry, it was a nightmare''

A woman was in the maternity ward just after giving birth, the doctor said to her ''your child is a we bit different''
''What do you mean, what's wrong'' ''well it a hermaphrodite'' what in the name of god is that'' she gasped
''Well basically it's got the organs of both male and female''
The woman looked puzzled and said ''what,........ you mean it's got a dick .....and a brain''

I thought I was starving yesterday but last night I was halfway through eating a scabby horse and thought to myself your not as hungry as you thought you were Nults.

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I have one at home miss.

What's the whitest owl in Britain called

The teet.................well it's early

All the MP's caught changing their second home addresses for financial gain should all be put into an aqua park along with the rest of the flippers.

I heard they all had Dolphin showers installed.

I overheard someone in the pub yesterday talking about the carry on on Parliament ''The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes.''
Sometimes you just have to smile!

There is a loud call for an election now but there is more to come, remember that what we have been told by the Telegraph is selective. The full list is to be put on line in June or July by the powers at be.They have not only been fiddling their expenses there are the second and third jobs to consider.

This is a problem not only for one party it covers all parties, to call an election on this matter is wrong. Personally I think the police should be called in and legal action be taken to the wrong doers.The bad apples must be cleaned out before any election.

The political commentators seem very angry but I do not believe they didn't know about this.
What about the ex MP's on the telly don't tell me they didn't know.

I was acting in an advert for The National Accident Claim Helpline and fell off a ladder, broke my arm and leg.
I tried to get compensation from them they said I should have known better.

Lucky white heather, lucky white heather, lucky white heather.

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Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take so long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

When we were out yesterday a guy in the pub said last night his wife met him at the front door wearing a sexy negligee.
The only problem was was,she was coming in.

Alfie Patton was apparently "devastated" that a DNA test has shown that he is not the youngest father in Britain.

However he soon cheered up when his mum said she was taking him to the circus where he could see the clowns and the animals and if he was a good boy she would by him a toffee apple and candy floss.

I was making plans to start up a moat cleaning and mock Tudor beam making business.
Three weeks ago the bank was willing to give me a loan now it wont..........what's changed?

Who can you trust?...... Your MP, your bank, your bookie, your landlord, your boss, your councillor, your lawyer, your financial advisor, your builder, your plumber, your mechanic, your preacher, your teacher, your doctor, your dentist, your nurse, are things so bad that we really don't trust anyone.
Even on here if some one gives you a friends invitation you check it out first before accepting........of course you do........ don't you?
Do you trust in the Lord, the law, or the police.
You can't even trust your local shop lifter anymore

Would anything surprise you any more?

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says... "We invented sex."

The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women

Annie's daughter Linda is up from London this week so we went out yesterday to Oran Mor an old church at the top of Byres Road in the west end.
They run an event at one o'clock each day A Play A Pie And A Pint, you pay a tenner you get entrance to a play, and you get a pie and a pint.
It had been a while since we had been and we really enjoyed ourselves the play was quite funny.
Sometimes you get well known actors like Robbie Coltraine Ewan McGregor and
Robert Carlisle in the plays.It is worth checking out if you are ever in Glasgow.
Oh I nearly forgot .............. we went for a wee drink after it.

The race is on for a new Speaker.
Who would you like to see and why?

I would love Jeremy Kyle to get the job. He could crouch on the floor of the house lull the MP's into a false sense of security then pounce on them or even give them the dreaded lie detector when they least expected it.
You never know it might get more people taking an interest in politics.

It appears Speaker Martin is slipping or being dragged off his chair. I have a signed bottle of Speaker Martins 12 Year Old Single Malt, will it go up or down in value?

A young city banker was involved in a dreadful car crash. The entire side of his BMW was ripped away, along with his arm. When the police arrived on the scene, the banker was in a state of shock. “My car! My car!” he groaned.

The cop weighed up the extent of the injuries and said, “Sir, I think you should be more worried about your arm than your car.”

He looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed, “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

I once knew a guy who was a bit kinky he used to get durty wummin to slap his arse with the ariel of his transit........he ended up with van ariel disease

I was just thinking of the time when every second car seemed to have a CB radio.
The handles used to bee quite funny although there must have been about million Vodka Ladies.
Mine was Mick the Miller.Were you into it? what was your handle?

If it was proposed that if criminals repaid any profit from crime and not face charges these very people would be outraged yet this is exactly what is happening here.
It would appear there is no deterrent to fiddling your expenses all you do is repay if you are caught and actually take the moral high ground.

