nultygoestopartick

We came out of a pub and my mate seen two guys get into his car and drive it away he said to a guy ''did you see their faces'' '' no but I got the number'' aggggggggggh

Well thats me here in sunny Tenerife it's 24C and rising.
The secession has taken it's toll on one or two well established places (pubs).

The prices for food and drink are going up, I went in for a portion of chips and he wanted £4.50 I said I want to eat the feckin things not play poker with them.
Keep smilin.

I was out and about Partick yesterday and ended up in the Ettrick We were having a good laugh and one of the guys came in and said that he had been to the hospital on Thursday as he had been pissing blood. He said it was really really sore they put a camera up his manhood.
I wasn't his best pal after I hit him the the one liner ''well at least it didn't have to go that far''

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said,'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'God explained that To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....' Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'After God explained,He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God said ''oh for feck sake''

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.God's patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it Now? Adam said....

'What's a headache?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but froze in his
tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,
he looked all around. In a dark corner,he spotted a bird cage
in thr cage was a parrot.

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked the
parrot''

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief then asked, "Is your name
Jesus?"

"No. It's Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What
idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

With all the Darwinian things on the telly I got to thinking about which animal I'm most like.
A ram, I'm an Aries not a stud
A pig, Annie might agree with that
A hyena, my primary school teacher called me that.
I thought and thought and thought and then it came to me ........a Lion.

Lions are powerful they protect their families from all predators they are feared by all and they are the kings of the jungle.

You may think ''he's not like that'' and you would be right but.......

A lion wakens up in the morning and starts roaring,his female goes out and gets him something to eat while he scratches his arse as he strolls about the den. Once he gets something to eat he has a wee roar then goes to the watering hole for a drink. He comes back three hours later, roars a few times then goes for a kip. When he wakes up he roars at the kids eats what is left of the zebra roars then goes back down to the watering hole impresses a few females goes home does quite a bit of roaring and then falls asleep.

Lional McNulty got a good ring to it.

What animal are you most like?.

I went to an 80s themed party in Glasgow City Center last night.
It started off great but by eleven o'clock we'd caught AIDS,lost our jobs and when we were going home the all the buses and trains were on strike.

I have been asked to show this message on my blog
Please pass the word about.

Identifying A Stroke.

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. It is sunny out today)

R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other,that is also an indication of a stroke.

I have not been on for a while I've been getting things done for my stay in Tenerife, money, hairdo, nails, toenails,waxing at Waximajacksies, new clothes....yes, boys n girls, I'm in touch with my feminine side.

I'm off next Tuesday for eight weeks, yes eight, so I won't be posting or commenting as much as normal, probably two or three times a week.
Good luck with the Bloscars.
NGTP

I noticed the role of 'Domestic Violence Co-ordinator' advertised on a job website today. Surely this type of thing should be stopped, not choreographed?

A tip for the boys on Valentines Day
When you are serenading her don't sing To all the girls I've loved before.
Trust me on this one!

I remember about ten years ago I had thought about what to get Annie as a Valentines Day pressy.
I obviously got her a nice card and I took her out for a nice meal at the end of the night I gave her a small ring box.

When I gave her it she started crying and said I shouldn't have bothered, because she new how much I loved her. When she opened the box her mood changed somewhat, in the ring box was an old Rollo.
The last words I heard that night before going to sleep was ''tight fisted bastard.''
My joke cost me big time as I had to replace the Rollo with a nice diamond ring.
We still laugh about it to this day.

I was in the bookies yesterday and I was next to a roarer.....A roarer is a punter who attempts to tell a dog or a horse how to run it's race via satellite.
It was a dog, i kind of knew what i was infor when he turned to the whole bookies and shouted ''trap five is a fuckin stick on''
Come on the five dog,get the lead, yes go on, go on the five dog yes yes, what did I tell you, go on go on, how the fuck did that get beat'' he threw his ticket at the screen and walked out the door.
Maybe it never heard him.

There was anelectrician who was carrying out safety checks sacked from the U.S. prison service for failing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

There was a thing on the telly last night about big families. The common link was that the families involved were deeply religious.Baptists Evangelists Catholics and Muslims. There answer to the cost of running the families were is god's will and god will provide.

