nultygoestopartick

I was really pissed off that there was nothing of any note to celebrate Saint Andrews Day then god bless them i seen this and it made my day.

I might have missed something here, it might have been the politically correct mob, it might have been New Labour, it could even have been the Al Qaeda but who stopped doctors saying..........''say ahh''

It was a cure in it's self..... sore finger, ''say ahh''........
better, no pain!.
Black eye, .............''say ahh''... Norbobs your uncle, no pain
Sprained ankle......... ''say ahh'' better, no pain!

Since the doctor stopped saying ''say ahh'' to me I have went from a healthy, sports playing, clean living youth, well maybe a wee bit exaggeration, to an overweight, fat bellied, gout limping, breathless, asthmatic, blog writing, whisky guzzling wheeze bag.

So please Alan Johnson, if you want to sort out the NHS never mind the waiting times, just get them back into the '' Say Ahh'' mode.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, it's better already

From to day I shall attempt to write a new style of blog with original funny stuff written by my self under the heading Standup Sittingdown. Other stuff may appear in the old style but not under this heading. So here goes, my next post will be the first.

Things are looking up for 2009.

I'm Starting a senior management job with Woolworths on he back of this i got a loan from the bank for a luxury new kitchen fitted by MFI and have just won a booked a holiday at the luxury Taj Mahal Palace hotel in Mumbai.

I read a great wee letter in our local paper The Glasgow Evening Times.

I was sorry to see Robert Kilroy Silk voted off I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.I was kind off hoping that everyone else got voted off and he would have been left on his tod in the jungle.
Mind you he probably got more votes to be booted off the show than he is ever likely to get in any election.

I think that is a wee gem.

We hit the ground running and we gave it a hundred and fifty percent.It has been an amazing journey and I wouldn't have missed for the world and I would like to thank all those who supported us on this wonderful journey we could never have done it without you.

Last night on question time Douglas Alexander was asked what the governments thoughts were on dealing with males approaching prostitutes,
his reply and I kid you not ''we are going to have a LONG HARD LOOK AT IT''.

There is to be a competition to be held in Glasgow by the Home Bakeries Federation of Scotland, to find out who's cakes are the worst.
The Lord Provost of Glasgow said the Council would not be giving their backing to the competition as it is in bad taste.

On hearing that MFI are ready to go to the wall due to the credit crunch David Cameron said he thinks that this new pressure would cause Gordon Brown's Cabinet to collapse.

I read in Palmy's post that MFI are about to collapse after over thirty years. well they lasted longer than my feckin bookcase, 30 minutes that lasted.

I went into Partick the other day, I got off the bus at the stop after Woolworhs, crossed the road an went into The Ettrick.

I was standing at the bar and their were a bout four old guys discussing two of our great politicians of the day, George Osbourne and Peter Mandelson.

One of them said ''I don' care what party they are in I just don't like the look of them and I trust my eye more than their mouths ''

Maybe come election time the candidates should just line up in an ID parade
and say nothing. Then we might have a chance of picking the right person for the job.

I read Queen Mab's post on ''Bags for Life'' I thought that was an arranged marriage bureau in down town Dundee

There was an item on the one show that caught my attention to night it was about annoying sayings.

When you are going on holiday and a work mate says ''Now you remember and enjoy your self''
Oh thank god you reminded me I've been saving up all year for this and I might have forgotten have you got a pen and I'll write it on my head just in case, could you text me everyday just in case I forget.

Another is when you are leaving they company of a friend or family member
And they say ''you take care now'' what do they think I was going to before they said it........... To night I'm not taking care, I'm going throw my self down the first flight of stairs that I see, then I'll get up and jam my finger in the boot of the car, drop the keys down a drain and when I get home I will then phone my mistress while sitting beside my wife on the couch.

What annoys you?

We are all saddened to hear about the closure of Wollies.

I have a wee bit of a dilema. Should I be sad of the fact that by steeling sweeties and biscuits out of Woolies in Partick when I was young could have contributed to it's downfall or should I be happy that after steeling the sweeties I went to the priest and told him three Hail Mary's for fifteen bobs worth of sweeties thats the wonder of Wollies that's the wonder of good old Wollies.