Why did no one offer to repay before they were named? It seems that it is wrong once your caught but not before it and why only four years retrospection? are we to assume that it never happened prior to this,pull the other one.

If a group of civil servants were suspected of making dubious claims they would be suspended pending police enquiry.

The latest news on the MP's claims..................................... ..............one of them claimed for seven Home Sweet Home Signs!

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I
tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, well neither my wife or I could get the jar open.'

We were talking in the pub the other day and someone asked if any of us had used Viagra we looked around and Old Alex said that he used half a tablet every day.
'' but your not married or you don't have a partner'' ''no it's not for sex, it's just that it stops me pissing on my slippers''

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HER E."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

I remember when I started working as an electrician with the council I thought it was a good job, a good class of work and not bad wages and a pension scheme.

Then this old guy came up and said '' your too late son the jobs fucked now it used to be better than this but they have cut this cut that you could get money for this money for that and you could get material for homers with out signing for it, the jobs definitely fucked.

I think if I got in as an MP at the next election some old MP would come up to me and say your too late son, the jobs fucked son we used to get money for this money for that and material things for the home without signing for it, the jobs definitely fucked son.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: getting laid
> > ___________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
> > attorney?
> > ___________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death..
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > ____________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > ____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> > notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > WITNESS : All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > ___________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > And the best for last:
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> > pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began > > the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> > nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> > things
> > people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
> > by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
> > exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> > ___________________________________________
> >_
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > ___________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> > __________________________________________

> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> > he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > _________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> > _________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: getting laid

I was in bed watching the racing on the telly Annie was out I heard a noise in the kitchen so I got up and went into the kitchen, there sitting on the top of the units beside an ornament of a white duck were two doo's (pigeons) cooing away, I think the male was after his nookie.

I didn't know to laugh or cry. I opened and closed the door about three or four times and they flew out the window I think the cock was pulling up his trousers.

Just as well Annie wasn't in she would have shit her self.

It appears that as a result of the recession we are spending more time at home in the bedroom.
As a result experts are expecting a baby boom.
The recession doesn't seem to having any effect on me.

Start with a big one.

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MPs have to follow certain guidelines when submitting expenses claims, set out in a parliamentary document known as the Green Book, and the Daily Telegraph is not accusing the 13 cabinet ministers whose claims it has studied in detail of breaking the rules.

But the revelations highlight two key flaws in the system.

First, the rules are often lax, or ambiguous, or plagued by loopholes. These enable MPs to submit claims that violate the spirit of the rules, even if though they appear to conform with the wording of the Green Book.

Second, the rules are "enforced" by Commons officials in the finance department who have little authority over MPs. They have the right to reject claims, but – like all Commons staff – they view themselves as servants of the house and they are reluctant to challenge assertions made by "honourable members".

Once the finance department agrees to pay a claim, an MP is then in a position to say that it must be legitimate because it has been approved by the Commons authorities.

As the Daily Telegraph puts it, the result is that many MPs have submitted claims that, while technically legitimate, "go beyond what members of the public would find acceptable".

The Telegraph has published specific details relating to 13 cabinet ministers. But its journalists have also studied the claims submitted by other MPs. Based on the latest revelations, it is now possible to identify at least 14 ways in which MPs have been able to exploit the system.

1. Nominating the "wrong" home as the second home

Most abuses related to the "additional costs allowance" (ACA), the £24,000-a-year sum that allows MPs to cover the cost of having a second home so that they can serve their constituency and visit Westminster regularly. The Green Book says: "The location of your main home will normally be a matter of fact." But, in practice, MPs have considerable discretion over deciding which home is their second one and many of them seem to have used this to ensure that their "second home" is the one that allows them to make the higher claim under the ACA.

2. "Flipping" the designation as to which home is the second home

MPs can change the home they nominate as their second one and the Daily Telegraph has described this process as "flipping". It says that dozens of MPs have "switched" their second home from London to the constituency, and sometimes back again, to allow them to claim for expensive renovation work on the new "second" property.

3. Buying goods for the "wrong" home

The ACA allows MPs to claim for furniture for their second home. The Daily Telegraph says it has uncovered "numerous" cases of MPs using the ACA to claim for items that were actually delivered to the MP's main home. In some of these cases, MPs (unnamed by the Telegraph) have apparently told Commons officials that they subsequently moved the goods themselves to the second home.

4. Charging for stamp duty

MPs are allowed to claim for stamp duty under the ACA. The Telegraph says that Caroline Flint, the Europe minister, claimed £14,553 for stamp duty and solicitors' fees when she bought a new flat in Westminster. This is entirely within the rules, but it is nevertheless likely to annoy housebuyers who do pay stamp duty.

