nultygoestopartick

What are three fish beginning and ending with the letter 'K'?

Killer shark

Kwiksave boil-in-the-bag smoked haddock

Kilmarnock (which is a small plaice in Scotland)

I'm thinking of buying a flat screen. No i will buy a flat screen 32 inch I got about £350 to spend any recommendations I have been looking all night
i just need a push.

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames."

Police were called into a pub to sort out a fight between two brothers at a family doo.
They separated them and asked one of them how it started.
The guy said ''I hit him because he kicked his wife in the fud''
The policeman said ''what's that got to do with you''
'' when he done it he broke three of my fingers''

The Seven Principles of Public Life

Selflessness : Holders of public office should take decisions solely in terms of the public interest. They should not do so in order to gain financial or other material benefits for themselves, their family, or their friends.

Integrity : Holders of public office should not place themselves under any financial or other obligation to outside individuals or organisations that might influence them in the performance of their official duties.

Objectivity : In carrying out public business, including making public appointments, awarding contracts, or recommending individuals for rewards and benefits, holders of public office should make choices on merit.

Accountability : Holders of public office are accountable for their decisions and actions to the public and must submit themselves to whatever scrutiny is appropriate to their office.

Openness : Holders of public office should be as open as possible about all the decisions and actions that they take. They should give reasons for their decisions and restrict information only when the wider public interest clearly demands.

Honesty : Holders of public office have a duty to declare any private interests relating to their public duties and to take steps to resolve any conflicts arising in a way that protects the public interest.

Leadership : Holders of public office should promote and support these principles by leadership and example.

Here is Barbies tattoo.

What do you think of it

A guy just back from Mexico had the symptoms of the flu so he phoned NHS 24
they asked what he was calling for ''he said I think I have got the swine virus'' the guy at the other end aid ''could you speak up there is crackling on the line''

I was in Granny Gibbs yesterday, there is live music on there every Wednesday afternoon.
There are some good singers and some not so good, there was one of the not so good one's up giving it laldy, in the middle of her song two young policemen came in to the pub........old Bobby shouted ''she's bad but not that bad just give her a warning''.

I was at the bus stop yesterday going into where I go to and there was a queue of about twenty people. A mate of mine came up and said ''that's nice tan you have got there Mick where were you''? ''Mexico''.........I turned round and we were at the front of the queue

I'm sitting here blogging and I can hear Jeremy kyle in the back ground.
can you imagine him in a pub.
''You what, you want lager, are you sure, are you sure, we don't drink lager do we, no we don't, we drink bitter cause were are men, aren't we, ok lager you want lager you get....you can have lager I said you can have lager...........but you can buy it your self I'm not buying it.........are you a poof? are you a poof? right get the lie detector out what?what? you don't want to take it? he doesn't want to take it ladies and gents..........well we all know what that means don't we''.

''Ok,ok, when did you start drinking lager? when your dad left and you were brought up with your mum.........any old excuse, any old excuse there are plenty of us bitter men with no men in our lives I'm a bitter man and there was no dad in my life........what do you mean? how dare you say that makes me a bitter wee bastard?''

I was on the hunt for a receipt this morning and of course it was elusive a wee swearie word here and there then a string of them, nup it wasn't working.The strange thing is when you are looking for one thing you find another and to tell you the truth the receipt can stay where ever the feck it is I don't care........

You see I found a CD that a guy I became friends with, Joe Monaghan, gave me,it was his CD. He has played all over the world and used to play with Christy Moore, he is a great singer and musician and one hell of a guy and I'm as happy as a pig in shite that I found it.

I remember when I first worked for the council I was a maintenance spark in all the sportscenters and swimming pools in Glasgow. We had travel passes for to get us around the city.
One day my apprentice and I were going from The Kelvin Hall to Rutherglen pool on the train the apprentice who had just passed his driving test said
I feckin hate this bit of the job, the travelling.As we approached the doors of the Rutherglen Pool I said this is the bit I hate..the work!

I would hve gladly sat on the bus all day long.

A manager goes into the physio's room to visit a player with an injured knee. The manager says 'I can give you a cortisone injection if you want'. The player replies 'It's ok boss, I've got a BMW

These were taken in Tenerife

I think the Ironing board is down there somewhere!

I was on the vino collapso on holiday now my hands are shakin my back's sore it Annie said it' swine fever.