Oh and an other thing it will mess up the bus stops in Partick people either get off the stop before Wollies, The stop at Woolies or the stop after Woolies. Where will the bus stop now?

When Annie and I were on holiday a few weeks ago we were making our way back to the flat and we stooped into a ''foreigners'' bar I think it was French or Dutch anyway there was a female behind who was quite a dish wearing shorts and a swim suit top. Annie said to me ''what nationality do you think she is'' I said she speaks perfect English but she looks French so I think she is half English half French'' Annie said ''no she is French staight through, no half English'' I said ''your wrong'' ''why are you so sure'' Cause she has only shaved under one arm''

I remember years ago my wee mammy liked to get a bottle of hand cream as a treat for her self. She just poured a wee drap on tae the middle of her left hand put the cap back on the bottle and rubbed it in to her lovely soft fingers.Those were the same fingers that made the fire,the beds,washed the clothes made the diner washed out heads hands feet and arses by Christ you couldn't deny her a bottle of hand lotion.

But my god how the world has changed...women's cream jeeso, there's cream for the eyebrows, the eyelids, below the eyes, the side of the eyes the top of the nose the side of he nose, stand up sit down keep moving, under the nose, hair remover, hair hider, bleach, hair lightener and skin darkener. then there is the lips, oh Christ I'll be here all feckin day on the lips, gloss, highlighter lowlighter, glow in he dark, sensual,honey, lemon, strawberry, cherry it's like fuckin Tunes! ''Cream helps you breath more easier''

The chin the neck....... oh my god I nearly for got the anti-wrinkle creams there are more creams for that than the lips. Now I'll let you into a wee secret here ladies, If you have got some wrinkles appearing on your face just get stuck into the three cee's it's not a cream - it's cakes, chocolate, and crisps. You never see a fat woman with wrinkles, just a big baw face and a great big contented smile.

Now after all that cream's been applied,... it's all got to come feckin off again, what with, fecken cream remover, which costs the same price as the stuff that is to come off. You would be cheaper buying a fuckin Persian Cat to lick it aff than buying that.

Infact, it reminds me of arladite it's a twin pack only not sticky and hardener, more an oner and offer type of thing.

Oh,and while I'm at it why do women stick their tongues out when they put on mascara as soon as the brush comes out of the bottle, the female of the species turns into a fuckin cobra, head ridgid and fangs out. I used to think it must be something to do with recieving holy communion , as soon as you seen the priest out the corner of your eye your tongue was out like a stilleto but it can't be that because Jews and Proddies do it too, although I'm not to sure about vegetarians.

So if Alistair Darling wants to get the economy going take the hint, nae VAT on facial cream, cake. chocolate or crisps.

when we were wee and were playing games like hide and seek, kick the can and one man hunt we had many ways of picking who was het. (do the english call it het?)

There was potatoes, get yer spuds out, dicdictation corporation, eanie meanie macaracha I draw a snake right down your back and many more.
No doubt now there would be a random number selector that makes sure no minority group members were left out.

What were your ways of selectionand what were your games?

I have now downloaded the Skype thingy, I now have to get some sort of mike / hearing thing and or a web cam with a mike included and just use my speakers to hear.

Any suggestions or recommendations welcome. I want to get it set up before cwissmiss so that we can see our family in Australia.

Oh and thanks again for the comments on yesterdays post Notbobs comment was ace, cheered me up that did.