5. Avoiding capital gains tax

Homeowners have to pay capital gains tax if they sell a second home. But MPs are allowed to designate one property as a second home for tax purposes and another as their second home when claiming the ACA, thus allowing them to avoid capital gains tax quite easily.

6. Claiming for a second home while living in a grace-and-favour home

Ministers such as Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling have been allowed to claim the ACA while living in a grace-and-favour home at the taxpayer's expenses. This longstanding practice seemed to contradict the spirit of the rules and the government has now agreed to stop this from July.

7. Renting out second homes

There have also been cases of ministers living in a grace-and-favour apartment and claiming the ACA for a constituency property while renting out property they own in London. The Telegraph today describes how Darling has been able to do this. Again, this is within the rules but tricky to justify.

8. Moving up the property ladder

MPs who use the ACA to fund a second property are allowed to keep any profit when they sell it. Soaring property prices in London over the last 15 years have enabled some MPs to benefit enormously. The Telegraph says that some MPs appear also to have been deliberating working their way up the property ladder by buying a house, renovating it, and then selling it for a profit soon afterwards.

9. Charging for trivia

MPs can claim for a wide variety of items, under the ACA and under other expenses, such as the incidental expenses provision, which pays for office costs. The Telegraph says that claims by Shaun Woodward, the Northern Ireland secretary, included 38p for a Muller Crunch Corner yoghurt and £1.06 for a pizza from Asda. The Telegraph also reports on a Tory MP claiming 78p for two tins of cat food, another Tory MP charging £10 for a bag of manure and – bizarrely – a male Tory who lost his seat in 2005 claiming for two packets of Tampax tampons.

10. Exploiting the "no receipt" rule

MPs recently voted to change the rules so that from now on they will have to submit receipts for all claims. But, at one stage, MPs did not have to submit receipts for claims worth less than £250. The Telegraph says many MPs appear to have exploited this by submitting claims suspiciously valued at about £249 for services such as plumbing.

11. Overspending on food

Under the ACA, MPs have been able to claim up to £400 a month for food, without having to provide receipts. The Daily Telegraph says some MPs have claimed the maximum every month, even during the recess when they are supposed to be at home and not incurring expenses associated with living in a second home.

12. Overspending at the end of the financial year

The Telegraph says some MPs appear to go on a spending spree in March, using up their allowance before it runs out at the end of the financial year.

13. Overspending on renovations

According to the Green Book, MPs are not allowed to spend the ACA on repairs that "go beyond making good dilapidations and enhance the property". But this rule does not seem to be enforced very strictly. One MP claimed £14,000 for the installation of a wet room and another claimed £8,000 for fitted bookcases.

14. Renovating property just before standing down

The Telegraph says some MPs charged to have their homes renovated shortly before leaving parliament. It says Lord Mandelson billed taxpayers nearly £3,000 for work carried out around the time he announced that he was leaving the Commons to become a European commissioner. Today, Mandelson has strongly denied wrongdoing, saying that the work was "essential" maintenance and not renovation work intended to add value to his property.

I know he reads this and so do his pals so i think you will get a big riddy Stephen.

When he was about five or six on the day before my mums birthday he went to the local news agents with a big smile on his face, pointed to the the big giant bar of Cadburys and said he wanted it. The guy said that will be three shillings he only had sixpence.The guy said ''you can have that one'' pointing to the small bar no no I want the big one it's for my mums birthday, his smile turned to a petted lip.
They guy gave him the chocolate and a birthday card to boot.

The next day my mum went into the shop and the guy sang happy birthday to her ''how did you know it was my birthday'' it was then he told her of Stephens shopping expedition.

There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you think will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . .. .. Try and answer within 20 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Ladies here are the rules from the head of the house!

1. Men are NOT mind readers, if there is a reason for your bad mood explain in detail.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Horse Racing.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

As the two friends wandered through the snow on their way back home through the snow, Piglet grinned to him self, thinking how lucky I am to have a best friend like Pooh.

Pooh thought to himself,
if that pig sneezes, it's is fuckin dead.

I remember years ago I was going to a big union meeting in town. I was suited and booted, shirt tie even a briefcase, anyway I smoked at the time and before going into the hall I went into a shop ''twenty Embassy Tipped please'' I gave the guy three pounds anything else sir ''aye could I see your penny tray''
I picked up about ten things off the penny tray ''could you put them in a bag'' you want to have seen his face I was pissing myself.

I had the need to use Imodium the other day because like Alistair Darling I couldn't budge it.