I am quite happy with myself.I got an e mail from someone whom I met in Tenerife who's family come from Achill Island, where my dad came from.
As some of you know I am quite into my family tree and I have a lot of information on Achill.
So after three hours I got her tree back to 1841 and there is a possibility of a connection between us albeit distant.
........never even went for a drink........ some buzz

Well I caught this little piece of modern art form the other night My Life As An Animal.........
Some one goes in a field with five horses and follows them about and when feed time comes they have to push in and get some food and eat it without using their hands. Then at night the must sleep standing up.

Now who the feck came up with this idea, who let him put the idea up, who listened to it and who in the name of the wee man accepted it and paid money for it.

If you want to know how it feels to be a horse try galloping along the street holding pretend reins frequently slapping your arse singing she wore she wore, she wore a yellow ribbon.

I remember once I was in the pub when my sister Carol and her man Peter came in. A couple of the guys who were going to work on the oil rigs that night got up and gave them a seat. One of they guy's, Kelso, left his bag under Carols seat.
Later on when Kelso was leaving he said to Carol gonny give me ma holdall Peter was ready to hit him, he thought he said gonny give me ma hole doll

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
Shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
Secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe
Box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
Day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would
not Recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
Shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
Totaling £100,000
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
Said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Did you here about the Chinese guy that came home drunk at night his wife said your dogs in the diner.

I remebered this story which I think is funny. Neil Armstrong was being interviwed on a chat show and he said the first words I said were "Over to you, Mrs Gretsky." and he said ''the reason for this was when I was younger I used to live beside an old couple called the Gretskys. They always argued about sex, and his wife said to him: "The only time you'll get oral is when man walks on the Moon." so that's why I said it's over to you Mrs Grestsky

I went out yesterday about three and headed into where I go to. I bumped into big Gus, a pal of mine who makes stain glass windows. It had been a while since we had met so we were chewing the fat over everything old pals,politics, funny stories we had a great time till I looked at my watch
nine o clock OFFS, Annie will go mental.

When I got home I was about to make my excuses, don't tell me, don't tell me, oh feck i'm in trouble I thought. ''I seen you taking to Big Gus and the two of you heading for Stumps I knew you would be late there is a salad in the fridge.

Sometimes it's good when your wife can read our mind

I have been messing about here to long to day dowloading my holiday pics on to mt lappy.
So shower shave and oot and find out what is going on in Particko

I noticed that the Papa de Papa of Wonder Bra's Michelle Mone has stopped her donations to the Peoples Party she, said that the party was on it's knee's.
Well Michelle it is when the diddies that run the party are almost on the floor they need someone with your expertise to uplift them.

Well What did you see?

A pal of mine was in deep trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was not a happy bunny.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a state of the art gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 60 in less than 5 seconds."

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new set of digital bathroom scales.

- --- -.. .- -.-- / .. ... / ... .- -- -- ..- . .-.. / -- --- .-. ... . ... / -... .. .-. - .... -.. .- -.-- / -- ..- ... - / -.. .- ... .... / -.. --- - / - --- / --. ---

The giraffe, Giraffa camelopardalis is an African even-toed ungulate mammal.* Not to be mixed up with the Great Northeastern Ship Builder
Cammellairdalis.
Is the tallest of all land-living animal species, and the largest ruminant. It is covered in large, irregular patches of yellow to black fur separated by white, off-white, or dark yellowish brown background. The average mass is 1,191 kilograms (2,630 lb) while the average mass for an employee of Cammellairdalis is 828 kilograms (1,830 lb).[3][4] It is approximately 4.3 metres (14 ft) to 5.2 metres (17 ft) tall, although the smallest male recorded stood at only one meter from the ground to the top of its head *it was dead.

The giraffe is related to deer and cattle, but is placed in a separate family, the Giraffidae*
Which reminds me of a young Billy Connolly when he done animal impersonations he said Giraffidae........elephants I don't.

This group consists of only two, the giraffe and its closest relative, the okapi.
So that information should keep your mind okapied for a while.