The winner was a sixty year old one legged Muslim who had eighty four children to nine different wives, how he lost his leg, I don't know He is allowed four wives at any one time, when they no longer produce children they get divorced and he replaces them with a new one.
He gets his nazums twice in the morning twice in the afternoon and four times a night and he has a telly in the bed room, for the porn, no doubt!
It is ambition to father 100 children his four wives smiled and that is all they said.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A couple are are reading head stones at a cemetery. The wife said 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

the husband said 'Whats his name?'

'Miles from London !'

Boys are Better Than Girls

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

You've got to hand it to Fabio Capello.

He does a great impression of Steve Mclaren

I'm just watching a guy getting his collapsed lung re inflated and I'm squirming as I had it done to me twice, once without anesthetic ooow yuky yuk yuk. Oh I feel weird.
oh there is a drunk man on it now I've been that too.

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.
I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:-

Never share your dope with someone who has the lung capacity of a killer whale.

I just tried one of those new gadgets for taking off the hard skin on your feet ''Ped Egg''.
It was very good and well worth the money that annie paid for it.
As my old granny used to say better being light footed than light fingered.

* Alexander Graham Bell applied for his patent on the telephone, on the Valentine's Day, 1876 that day the idea of phone sex had started.

* It wasn't until 1537 that St. Valentine's Day was declared an official holiday. England's King Henry VIII declared February 14th a holiday in 1537 for the first time, it was known then as Saint Humpers Day the couples would meet ad make love on a bridge, hence a hump backed bridge.

* Some people believed that if a woman saw a robin-flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor and if she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a very rich person and if she saw sea gull
she would be shit on from a great hight.

* The Taj Mahal at Agra, India is perhaps the most splendid gift of love. It was built by the Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his beautiful wife, Mumtaz Mahal. Work on the Taj began in 1634 and continued for almost 22 years.it was a phalic symbol and was first known as The Tadgermahal
.
* In England, the Romans, who had taken over the country, had introduced a pagan fertility festival held every February 14. After the Romans left England, Pope Geeusmahole, established St. Valentine's Day as a celebration of love in 496 A.D

A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"
The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot the evil bastard."

Whit the fuck are i tunes is it a sweetie you put in your peeper when it is all red and inflamed and how in the name of god do you shuffle them
fuckin Paul Daniels couldn't shuffle them.

I read Rampages post about family trees and seen that there is a lot of interested people but they don't know where to start.Well I have done it and I will give a few tips for those who wish to get started.

First of all get any information you can from relatives,parents,aunts and uncles.

Get birth certificates and wedding certificates wedding certificates have your grand parents details so place of birth occupation etc.
once you have it back to 1901 it is pretty straight forward as the information will be on the census.

Once you have a couple of generations back it would be worth while joining genes reunited or some other group.You can browse genes reunited without paying don't pay till you see you are getting somewhere.
You can post on the message board, family names you have, who and what you are looking for, area in the country they came from.
Sometimes you can get lucky just googling that information.

ancestry.com and .co.uk are other sites worth trying.
It is really worth doing the buzz you get when you find something out is amazing.

There was a film made of one of my relations James Lynchehaun, Love and Rage
Daniel Craig played him, so I just had to get that DVD. It turns out he was a proper bastard.Google it and check it out.
I now have so much stuff on Achill Island that I help others get started
Mainly Americans it seems three quarters of the Island left in the famine 25% to the Uk 50% to America nearly all of whom went to Cleveland Ohio

Please feel free to contact me.

A guy who was up in court for hitting his mate with an abacus. he said he was defending himself it was a counter attack.

Did you hear about the guy who swam the English Channel in ten hours?
He came back in ten seconds, his braces got caught on the pier

At Partick Primary School the teatcher gives the kids their homework and tells them that they have to write a short story which has a moral to it.......

At home the kids all prepare their story and next day at school the teachers says to Mary, "Can you read out your story to us first please".

Mary all excited and proud of her contribution starts to read... "My mother has 24 chickens and collects one egg from each chicken every morning, She places the eggs in a basket and returns to the house and cooks us fresh boiled eggs every morning, until today she dropped the basket and we couldn't have our breakfast time egg."
The teacher asks, "So what's the moral to your story?" Mary replied with "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket" and teacher says "Very good Mary, Has anyone else got a story with a good moral to it?"

Little Johnny pipes up and shouts "Miss Miss I have one!" "Go on then johnny" She says...