I couldn't believe the instructions on the packet
......Do not push through.......... If I could I wouldn't be using the damn product.

That's it I have done enough in here I'm oot intae Particko.
Must dash...................

Well that's the windaes done and guess what the rains came on.......one good thing though I can't do the garden.
Windae cleaner joke

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little so he decides to, well, you know, 'pleasure' himself. So he's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander 'round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar

"oh, yeah, how much does he charge you, then?"

"well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"fifty quid! blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say.
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .that phrase .
in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them..

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

It's a nice morning I think I'll do the windows and mess about in the garden or I could just stay in and watch my new telly no,no,no the widows and garden.
oh ilast night I said to annie the telly looks much better in the dark......''so do you'' she said, ye canny win.

“I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I’m not very good at it.''

Subject: Maryhill Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously!

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure f right so's it did... My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help stricken locals..

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were..

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.
The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, (2 furra pounda!) Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray.

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble Apparently she was smothered in20raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue , whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fanny?"

The new telly came at half past four the day has just went past me.
It's up and running although I will fine tune it when I'm in a better mood
I couldn't find the on switch ............yes I know I'm an electrician that's what makes it worse it turns out there was a flyer with the instructions that I never seen never mind read oh well as they say things can only get better.
Did I lose the plot...........well a wee bit.

This place is as slow as a night in the cells.

Nulty on Mayday

I went to the Mayday Rally in Glasgow on Sunday and for a change it was a nice day.

when i got there I noticed the Red Flag flying from the City Chambers it brought a smile to my face, was this the action of the same people I had been fighting and arguing with about workers conditions for all those years.

There were wee groups all over the square The Communists, Socialist Workers, Greenpeace The Labour Party, SNP, CND, Friends of Palestine, Friends of Chile,and Enemies of Everyone Hands of Our Schools Hands of our Hands.
You would think that after fifty years of protesting the Communists and The Republicans Social would get a new style of chant or song or slogan but no ''it's we want what do we want'' and ''somebody out, somebody out,
somebody, somebody out,out,out.

an idea for a new TV program Make Over My Party.

One of the guys selling The Socialist Worker was getting his photo taken he shouted to the guy taking the picture ''if you see anyone buying a paper from me could you take a picture so that I can frame it, it's four years since somebody bought one''

The trade unionists were gathered at the Cenotaph within that,was my group, Unite.
Unite is made up of The old T&G AEU and EETPU and there has been a lot of blood spilt over the years so we were together but separate if you know what I mean .

There was a pipe band and brass band warming up at opposite corners and the sound of this in the middle was confusing to put it mildly.

I met my mate the MP and his team from his constituency party some of who I already knew.

The march took about an hour and was well mannered. When we got to the venue, The City Halls I met some of my old friends it's funny how at times like this you always remember the good times.

After the long walk we were developing a bit of a druth so we asked when the bar opens.... Two o'clock it was twelve noon a two hour wait talk about not being able to run a piss up in a brewery.

It seems they didn't want anyone bevied during the speeches, well it worked because we were all in O'Niels.

Once the drink started the fun began my mate the MP was the but of all the fun.
He had on white trousers and a red jumper and he was talking about the Tories and their second jobs ''what about your second job'' I've not got one'' ''what about the Ladbrookes uniform.

Then he was shy of going up to the bar and he was being slagged of about it he said''last year I got the first drink''and one of the guys said ''that was before the expenses carry on things must be tighter now''

Oh and when I told him that Pompeycaulkhead said in his blog ''our political masters have all the sex appeal of a cheese and onion crisp''

He wanted to know what colour the packet was if it was red that was fine but if it was blue he would making a complaint but he never challenge the statement
just the colour of the packet.

It was one liners all day long I had a great day out with a lot of great guys

Intelligence:

Confusing Americans since MDCCLXXVI

I'm waiting on my new telly coming. It will be delivered between 6an and seven o'clock surely they can do better than that.
Anyway Annie's away out she will be back at oneish which means I can go out
but my dilemma is if I go out and come back half gassed i will try to set up the telly ...........so I hope it comes soon.

I have a pair of valentine boxers Annie got me them years ago.
I would go for a shower then put them on when i was done if Annie said ''take them off''
it meant no.
on the other hand if she said ''you a daft bugger'' it meant maybe,
and if she said ''well hello their big boy'' I was smiling.

I put them on this morning and that's why I'm writing this.
but they are my favourites.

Have you got a favourite pair?

Annie hit me over the head with an abacus she said it was a counter attack.

