nultygoestopartick

I feel really sorry for Jacqui Smith, she worked long and hard to get where she is and it seams her her husband has just tossed it all away.

I am just getting over a sore throat and bad cough as most of you know I have trouble wit my lungs so any sign of a infection I have to watch out.
I think it was caused in the pub before and after the funeral.
I was keeping an eye on Holly the woman who dieds boyfriend ´he was like a volcano ready to explode so I stood beside him most of the time.The thing was, he smoked like a feckin chimmney and he was stood at the back of the pub, between him and the others smoking it was like a scene from Macbeth.
The smoking rules are mad out here.....if the pub is small there are no rules if the pub is a certain meterage there is no smoking but in my view the small bubs need it more as there is no air flow.
anyway thats that.

The weather has been cloudy for the last few days so no swimming just bevy. It is supposed to pick up at the weekend so we will see.

Hope to see the London Pirates out here in the next week.......yes you too Nick.

My Grandad used to put a spoonful of gunpowder into his tea every morning. He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of 97.

He left a widow, two children, 14 grandchildren and a 50 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A blonde, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes, a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and a chicken who had just crossed the road walk into a bar. The barman says: "You must be feckin joking"

Did you hear about the guy that went bobsleighing.

He killed 25 guys called Robert

I was out walking in Cristianos looking for a pair of thongs, no not scanty knickers flip flops----------anyway you´ll never guess what I seen ..........a bicycle repair kit yess the exact same type of thing I had over fifty years ago. It wust have been the perfect design if the have not changed it in all that time..........or maybe its just an old one.

Can you think of anything else that has stood the test of time so long?

A man starts a job at the zoo. The first morning he is told to look after bees in the tropical house which he does and by next morning they are all dead. He goes to see the head keeper, the head keeper says “right, mash the bees and feed them to the tropical fish”, he does so and when he comes in the next morning all the fish are dead, so it’s off to see the head keeper again.. “Oh dear” the head keeper says, “these things happen, take the rest of the bees and the dead tropical fish and feed them to the chimpanzees”, he does so and the next morning all the chimpanzees are dead….. Off to see the head keeper yet again and he tells him “right, take the chimpanzees, the bees and tropical fish and throw the lot to the lion’s”….
As he is doing this one of the lion’s says to the other “It must be Friday”
“Why do you say that?” asks his mate
“Look what’s for dinner” he says with delight “Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees

last night we werein the pub all talking aboutholly the woman who died it was all getting a bit morbid so i stood up and said give me aa title or a word and I will tell a joke about it.
Every thing was going well I was dong fine ten topics ten jokes then someone said death....I thought ''oh fuck watch your step Nults''

Then I remembered this little beauty

Did you hear about the little canibal boy? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he was eight before he was seven.

Went down a treat

Sadly one of the residents at our complex passed away this morning. Holly, originally from London had been suffering from cancer for the last year and had had a really tough time in the last two months. She had been in the hospital but decided to come home for the last three weeks.

This is when the British machine fired into action twenty four hour cover by her friends and neighbours, Londoners, Southerners, Northerners, Welsh Scots and Irish, all taking their turn to sit with her feed her and give her comfort.

It really does make you proud when you see this type of action kicking in,
yes it's still there........well done guys, well done everyone of you and RIP Holly.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Have you heard about the guy who held a bus load of Japanese tourists hostage?

The police have 5,341 pictures of him.

Well my Manchester friends went home yesterday so we might have a couple of days off the booze.........then again.

After I picked my horses, checked my e mails and posted on here I went for a swim in the ocean.
I swam along to the half way point of the beach where the water feature is. I stopped and looked up to see if the Claddagh was open yet as I was looking up a big giant wave hit me on the back I stumbled clammering for my footing as I was doing this I felt my kegs around my ankles half swimming half trying to pull my kegs up I got to my feet only for the wave to hit me on its return outwards.....cool I was not!

When I finally got to the Claddagh, Damon the barman said ''were you in for a swim'' yes I replied he said ''about half an hour ago a big wave from the ferry and hit some arsole, he went flying and his kegs fell down I was pissing my self''

''Oh that must have been funny, pint of lager please...................

I have just seen on the news Jonathan Ross was caught pinching a kitghen utensil out of a west end store yesteday.
He said it was worth the whisk.

Keep smilin.

As we all know mothers day is the day that all our mums get pampered and rightly so.
I read in one of the local rags out here in tenerife that mothers day was nothing to do with mothers, in the Victorian times the people in service in the big town houses were let off work to go back to their local parish before Easter ........
The mother was mother church not their maternal mother.
So now you know.

At the Paddies Day celebrations here in Tenerife I was dancing so much that yesterday morning my ankles were killing me.
I was in that much pain that Anie went to the spanish chemist to get me pain killers, big feckers they were 800mg so I took two of them.

I think they are giving me side effects.
I am now walking like a crab.

Listen girls take a tip from yer old da..........forget diets if you want to lose weight ............get filleted.

Yes get your bones out you will lose half your body weght and you will look much more relaxed.

Nulty said relax.