Fot the first time ever I made a friends post yesterday which was written wee bit  in the  the self pity style, I wrote it and cut it about four times but I finally posted it with some degree of  tredipation as that is not really my style o post.
I am glad I did post it now as I had lots of nice comments which really did make me feel a wee bit better, for a short time!
sometime after I had posted it and read the comments I got up to make a flask of lemon honey and Bells, aye whisky. As I opened the fridge door the feckin thing fell aff it's hinge,  I grabbed the door but crash, bang,  wallop,.......... milk, orange juice, butter, grapes, malteezers, cheese, lemons, limes and feck knows what else hit the floor and this was all mid cough sore back sore throat sore ribs but I took it all in my stride ........awe fur FEEEEEEEEEEEECK SAAAAAAAAAAAKE............ Annie came running in ''are you all right''
''dae a look all right''..........cough cough cough
After I mended the door (mr fixit) Annie cleaned up.
I offered but she gave me a look and that was all she said. So I went to bed and watched the football, Celtic got beat, cough, cough, cough, tossing and turning all night...............
.So what I want to know is, which one of you  ''friends''  has got the doll and the pin?

The country is in the shit of that there is no doubt.The Tories are saying zilch apart from that the government is wrong.The last time this happened in the eighties the Tories done nothing and look what happened after that.

The Government are trying to swim against the tide, the Tories would rather just hold their breath. (if only they would)

The question is, who is best served to get us out of it?

Oh, and how many of us are without debt, that it apparently is one of the reasons that their is a problem!

Had the government put up vat by 2% business owners all over the land would have been up in arms, it will stifle business, the punters need more to spend this will be the end for thousands of small businesses all over the country.

The news last night 2% off of VAT, over to shopping mall. Female shop owner ''not enough I won't be passing it on'' no but you will pay in 15% on you VAT returns, her verdict no good not enough, the government needs to help small business. Seems to me your helping your self, why don't you just keep the whole 17% ya greedy bitch.

As most of you know I visit Tenerife a couple of times a year and i have a great time when I am there. Unlike these pour souls who pay big money, over 1,000euro, to be shipped from Senegal over 2,000 kilometers to the Canaries, in what is little less than lifeboats.
I have posted on this before, I have seen the look of hopelessness on the faces of some of these young people and I have heard that the bodies of those who die on the boats are just thrown over the side. There is also a large percentage of the boats that don't make it they are simply lost at sea.

There can be up to 80 people on each of the boats,shown in the film.
It is easy to say they shouldn't do it but they are human beings.
There are longer videos to be found on youtube.

I just read a post entitled Does Acupuncture Work. Now I have always had an open mind on these things and if someone can go through an operation or give birth by using this process without an anesthetic then fine.

But for those of you who sure not so sure, may I suggest a bicycle repair kit just in case you are let down by it.

Seven Things About Me

I was an Alter Boy and drank the consecrated wine that the priest didn't drink

Around 1976 I done a fair bit of Streaking and Mooning.

When I was a teenager I broke my leg in two places..............Glasgow and Embra.

When I started my apprenticeship my wages were £5.10 shillings a week and I had a Sunday paper round that made me £10.00 a week.

I am into genealogy and have researched my family tree back to 1750 I help others and share my information.

I have been an active tradeunioist since I started working.

I go racing whenever I can and I am quite a successful punter

An ambitious businessman finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while.

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."

He was confused.

"Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman, "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:
" Fuck me can check my e-mail from here?"

We were in Stumps or Mary's yesterday there were three studenty types at the bar talking about going up to Aviemore.
''Oh, Aviemore I used to go up there when I was younger'' ''oh did you ski''? ''egh, sort of''wee Jimmy looked at me and the look said'' whit the fuck is coming out here''
''Did you sort of ski in Aviemore'' said one of the students ''no egh it was Partick actually, you see son we were to poor for skiing but we would have a go at anything so in the winter along there at Gardner Street, the hill used in the opening of Taggart that looks into the Ettrick, do you know it ''aye, aye'' the three of them said, I looked at Jimmy ,he was shaking his head.
''Well the stank at the top of the hill leaked and in the winter all the piss would freeze up and we would make a slide on it stand up on both legs, bend down one leg up one leg down. we were the best sliders in Scotland because it was the steepest hill, so it was the fastest and we never fell because nobody wants to fall on there arse on a pishy slide. ''
''But that's no skiing'' said one of the students ''I'm no fuckin finished yet'' said I
By this time there were about ten of us in a circle and one or two listening in '' well after a couple of days we got fed up it was too easy
so somebody got a cardboard box opened it up lay on it and done a belly flapper, so that was what we all done that day it was great fun but the down side was that the melted piss splashed up on your face and shoulders
as you were going down the hill''.