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

1 People who's buckets are half empty.
2 Soaps.
3 Celebrity followers.
4 Kiss and tell stories.
5 Hearing the same story more than twice.
6 People that say ''you have missed the point'' no I didn't you never made one.
8 People who tell you a joke while reading it off a text.
9 Grand Prix.......... they are!
10 Junk mail

I am a fan of Nemo yes that Nemo big orange baw face silly stripes but since the first time I seen the film on the plane to Australia I was erm hooked.

So tell us a secret then!!!!!!!1

The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

* The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass
* The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass
* The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne
* The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all
* The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne
* The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese
* The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass
* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish
* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation
* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out ya wee bastard'

Yes I must admit to having done this more than once, generally when I am hungover.

Have you?

May Day occurs on May 1 and refers to any of several public holidays. In many countries, May Day is synonymous with International Workers' Day, or Labour Day, which celebrates the social and economic achievements of the labour movement. As a day of celebration the holiday has ancient origins, and it can relate to many customs that have survived into modern times. Many of these customs are due to May Day being a cross-quarter day, meaning that in the Northern Hemisphere it falls approximately halfway between the spring equinox and summer solstice. Traditional May Day celebrations

May Day marks the end of the half of the year in the Northern hemisphere, and it has traditionally been an occasion for popular and often raucous celebrations, regardless of the locally prevalent political or religious establishment.

As Europe became Christianized the pagan holidays lost their religious character and either changed into popular secular celebrations, as with May Day, or were replaced by new Christian holidays as with Christmas, Easter, and All Saint's Day. In the twentieth century, many neopagans began reconstructing the old traditions and celebrating May Day as a pagan religious festival again.

May Day has been celebrated in Ireland since pagan times as the feast of Beltane and in latter times as Mary's day, bonfires are lit to mark the coming of summer and to banish the long nights of winter.

May 1st is the Feast of St Philip & St James, they became the patron saints of workers. Seeding has been completed by this date and it was convenient to give farm labourers a day off. Perhaps the most significant of the traditions is the Maypole, around which traditional dancers circle with ribbons.

Also, 1 May 1707 was the day the Act of Union came into effect, joining England and Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain.

In Durham, students of the University of Durham gather on Prebend's Bridge at 5am to see the sunrise and enjoy pagan festivities, including folk music, dancing and a BBQ. This is emerging as a Durham tradition.

A good example of more traditional May Day festivities is still witnessed in Whitstable, Kent where the Jack in the Green festival was revived in 1976 and continues to lead an annual procession of morris dancers through the town on the May Bank Holiday. A separate revival occurred in Hastings in 1983 and has become a major event in the town calendar. Padstow also holds its annual 'Obby 'Oss festival. A traditional Sweeps Festival is performed over the May bank holiday in Rochester, Kent where the Jack In the Green is woken at dawn on the 1st of May by Morris dancers.

The Maydayrun involves thousands of motorbikes taking a 55-mile (89 km) trip from London (Locksbottom) to the Hastings seafront, East Sussex. The event has been taking place for almost 30 years now and has grown in interest from around the country, both commercially and publicly. The event is not officially organised; the police only manage the traffic, while volunteers manage the parking.

Hastings fills up with tourists and bikes by about 11 AM, and the A21 from Kent to East Sussex is the road the bikers travel. As a result, the road is severely congested during the event.

Padstow in Cornwall holds its annual 'Obby-Oss' day of festivities. This is believed to be one of the oldest fertility rites in the UK; revellers dance with the Oss through the streets of the town and even through the private gardens of the citizens, accompanied by accordion players and followers dressed in white with red or blue sashes who sing the traditional 'May Day' song. The whole town is decorated with springtime greenery, and every year thousands of onlookers attend. Prior to the 19th century distinctive May day celebrations were widespread throughout West Cornwall and have recently been revived in St. Ives and in 2008 will be revived in Penzance.

Kingsand, Cawsand and Millbrook in Cornwall celebrate Flower Boat Ritual on the May Day bank holiday. A model of the ship The Black Prince is covered in flowers and is taken in procession from the Quay at Millbrook to the beach at Cawsand where it is cast adrift. The houses in the villages are decorated with flowers and people traditionally wear red and white clothes. There are further celebrations in Cawsand Square with Morris dancing and May pole dancing.

In St Andrews, some of the students gather on the beach late on April 30 and run into the North Sea at sunrise on May Day, occasionally naked. This is accompanied by torch lit processions and much elated celebration.

Both Edinburgh and Glasgow organize Mayday festivals and rallies. In Edinburgh, the Beltane Fire Festival is held on the evening of May eve and into the early hours of May Day on the city's Calton Hill.

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