"Well you see, My grandad was in the Argyle's during world war 2, He had a rifle with a bayonet on it, and he always carried 2 bottles of whisky and only one bullet in his rifle!"

One day he downed the 2 bottles of whisky then shot one German with his bullet and stabbed another 19 Germans to death with his bayonet!"
"So what's the moral to your story Johnny?" The teacher reluctantly asked.
"Don't fuck with my grandad when he's been on the whisky

We should all remember this is a good place to be when you are feeling down. There is always support here when you need it. There is always a joke or a funny story when you are down, so come on guys get back to normal.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

* A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

* Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

* How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

* A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

* A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

* Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

* Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

* Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

* Bachelors should pay more taxes, they enjoy a better quality of life.

* Why Government does not allow a Man to Marry 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake

It's snowing here and I have got to go to the hospital so there will be no posts to day as I will probably end up in The Hayburn.
A wee doctory joke before I go

A woman goes to the doctors and said ''every time I sneeze I have a climax''
''are you taking anything for it'' said the doctor
''snuff'' replied the woman

Hello Yanto

My Grandad used to put a spoonful of gunpowder into his tea every morning. He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of 97.

He left a widow, two children, 14 grandchildren and a 50 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

If curiosity is the mother of invention I wonder what the wee curtain twitching woman across the road from me has invented.

Sign on chrch notice board in Glasgow.
For those of you with children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

It's birthday time in Australia so we are attempting to make a video conference call via Glasgow, London and Perth.

The Skype thing is unbelievable it lets us see the kids growing up noticing the wee things that you normally would if they were here,oh and a wee excuse for opening a bottle of bubbly.

A man and wife were at mass one Sunday mornng. the wife leaned over to the husband and said ''Peter I've just done a silent fart and it's stinking what should i do'' Mary if I were you I'd put a new battery in my hearing aid''

I see Clarkson has been up to his old tricks slagging off Gordon Brown one eyed Scottish idiot or words to that effect.

No I don't want him booted off the air, I just want to point out that if he called anyone that in bar in Glasgow or any other pub in the UK he would get a boot in the balls for his trouble and would probably be asked to leave.

It is a coward or a bully, certainly not a man, that has a pop at someone who they know will not reply.

Clarkson is drunk on his own ego.

I'm loaded with the cold I'm on antibiotics, steroids, and nebuliser I got to double up my normal medication and nae bevy apart from a wee hauf in my honey and lemon.

I know there are others worse off than me but sometimes this illness just pisses right off.

Anyway now i have got that out.

A funny story about steroids. The first time I was on them I was in hospital, they gave me the steroids and monitored my lung capacity.I was in a ward with three others, two who had heart attacks and one who was ill whom didn't know what was wrong with.
A side effect of steroids is that you tend to get a large appetite so I was munching away at any thing I could get my hands on including the guy who was ill's food as he didn't have an appetite.
After about four days there were specialists and doctors all round the ill guys bed. I asked the nurse what was wrong she said that they were measuring what he was eating and what was coming out the other end he is eating everything and there is nothing coming out and he is not putting any weight on.
So called the nurse over and told her that I was eating all his food she old the doctors. I thought I was in trouble but to my surprise they all started laughing............they thought they had found a new disease.

The end result was that the steroids worked I go on them when my lung capacity drops below a certain level, they don't like you on them if they can help it.

Divorce

A man in Glasgow calls his son in London the day before
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."

"Oh da, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Manchester and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this," She calls Glasgow immediately, and screams at
her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be in Glasgow tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for our anniversary and they are paying their own fair.

I'm going off ma heid with the political this morning this the last , honest.
Alexi Salmonella the first minister in the SNP run Scottish Parliament has put his foot in it big time.

He has told, nae instructed the Scottish public that they must change their eating habits, in layman's terms he has told them to stop scoffing as many mutton pies, fish suppers, and deep fried Mars Bars , good advise you may say...............? but some think it's a bit rich coming from twenty one stone five foot eight Alexi the Red of Banff and Buchan. Some even say he should be eating his words instead of his thrice weekly chicken tikka masala.

O, wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!

Then buy an old banger

Motorists could be paid a bounty to scrap their ageing car and buy a greener model under plans being considered by Peter Mandelson.

The Business Secretary confirmed he is studying a German scheme that rewards those who agree to trade in their bangers.