I looked up and there were more in the circle, about fifteen and I said
didn't we ''aye we did that, aye, Nulty, we did''.

So the next day they were throwing things out of the hospital, amongst the rubbish were walking sticks and wooden boxes. So we broke the slats aff the boxes tied them on round our shoes got the walking sticks and we were flying down the hill like Franz Clammer. If Eddie the Eagle came fae Partick He would have won gold and that was that was the day Gardner Street turned into Geneva is that right guys aye that's right the roared.
One of the students said to the other two ''he's talking piss''. Well was I..............?

Algebra for Everyday Life

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.

Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that:

1.The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and

2.The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

I watched a tv program this morning about buying houses same old thing same old type of buyers, steady couples with a few bob to spend, well mannered, salt of the earth type.

On the other side was the wee horrible guy that shouts at and bullies the guests on his show eh, whatsname, Jeremy Kyle his guests are always nutters
who fight each other over how many chips they eat or who humps the other ones best pal there are fights and arguments all the time.........

Well why don't they swap shows Jeremy could sort out the problems of the quiet law abiding non drug induced nice people. Which should shut him up a bit and the other two could have the job of relocating the neighbours from hell into a nice country location, it would take the cheesy smile of their faces.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and
sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

We were in Stumps or Mary's yesterday there were three studenty types at the bar talking about going up to Aviemore.
''Oh, Aviemore I used to go up there when I was younger'' ''oh did you ski''? ''egh, sort of''wee Jimmy looked at me and the look said'' whit the fuck is coming out here''
''Did you sort of ski in Aviemore'' said one of the students ''no egh it was Partick actually, you see son we were to poor for skiing but we would have a go at anything so in the winter along there at Gardner Street, the hill used in the opening of Taggart that looks into the Ettrick, do you know it ''aye, aye'' the three of them said, I looked at Jimmy ,he was shaking his head.
''Well the stank at the top of the hill leaked and in the winter all the piss would freeze up and we would make a slide on it stand up on both legs, bend down one leg up one leg down. we were the best sliders in Scotland because it was the steepest hill, so it was the fastest and we never fell because nobody wants to fall on there arse on a pishy slide. ''
''But that's no skiing'' said one of the students ''I'm no fuckin finished yet'' said I
By this time there were about ten of us in a circle and one or two listening in '' well after a couple of days we got fed up it was too easy
so somebody got a cardboard box opened it up lay on it and done a belly flapper, so that was what we all done that day it was great fun but the down side was that the melted piss splashed up on your face and shoulders
as you were going down the hill''.

I looked up and there were more in the circle, about fifteen and I said
didn't we ''aye we did that, aye, Nulty, we did''.

So the next day they were throwing things out of the hospital, amongst the rubbish were walking sticks and wooden boxes. So we broke the slats aff the boxes tied them on round our shoes got the walking sticks and we were flying down the hill like Franz Clammer. If Eddie the Eagle came fae Partick He would have won gold and that was that was the day Gardner Street turned into Geneva is that right guys aye that's right the roared.
One of the students said to the other two ''he's talking piss''. Well was I..............?

Well as you know I have been away for a wee while.Yesterday my mate Jimmy phoned me and said I'll meet you in Mary's I said W.T.F. is Mary's ''och i'll meet you in Stumps and tell you about it''.
The story is
Jimmy works for a builder and any time there is scrap metal the boss says take it round to Mary's. The past couple of weeks the boss has phoned and asked them where they are, they have been in the pub, Stumps, but they say that they are in Mary's so everyone in Partick is calling Stumps Mary's apart from the Boss.
Now my problem is if I go out and come back half cut and say to Annie that I have been in Mary's there will be a lot of explaining to do, so I'm sticking to Stumps.

This just about sums it up and I bet when he goes home he can't log on to his blog.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each
time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in...