A wee boy shouts to his mum from the garden ''mum mum I need your help'' mum replied ''I'm up the stairs making the bed, you come up here'' ''no no you will hit me'' '' no I won't come up the stairs and tell me all about it'' ''ok then''
So the wee boy goes up the stairs ''what is it son what can mummy do for you'' I stood in dog shit mum and it's all over the stairs now''

One of my friends from Manchester had someone else book his flight ticket for him to flyy out here with Excell they spelt his name wrong Codd with one d instead of two.
It was picked up at the airport .............cost £120
At least Dick Turpin wore a mask

Oh my heid. Nae swimming as predicted. Great day. Will post tomorrow When I work out what happend.

Times are hard so if you want a personalised number plate ..change your name by deed pole to the number on your cars regy.

All you single guys out there save money on laundry bills give your shirts to Ofam on Friday and buy them all back on saturday for two quid.Also buy your tee shirts a size too small and when you put it on the wrinkles come out.

Must dash ...................have a nice black soup day!

It is getting really warm now I went for a swim this morning at half eight and it was 23c.
while I was swimming a series of big waves came in and knocked me flying when I looked around it wasn't only me, there were small sardines flying through the air.

Being a good boy to day as to morrow is black soup day AKA Paddysday I don't think I will be swimming at half eight on Wednesday morning.

The last day and only one winner Kato Star I only had twenty on it I was going to fire in but decided to keep what I had won.

All in all I had a great week and won a right few bob.
Thanks for the good luck wishes.

Now back to that holiday.

I had an even better day yesterday I backed two 33/1 shots each way and had a forcast with one that paid £206.
I ended up about £600 to the good and one very very sore napper.
The last day today but I am keeping my heid screwed on the are not getting it back.
Over the week I am up about nine hudred.
If I were in the UK I would buy you all a bevy chink,chink

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.

I was just thiking about the last time I went to the hospital and I remembered a funny thing that happend.

When I went into the waighting room it was packed and you could hear a pin drop. I sat down beside this woman and about a minute after I sat down the woman took off her jacket and cardigan and I said
''My after shave has that effect on most women''
about four people started laughing then one by one they all joined in, it was that mad contagous giggling laughter. Porters, nurses and doctors were giving us all strange looks.
It was one of those crazy moments that if you could sell it you would make a fortune.
Ever had a similar situation?

Isn't it strange that your nose can run and your feet can smell?

There is a Colima on it's way it is basically the tail end of a sand storm, hot and humid from West Africa so I will have to watch my self it generally blows it self out in two or three days.

I had a very good day to day I backed tree winners and i am over 200 sovies to the good so I think annie might get the shoes she seen the otherday.
two days left surely I wont blow it now!

Me at Cheltenham on new years day.

Day one at Chelters turnedout not to bad had the first winner and the last I ended up about fifty in front but by god it is hard work drinking all that booze!
On wards and upwards, wish me luck.

Something in one of the local papers out here caught my eye the other day.
Handbags are one of the main carriers of germs and diseases.
I thought it was a wind up but no, it explains that women put them down on the floor,on the street and in the loo then put them on tables that they and others will eat off and they also carry them into hospital wards when visiting

It may well be that hand bags will be banned in hospitals?

Now how is Annie going to sneak me in a half bottle if end up in hospital again............thinking cap on.

A good way of saving money in these hard times. You don't need a shredder just put your bank statements and bills in a poly bag then put some dog shit on the top ............ It will save you about thirty quid.

Happy birthday Nick

Well you do go to Embra a lot

Oh what a day yesterday was I went to the Claddagh at half twelve to tell Gerry the ownerhow to get the football from his pc to the telly, he bought me pint, the next thing its five o,clock and
A guy started playing dadararara dadararara on the geeeeetaaaar next thing I,m making up the words and singing them. I got home about seven and was sleeping for half past......annie was not amused

Boys are Better Than Girls
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I was up singing in a bar the other night and I found something out so I will give all you guys out there a wee tip don't serenade her with
TO ALL THE GIRLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE
For some reason they don't seem to like it..........................stop hitting me Annie it's only a song

I am having a day off the devils blood been hitting it a bit lately I went for a swim in the ocean to day
So to night the plan is i'll make a curry and watch a DVD.
or I could go out for a drink no no no no get back satan.

Yesterday was one of those days when you meet people, who know people you know but you don't know.

Fist we were in a pub and a guy with a Glasgow accent asked me where abouts I came from one thing led to another it transpired that he was born in Partick and we had a lot of friends in common.
The next one was a nice surprise for me I met a woman from Achill Island
who knew a lot of my relations who came from there and those who still stay there.

As some of you know I have spent a lot of time tracing my family tree well this woman,Bernie, has offered to help me on my search. So all in all it was a good day...oh and we had one or two drinks along the way.

Funny how you can bump into people.

Everything is going great out here the weather is just right for me around 24c.
Only one problem I banged my knee of the arm rest of the plane and I have a bit of pain.......I think it might be an airline fracture

Keep smilin.

I had my first heavy drinKing session last night and I am posting with one eye and still seeing double but there is a bar next door that repairs your eye sight and gets rid of yor sore heid for the bargain price of one Euro per pint.

Must dash this is getting critical nee nawneenawneenaw...........