The species name camelopardalis (camelopard) is derived from its early Roman name, where it was described as having characteristics of both a camel and a leopard. It is Known in the America as
The Spotted Cigarette.
The Afrikaans language used the Arabic word zurumpha,
When the natives seen one they would shout zarumpha, zarumpha stick it up your jumpa. This was noted by the producers of te On The Road To movies.
In English from the 16th century onwards they used the Italianate form giraffa.
This came when the camelloparadis stood on an Italians foot he would shout giraffamafootaybigbasta.

If you have found this useful you re as mad as me.

A bloke goes to see his farmer friend and sees a pig walking along with a wooden leg. "Why has your pig got a wooden leg?" he asks. The farmer says: "That pig is a great pig; it got five As at A-level, it can count, and it's my children's best friend." "Yes, but why does it have a wooden leg?" asks the bloke. "He saved my wife and kids in a fire, and he's the best pig we've ever had," answers the farmer. "But you haven't answered my question," says the bloke. "Are you stupid?" said the farmer."You wouldn't eat a pig like that all at once."

We went up to mums today Annie and mum my two favourite women in the world get on like a house on fire.
Yes I'm lucky but they gang up on me .......if mum says something to my detriment Annie agrees and the same when Annie says something bad about me
mum agrees with her.
Now how can they dream up bad things to say about me...................... I was an alter boy...................?

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

No word in the English dictionary rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no-one knows why.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

A pack-a-day smoker will on average lose 2 teeth, every 10 years.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

Give us your budgie shit! You know it makes nonsense

Stare at this for twenty seconds if you see a giraffe you need to cut back on the drink.

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bldy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your ae sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

I remember Stephen Fry being asked when were you aware that you were gay.
his reply was ''when I was born I remember thinking I'm never ever going into one of them again''

We all know that all politicians would love a knighthood more than anything.
So why not let them know that if they do the honourable thing and jump off the Clock Tower they will be given a posthumous knighthood, nice things will be said of them and there expenses forms will be kept secret for evermore.

That Skype is something else.I have been on it now for about four months.
Having family and friends in Australia it is a great help and comfort.
But it doesn't stop the girls yaking and taking over after the initial how are you, how are things how was the holiday it was shoes,shops,diets
and soaps.
Nae fitba racing or bevy.
Well with Annie, Linda, Nicola Kate and Rhiannon
little wonder

Last night a young guy in the pub was boasting that he and his girl friend done it doggy style for forty minutes!

Old Billy said ''you do realise that is only four minutes human time''

This 7ft bloke goes to his local swimming pool for a job as a lifeguard. First thing they ask him is: "Can you swim?" ''no but I can wade out pretty far.

An old lady in her eighties wants to spice up her sex life with her husband. She buys a bag of sex toys and crotchless knickers. Back home she spreads herself out on the bed and says to her man, "You want some of this?" her man replied "Not if that's what it's done to your feckin knickers."

I got this idea from Trintrins last post.

If you had to give a name to each of your diddies what would you call them.

In 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Telescope, to facilitate the viewing of the dark places in our universe. So...

1. Do you believe in Life On Other Planets?

Oh yes!

2. If you met an ET, how would you feel?
The better looking of the two

3. Do you believe that Mankind belongs among the stars?
No that's for footballers wives.

4. Do you think we will colonise another planet in your lifetime?
Yes, the one Gordon Browns on

5. Would you be prepared to accept the challenge of being a colonist on another planet, with all the possible hardships involved?

NO, I have got Asthma!

I just had a memory flash of when my mate and I went hosteling we were about fourteen and the great adventure took us to Rowardenan on Loch Lomond, about twenty miles from Glasgow.

Off we went with our knapsacks on our backs,ten number six each and one pound ten shillings in our pockets.

Anyway the thing that made me laugh was instead of buying milk for our tea we bought a tube of carnation milk, one morning I was making the tea and was just putting the ''milk'' in when a Frenchman tapped me on the shoulder I turned round to see a look of bewilderment that I have never seen the likes of again and he said''toothpaste'' you could almost see the big question mark above his head..........

I should have told him we were having mint tea.

George Bush makes a speech at a meeting of the Olympics Committee. With great self-importance, he begins: "Oh", then pauses, and says "Oh" again. After another dramatic pause he delivers a third "Oh". His speech writer taps him on the shoulder and says: "You're reading out the Olympic insignia, the speech starts down there."

I'm off out to celebrate St George's Day................well!

At the school this morning the teacher asked a young boy of six to tell the class about the legend of Saint George.