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH .....
_,_.___

Like Old nick I'm all blogged out no ideas no inspiration what is required is a teacher to give us a list of composition titles, like they did at school, only more mature topics.
Write a short story beginning with the words.

and I was just about to go when the area manager seen me...

or

So I put it in my bag, walked out the door and the security guard came walking towards me....

or

Well I needed a shit and there was nowhere else to go so I done it right there and then

or you could put them all together

Well I needed a shit and there was nowhere else to go so I done it right there and then and I was just about to go when the area manager seen me So I put it in my bag, walked out the door and the security guard came walking towards me....

My friend Notbob was upset about Eggheads being dropped last night to accommodate news on John Sergeant.

well I don't like Celebrity come Dancing much but Eggheads........aaaaagh
oh naw naw naw. A bigger bunch of pompous arseholes I have never seen ''I wonder if Peter knows the answer to this'' Cheeeeeeeeeeeeese ''oh well I got this on Universe Mastermind the fourth time I won it''....oh naw Eggheads I would get a big fuckin spoon and wallop them over the head with it and then get big giant soldiers and dip it in their big brain filled nappers.

Billy Connolly's life lessons

* Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
* Have lots of long lie-ins.
* Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*cking great.
* Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
* If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
* Don't work out, work in.
* Play the banjo.
* Sleep with somebody you like.
* Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
* Llive in a place you like.
* Marry somebody you like.
* Do a job you like.
* Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the top of your voice.
* Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
* Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it.
* * Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
* Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's brown sauce on them.
* Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
* Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
* If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
* Avoid giving acid to guide dogs.
* Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
* Salute nobody.
* Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. you could take somebodys eye out

John Sergeant the political journalist, driver of lawn mowers and T.V. presenter retired from Celebrity Come Dancing to night.

What a British thing to do, what a gentleman, the plaudits are pouring in, well not from this blogger! I had a tenner on him at 16/1 that's £170 down the swannie feckin old twister. (no pun intended)

Labour MP Paul Flynn is to lose money for slagging off other MP's on His Blog
The blog police are out in force if they don't like what you say they will shut you down, it has started the censorship of blogging has started. We must protest we will have to blog on our laptops in front of the tanks on our local town squares

The Protest Song

You better beware, you better take care
You better watch out if you've a blog to be found
They come from behind, your blog to find
And if they catch you ,you are likely to be fined
They're searching blog uk to see just what you say
The Blogbusters
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahhh

Don't swear in your posts, stop telling jokes
Don't leave comments if you don't like their posts
I don't know what's going on but it's not a blogathon
It's blogbusters
dubydoodoo dubydoodoo dubydedubydedubydedoo
dubydoodoo dubydoodoo dubydedubydedubydedoo
It's Blogbusters
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahhh

They've got their spys they've got their snouts,
And if they catch you they'll through your computer out
Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way
To stop,.............. blogbusters
(We just haven't got a clue what to post)

The Palms are out, The Blackburrys too
But the rest of us just don't know quite what to do
Has anyone got a thought, a solutions being sought
To stop blogbusters
dubydoodoo dubydoodoo dubydedubydedubydedoo
dubydoodoo dubydoodoo dubydedubydedubydedoo
It's Blogbusters
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahhh

Does anybody know the way, did we hear someone say
(We just haven't got a clue what to do)
Does anybody know the way, there's got to be a way
For Blogbusters
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahh
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahh
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahh
Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahh
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster
Buster buster blogbuster

Draft Higher Grade Modern Mathematics Paper 2003
Glasgow Region

Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gangname....................................

1. Shug has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Slasher reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Wee Sllasher wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Stevie and Boozer stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Snake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing in speed. The Snake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

Edinburgh / Borders Region

Name..........................................
Rugby Club..................................
Daddy's Company.........................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

Highlands Region

Name..................................
Glen....................................

1. After Hectors death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish ancestors. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Auchtermuchtie - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

In a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or a politician".