German motorists have flocked to the showrooms after their government said it would pay £2,500 towards a new or nearly new car, in exchange for scrapping one that is more than nine years old.
Peter Mandelson is looking into 'green' car replacement plans

Germany expects to hand out £1.5billion to 600,000 buyers, in a measure that will also jump start the ailing car industry.

France has also seen a sales boost after it introduced a bonus of £1,000 last year for people who scrap a car of at least 10 years old and replace it with a green vehicle.

The French government claims the scheme will lift car and van sales by 100,000 in 2009.

In a speech to the CBI last night Lord Mandelson said last week's announcement of guarantees and loans of more than £2.3billion for the UK motor industry would help the shift to more environmentally friendly vehicles.

Lord Turner, Gordon Browns chief adviser on green issues has reported that limits may be placed on the amount of flights people make each year.

I where I can take the greener option I recycle and I commute by bus but if I want to see my family in Australia I'm not swimming it.

If there are limits to be put on anything it should be on the amount of drivel that comes out of former BP employee, Lord Turners mouth.

If this globe trotting former chair of the CBI wants to do something green he should look at the effect on the planet that one of his intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles would have on the planet then act on his findings.

I came across a an article about rabbits and their habits and couldn't help but make a comparison with the youth of to day.

The British rabbit occupies open landscapes such as fields, parks, and gardens, and inhabited areas. Sometimes forming groups of up to 20 individuals.................. Ring any bells?

Social behaviour can be quite flexible, depending on habitat and other local conditions, so that at times the primary social unit is a territorial breeding pair....... That would be nieghbours from hell then?

Most rabbits are territorial, coming together to breed or occasionally to forage in small groups. During territorial disputes rabbits will sometimes box,? using their front limbs......... Sounds familiar

Rabbits are sexually active throughout the year and stamp their feet when frustrated or threatened,

Scent seems to play a predominant role in the communication systems of most rabbits; they possess well-developed glands throughout their body and rub them on fixed objects to convey group identity, sex, age, social and reproductive status, and territory ownership.................... So just like spray paint then

Urineation is also used in chemical communication. So they talk a lot of piss to then.
If trapped by a predator, they engage in quick, twitching movement.

Most rabbits produce many offspring each year, although scarcity of resources may cause this potential to be suppressed..................... No dole money.

Rabbits generally are able to breed at a young age, They can also undergo postpartum estrus, conceiving immediately after a litter has been born.

Mothers are remarkably inattentive to their young and are almost absentee parents, commonly nursing their young only once per day and for just a few minutes. The young grow rapidly, and most are weaned in about a month. Males (bucks) do not assist in rearing the kittens.

I rest my case

I was just talking to a good friend of mine about bad books, wives and being in.

I don't mind getting a hard time when I'm wrong but when I'm not it seems rough justice, but there's nowt you can do about it apart from sticking your tongue out her when her back is turned and she has the cheek to call me childish.

Lately after she has fallen out with me I have been getting pains in my side ankle and head .........I think she has a pin and a voodoo doll and that's cheating. Oh ya bas.........

PLEASE DON'T TELL HER

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I was out yesterday, in the pub we were talking about the snow someone said ''nobody wants six inches of snow'' ''not unless you are a randy snow woman'' was the reply.

Interest rates down to 1%. Savers are complaining it is too low. How come these idiots don't open their mouths when the rate is high, it is for the greater good that the rate is low.

They are predicting even lower, zero, how can they break even at that?

What do you think.

Oh and are the priavte landlords dropping their rents, doubt it.

Dear brothers and sisters in this period of severe weather always remember the this quote from the bible

''Many are called but few are frozen.''

I was at the dentists yesterday it's a long time since someone told ne to open my mouth.

I was in the Hayburn yesterday one of my mates were at the bar, ''howz your luck'' I asked  I'm off the gambling he said. He was quite a heavy gambler,  so I think he is doing the right thing. ''Want a pint'' ''no I'm going to a Gamblers Annonimous meeting'' ''what time are you going at'' '' ''ten to one''.he said.

you couldn't make it up could you.

A large company hired a new Chief Executive Officer to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the firm's headquarters, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall with his hands in his pockets. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make £300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy £1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's a months pay. Now Fuck Off and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy bastard did around here?"
From across the room an employee shouted,''he's the delivery guy from Subway''

I noticed that David Cameron plans to enlist Carol Vorderman to cure our fear of maths.
It might well work but she will never cure us of our fear of Tories.