The boy told the legend and the teacher said he had done very well but he was over the top a wee bit ''well that's the way my dad told it to me miss'' said the boy.
The teacher said to the boy '' well you tell your dad,St George wasn't captain of England,it wasn't a big giant pit bull and he never set about it with a cleaver and a hammer''

I was in a Spanish bar having a beer and eating some tapas, a rice and meat concoction, when one of my friends from Manchester was walking by, I gave him a shout and he came in,''feckin hell Mick what the hell are ye doing in one of these there em Spanish pubs, what the ell is that,yellow rice, feckin yellow rice, rice i'nt yellow is white or brown but it ain't feckin yellow unless is chinky rice then it would be yellow''.

I said ''try some Eddie'' ''no feckin danger, I'm from Manchester me,me I'm from Manchester not Madrid''. ''Are you wanting a drink then''aye I'll have a Boddies'' ''what no feckin Boddies, yellow rice, no feckin Boddies feck this I'm off to The Devon Arms.

Just as well it weren't them there erm bulls ballocks.

One of the things I noticed on my stay in tenerife is that in the morning when I went out for bread I would meet the local Canarians who stayed in the complex and I would greet them with ''bonas dias amigo'' an they would return my greeting with ''good morning my friend''.
Now maybe I should try this out on my next visit to Laandan
'' mownin, aawight owzit goin'' to be greeted with ''aye nobad ya bam, an you''
No somehow I don't think so

Well that's us home 8c yes 8 feckin c not 10 not 12 not 14 not 16 and not 20+ yes EIGHT and if there is one feckin thing worse than that
(no not seven, smart arse) it is eight weeks of fekin junk mail I needed a shovel to get in the door.

Rant over!

Well that's the eight weeks almost at an end.I have had a great time met friends old and new and of course The London Pirates, Queen Mab Ships Old Nick and the lovely Sara.
I will miss the sun, the morning swims in the ocean, not to mention the lovely sea food on the bright side no more factor six some days when I was going out my face was like a cream cake.
We are due back in September but now it's Partick blogging posting commenting...oh and drinking

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Biting into an apple and finding half a worm!

Freak a pensioner out, by running up to them with binoculars in your hand, just after they have finished using a cash point and say, "Sorry, was that last number a 5 or a 6?"

I noticed in the local paper over here that an illegal African immigrant was claiming asylum as he was an albino and in his country albino's were hunted down and killed for their body parts as they are deemed lucky by the witch doctors and sold off to the highest bidder.

I was out on the town last night. First stop was the Market Tavern i met my friends from Nottingham there was a comedian from Glasgow on, Billy Porter.
I had seen him a few times in Glasgow and he was on top form last night very very funny although I had to translate for my friends.
Then on to the Claddagh we got there just in time for the Irish dancers there were three of them who are part of a ''River Dance´´ show.
They were followed buy a Norweigian guy who done a Louis Armstrong set , not normally my cup of tea but really enjoyed it.
Then Gerry the owner ended the night with an Irish set.
We got home about half three and had a wee nightcap on the balcony then I ended up in the recovery position.
Great night

For some strange reason I just remembered when I was young I used to whistle all the time. People used to say they could hear me before they could see me.
My mum used to call me Tweetling Boaby no wonder I have big red cheeks, my favourite was the tune to Scotsport, Dadaradada dadaradada dadaradadadada. Now I'm just an old asthmatic wheeze bag.
Dadadaradadadada Dadadaradadadada Dadadaradadadada Darararadadaradadara

A little boy turns up late for school. The teacher turns to the little boy and shouts
"Why are you late?"
"Oh, Miss.." he says "Me dad got burnt this morning!"
Feeling a bit embarrassed she asks, "Oh, I hope it wasn't too bad."
"Oh, Miss. They don't fuck about at the Crematorium!!!"

I went on heavy drinkos Wednesday,Thursday and Friday due to birthday celebrations so I was on sick leave at the wekend and missed The London Pirates.
Sorry guys

There was big explosion at a pie factory,
3.14759265 dead

A teacher asked her class what Churchill was famous for.
Little billy said ''was he the last white guy called Winston''

Well the plan was to have a good day and get blootered it was that good I can't remember a thing.The problem is Annie can.................