I was saddened to read that Reg Varney died, poor old Reg gave us plenty of laughs and made old Blakie's life hell.
The last laugh he gave me was when I read that He died aged 92, the first time I read it I thought he died on the 92

My Pension is not worth a monkeys,
My pension is no good to me,
My pension is not worth a monkeys,
Oh bring back my pension to me,
Bring back, oh bring back,
Oh bring back my pension
Too me to me,to me
Bring back, oh bring back,
Oh bring back my pension
Too me to me,

George Osbourne said, he seen it coming,
I heard him on the BeeBeeCee
He blamed it on Alistair Darling,
But that is of no good to me, to me,
Bring back, oh bring back,
Oh bring back my pension
Too me to me,to me,
Bring back, oh bring back,
Oh bring back my pension
Too me to me,

Some say it's the global economy,
Some say that it's closer to home,
But the just gets me right feckin angry
And my mouth is beginning to foam,
Bring back, oh bring back,
Oh bring back my pension
Too me to me,to me
Bring back, oh bring back,
Oh bring back my pension
Too me to me,

I was in the Windsor yesterday after the launch and I met up with a couple of the sparks that worked on the ship.
I felt a wee bit sad as a mate of mine who worked on the boat died earlier in the year and his name came up in the conversation,Les Jackson AKA The Commander and Action Jackson and Jacko.
We were not sad for long as Les was one of the funniest wee guys you could meet so there were plenty of stories and Jackoisims to keep us going.

One was that he said his journeyman took him out for a drink when his time was out and he gave him a word of advice about getting a wife, ''son get a wife with a big purse and a tight fanny, that's what my old journeyman told me and I give you the same advice but don't do what I done, I got it wrong I got one with a tight purse and a big....................

Billy and Mary are partners they have been married for over forty years. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Mary dies. Billy doesn’t hear from her for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he goes to a spiritualist meeting and contact is made . Is that you Billy'' '' aye it's me Mary''.
'' What’s it like?” Billy asks. ‘It's great, couldn't be better. I have sex all the time, in the morning, in the afternoon and all night long, nookie in the morning nookie in the evening nookie at supper time. “Oh, my god,” says Billy “i never thought heaven was like that” “Oh no,” says Mary. “I’m not in heaven, no I’m a rabbit in Kelvingrove Park.”

I read in the paper this morning about the lengths people go to to change their looks.

Fair skinned people tan, dark skinned people try to lighten up, curly haired people straighten their hair, straight haired people get perms.
people with big lips want wee lips and people with wee lips want big lips
Women with big diddy's want reductions and women wih wee diddys want implants............. and i said to my self what a wonderful world

Here are a couple of pictures I took yesterday.
There are more pictures of a higher quality taken by a better man than I at
at http://www.upperclydeshipping.com/ and there is also a video of the launch on this blog.

Sunday after church, a Mum asked her teenage daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, *’Don’t be scared, you’ll get your vibrator.’* Needless to say, the Mum was raging and grounded the daughter. Later in the day, the minister stopped by for tea and the Mum asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said, *’Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

This a video of the launch taken from the high flats in Whiteinch which are about 500 meters from my wee hoose.

Watch how the tugs go about their business there is no steering or power in the boat at this time so the tugs are like buffers putting it into position.
Do you know what I had for my tea last night?
Launchingmeat sannies

Well guys I had a good day at the launch yesterday. A couple of things really pleased me.
I met a guy who said that we were in a great place to see the launch he found out about where to view it from the internet, he googled Dragon, Govan and it took him to a blog called Nultygoestopartick, I said I'm feckin Nultygoestopartick. What are the chances of that, eh?.
The other thing was that someone left a comment on my post directing me to his site, it is all about the Clyde Shipyards and it is well worth a look,
it will put my post to shame but who cares, well I do, but I don't if you know what I mean.
This is really worth a look. Nick, you wanted pictures look at this site.

The site is http://www.upperclydeshipping.com/

As I have posted before, the launch of HMS Dragon A type 45 Destroyer is at three o'clock to day. It is my intention to watch the launch from a vantage point on the Partick side of the river directly across from the yard.
I hope it brightens up a wee bit as it is bleak dank dreary horrible winters morning and if it doesn't warm up a wee bit I'll need my hip flask
topped up with the water of life to see me through the occasion.