There is no snow here............Good roof

What is it doing to you on the inside?
Don't have it.

• How much fun are you to live with?
A lot

• How do you think it feels for your loved ones if you are always unsatisfied with your life?

I'm not

• What do you want that you don't have?
A big boil on my nose.
• Is it just a bigger house, a better car, more money?
No an abscess as abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

• How much is enough?
Exactly what i got.
Oh I've got plenty of nothing and feckall's plenty for me.

• Is it just a possession that you want or is it a feeling of never being good enough?
Have ye not been listnin

• What should have happened in your life that didn't?
I have nearly died a more than a few times........honestly I must be a cat
• What is your definition of success?
I been a very very lucky guy

• Are you so busy feeling sorry for yourself and whining about what you don't have, that you haven't asked yourself what is missing? Nup

• If you don't know what you want, how do you know you don't have it? Have you been at the green bottle again.

• How much time do you spend asking yourself how you can use your skills and abilities to create a life that is satisfying?
None I just get on with it.

• How much time do you spend lamenting what you don't have and how you feel put upon? spilt milk and all that Nah not me

Always look on the bright side of life after all that snow that must be the greenhouse effect fucked then!

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 ,Mary Johntsone, the part-time Sunday cleaner, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

It's disappeared, gone, some rotten thieving barsteward has stolen all my snow and all that's left is a dirty big puddle AKA Loch Partick I spent all last night greasing the runners on my sledge now I'll have to turn it into a boat... a wee bit of moggie, grasscutter and wife...cat-amower-anne

The heating is on full blast, the meter is going round like a spinning top but as long as this lasts, to hell with the greenhouse gasses but here's a question for you
What has a swan got in common with the Gas Board

They can both stick their bills up their arses

It seems it was so cold in the central London today members of the House of Lords had to put their hands into their own pockets.

It seems David Beckham's team mates from AC Milan are touching his derriere as a good luck gesture. Will it work........well it certainly has for Justin and Colin.

One snowman said to the other ''can you smell carrots''

Just stay in bed and give the wee lady inside the Satnav a day off. if the council don't do true grit why should you oh and another thing swearing and giving the finger doesn't look nice in the snow. So get a hot water bottle, a flask of coffee, your lappy and head for Blanket Bay.

I was channel hopping last night an came across Paris Hilton's Best British Friend. Jesus Joannie about twelve wannabe's tell Paris how and why she should pick them to be her Best British Friend.

And why would I pick you ..............you would think she was picking a dog from a home. Talk about sicko it was the Apprentice meets Annie,meets Barbie. X factor with out the X, there were lips the size of tyres, mouths like fluorescent tubes, hair as straight as pool cues and tears by the gallon.

I'm not in it for the money or the fame I just want to be your friend and help you and I wouldn't tell the press anything you done wrong, not that you would.
Are these kids mad, are their parents bonkers what are they going to learn from Paris that they couldn't learn in an Amsterdam window...........role model Jesus Christ they would be safer with Gary Gliter!
What next ................Paris Hilton on Ice or has he already been there!

A wee inquisitive boy from Glasgow was in the bath, his mother, who hated men since the boys father left her two days after his birth was standing close by. The wee boy was washing his balls and his willie, said, ''mum are these my brains'' ''not yet son, not yet'' she replied.

I'm off to Tenerife on the 24th of this month and I'm really looking forward to it. It will be good to see all my pals out there, it's like United Nations. there a lot of my mates from Manchester going out for St Paddies Day or black soup day as it is better known.

The only downside to going out there for eight weeks, (I know, I know, how the hell could I do it two weeks is enough for anyone) is the kissy kissy thing every time you see someone. Now don't get me wrong it is a nice greeting, much better than a Glasgow Kiss but you get a one cheek kiss person and a two cheek kiss person and nine times out of ten I end up kissing fresh air or banging my heid aff their nose. the European Parliament should get this standardised you would probably end up wearing toetecors and high viz jackets but until they do, if any of you Canarians are reading this take a leaf from the Freemasons and give us a wee sign. You could stick your tongue out to the preferred side or side to side for both or right out in the middle (but not if Annie's there)

Any suggestions

I just read Subs post, WTF is this Twitter all about.

I have invented my own new communications thingy...........Titter you just talk into your diddy and get things off your chest.