Thanks for the nice comments guys

Imagine if major retailers all made their own condoms and kept their slogan;
Tesco condoms......every little helps
Nike condoms.......just do it
Peugout condoms..........the ride of your life
KFC condoms.............finger licking good
Everready condoms.................keep going and going and going
Pringles condoms..............once you pop you can't stop
Burger King condoms..............home of the whopper
Andrex condoms................soft, strong and very long
Polo condoms...............the one with the hole
Woolworths condoms.............Erm it's gone and burst

Yes folks it's my birthday once again and I am another day older but not too much deeper in debt. Thanks to my friends for the good wishes.
For the last fourteen years or so I have mixed emotions as my dads birthday was the same day as mine and we used to go for a wee bevy so I now pour two wee haufs and drink them both.
Anyway the plans are to go out with Annie and and have a nice meal this afternoon and go out on the bevy to night and hopefully at some point meet up with ''The London Pirates''
The main celebration is to morrow , it is my mate Alan's birthday and there is about eight of us plan to go up the mountains to a place called Los Mochas, a Canarian eatery to celebrate both our birthdays.

Life's been good to me so far, so thanks for having me mum!

I called the Italian Embassy today to offer my wife's assistance after the earthquake.
She's great at finding faults.

Women and shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when
her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her
husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last
shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well
you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round
the clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

The flu season is about to come
To avoid it

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system..

Walk for at least an hour a day,

Go for a swim,

Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......

I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Flu germs Can't get you!

As

Grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the arse!'

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much

A guy walked into a sperm bank with a balaclava over is head and a shot gun
in his hand and said ''open the safe''

The person behind the counter said ''there is no money, just sperm''
''Just do as I say'' so she opened the safe He said ''open a jar and eat it''
So she done it ''did you swallow it'' he said ''yes'' she said ''every drop''
He took off the balaclava and she was surprised to see it was her boyfriend
he said ''I told you it was safe to swallow''

I was chatting to my mate, who works for a debt management firm.
I mentioned to him that he seemed to be putting on quite a bit of weight.
He said "I am not fat'' I have simply consolidated all my excess weight into one place thus making it easier to manage."

I met up with the London Pirates yesterday we spoke for about an hour on the beach then met up later for a drink salt of the earth they were, even Nick but me thinks he was being on his best behavior as his daughter Sara (little angel she was) was there but there was a wee glint in his eye that said to me if she was not there things could be slightly different.........Anyway as I said really nice people.

Well i know they are here and they are not far away so my head is nearly falling off looking forthe London Pirates ( Queen Mab, Ships and Old Nick)
Hope to meet up soon.

I broke my record for continuous love making last weekend, one hour two minutes.
Then I remembered the clocks went forward.

I said to my Doctor, " I think I've become a can of deodorant."

He said, "Are you Sure?"

On this holiday I have noticed that there are even more Looki Looki boys on the island.

This is because when the illegal´s from West Africa are caught if they are under eighteen they are aloud to stay.

I was told by one of them that I have got to know over the years, that because there are so many of them now, the ´´Fagans´´ that run the ´´Lookies´´ Have cut their money ............market forces alive and kicking in Tenerife, Adam Smith has a lot to answer for!

Jaqui Smiths husband,Richard Timney is to apeear on the new BBC program
Celebrities Cum Dancinng

> Duties of Wives!
>
>
> Three
> men were sitting together bragging about how they had
> Given their new wives duties.
>
> Terry had married a woman from America , and
> bragged that he
> had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and
> housework.
> He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he
> came
> home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and
> put away.
>
> Jimmie had married a woman from Canada . He
> bragged that he had
> given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
> dishes, and
> the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't
> see any results, but
> The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
> clean, the
> dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the
> table.
>
> The third man had married a Scottish girl.
> He boasted that he told her
> that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
> washed,
> laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows
> cleaned
> and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
> first day he
> didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
> anything, but by the
> third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could
> see a little
> out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to
> eat, load the
> dishwasher, and call a handyman

It is my birthday next week and yesterday i got an early present from Annie,a Prila One Iron. I have been after one of these driving irons for about a year.
What is different about this club is it has a rubber shaft instead of iron or graphite in it adds extra yardage to your drive. I tried it out on the driving range and was hitting the ball over threehundred yards.

They can be purchased from

Persimmon Irons,Southhampton Hampshire, SH 1 TE