I was informed yesterday That The Sunday Wail ran a story about Cynthia Roberts, who once worked for the for the Labour party.
It is claimed that Ms Roberts was a spy code named the Hammer.It was also claimed that she provided an intelligence report on David Mellor.
Intelligence and David Mellor in the same sentence without the words no or little is surely an oxymoron

A bereaved widow is at her husband’s funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all those years.”

“Amazing,” said a woman next to her. “How did you do it?”

“I was eight stones heavier than him the skinny wee prick.”

To My Bank

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. When one of my checks was returned marked “insufficient funds,” how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Sincerely, NGTP

I will tell you this boy I will tell you this, Good news from BBC Scotland............. Rab C is back.
They are bringing them all back on the box for a Christmas special.
I will be looking forward to seeing how they have aged. This was one of my all time great programs.
The pub, The Three Ways, is just along the road in Anderston and every other day there are expats having their picture taken outside the pub who have come from all over the world.

I just read in the paper that HMS Dragon one of the type 45 frigates being built for the Navy in Govan Shipyard is being launched at three o clock on Monday, so weather permitting I will be there.
One of my mates is the Maintenance Electrical Foreman and it was he who designed the launch mechanism, some kind of solenoid set up he will be a bag of nerves.

The bow was made in Portsmouth in a bid to share the work load about the country and it was barged up to the Clyde a few months ago.

There is a good view point directly across from the yard at the Glasgow Harbour which is only ten minutes from the house and five minutes from The Hayburn Vaults.

There is an old custom that when you see a launch on the Clyde youv'e got to get pissed.

A coach full of nuns go over a cliff and they all die. They find themselves in a queue outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter suddenly appears and approaches the nun at the head of the queue and says "Sister before I can let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. Have you ever touched a mans penis?"

The nun blushes and admits to having once touched the end of a man's penis with the tip of her finger.

St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending finger into a nearby font of holy water and pass on into Heaven.

St Peter then turns to the next nun in the queue and asks the same question. "Sister before I can allow you into Heaven you must answer one question, have you ever touched a man's penis?"

The nun blushes and admits to having once held a man's penis in the palm of her hand.

St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending hand into the nearby font of holy water and to pass on into Heaven.

At that moment there is a commotion at the back of the queue and a nun is seen sprinting from the back of the queue all the way to the front. St Peter looks perplexed and asks the nun what in heaven's name was she up to?

The nun looks at St Peter guiltily and replies " If I've got to gargle with that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary has to dip her arse in it."

Just heard this on the radio I didn't really like it but it reminded me of A great holiday I had in Newquey Drinkin ''Steam'' and cider and streakin
and met Frankie Millar he was just startin out then I even tried the surfin
but I wis nae good, a belly flapper was all I could manage.

I used to get my meals for nothin in the Royal Hotel, I blagged it into the staff canteen.
Great time, brings a smile tae ma big baw face.

I have noticed over the last year or so that Londoners are starting to use
''whatsername'' quite frequently is it the in word like ''bazaar'' was about five years ago?
Funny how these words become fashionable

Maybe it's because I'm a whatsaname that I love whatsaname taan maybe it's am a whaaatsaname that ahhhhhhh laaav whaaaatsaname taaaaan

Well it's that time gain Post Holiday Hair Cut Time.

 Why is it your hair seems to grow faster on holiday ?
Is it  the sun or maybe its's not the sun, maybe it's the factor twenty or maybe it's the chemical make up of the San Miguel or the Brandy with the Black Bull on it or the Rid Wine or The White Wne or  the Rose Wine, who knows?
Whatever caused it,  it's getting cut................Are you going out to night? oh! somewhere special.   blablablablabla

I read in the Glasgow Evening Times last night, you know the paper my picture and quote ws in on Tuesday, that a man from Greenock was charged with assaulting his wife by pouring wallpaper paste all over her.

Now I know I shouldn't condone it, and I'm not really condoning it but I try to see both sides of the argument in these things or look for mitigating circumstances

 The scenario is like this.
it's they guys first weekend off work for six weeks he is looking forward to going out on the Saturday morning for a couple of pints then go to see his beloved Greenock Morton a couple of pints after the gme then home to an Indian Curry and a night in with the family.

The wife comes in  fom  the shops gallon of emulsion in one hand, six rolls of paper and a bottle of turps in the other''where dae ye think your going'' 
 ''The fitba''
Your going tae nae fitba and nae pints get this room done and when i come back fae the bingo it better be done''
.
Submissive as usual he gets the room ready  and starts to paint. After the painting he has two cans of beer then starts the papering puts on the radio Morton are winning for the first time in six months he happy they are winning but sick he's missed it. He is just finishing the last bit of paper, stretching ,one foot on a chair the other on the mantle piece, she comes in, she sets one foot in the room '' are you not finished yet, that's not straight, you've missed that bit there, on the skirting and there's paint on the window, call your self a man''

Aye I would have thrown the paste over her masell

if you have any PC comments about this post keep them tae yirsell.

I have bad news my next door neighbour has just told me that her Doo Flicker  ( the thing for the telly )is seriously ill,
I never knew Doo Flickers could get this illness but apparently her Doo Flicker fell on the floor and ended up diabetic................. well she asked me if I had any insulin tape so........it follows

What name do you give to your doo Flicker?

Oh it's easy, nae problem, ye just dae this ye just dae that I should have Knowen, i should have knowen Skype what kind of name is that?.
Click here, download click save, download complete nutin, he haw, zilch, feck all, eight feckin times........................................... I'm waiting on Jeremy Beadle coming through the door.
I will tell you this boy, I will tell you this no man, but no man
Skype, i'll skype ye. I'm ready tae stick the heiid on the lappy help but no the night i want some sleep.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhh.

 I was asked  by Palmy to expand on my streaking activities  of around 1974-76.

Well it was all the rage and as a fit young guy of about 21 I wasn't at all shy about my body all the bumps were in the right places and as an ex cross country runner I was never going to get caught., So my kit was more off than on  I have always been a bit of a nutter, some people fought  when they were drunk, we just got pissed and the clothes  were off, from Lands End to John O'Goats, well Newquay to Thurso, near enough..
The time we done it in Newquy was very funny it wasn't actually Newquey it was Bodmin or something anyway we were at a party in this village and we decided to have a dash along the street ,about a hundred yards we done it and an old lady came to her window I will neverforget it she must have told her husband and by the time he got there we would have been gone I can imaginr it there were ten of them all naked ,aye right.
In the pub they were all mumbling, thats them, oh, the're Scottish oh the're quite fit looking bloody national service would sort them out we were talk of the town for a week....I can just imagine one of them saying ''you could take somebodys eye out with one of them''

Another time in Partick I ran in the opposite  direction from the rest of them, with their clothes under my arm it was a laugh...... ''come back ya bastaaaaaaaard'' they were screaming but  streaking in  a town was dangerous ,not only for the police but the  broken glass.

Nowadays some arsehole would want a health and safety assessment done before they streak.
I remember may mother once said'' your feet are always dirty'' fuck only if she knew. what her prideand joy had been upto.
Anyway it was good fun, if I done it now you wouldn't see anythin..................just a big bum.

Well I'm the bloggy bloggy man, who goes into Partick town,
Yes I'm the bloggy bloggy man who never ever wears a frown,
When when a go into Partick,There's a drinkin and a jokin goin' down.
Cause I'm the bloggy bloggy man, who goes into Partick town,

Well sometimes I sit a bloggin, or read an other bloggers post,
Or I can sit there makin comments on the posts I like the most,
But no matter what I'm doin baby I like to make the people laugh,
Cause I'm the bloggy bloggy man, who goes into Partick town,

Well i think about the funnies baby when i'm in my bedroom, lying down,
And I think about the funnies baby when i'm on the bus, going into town
and I think about the funnies baby even when there's somethin sexy goin down
Cause I'm the bloggy bloggy man who goes into Partick Town,

Cause I'm the bloggy bloggy man, yes the bloggy bloggy man,
I'm the man that blogs, that goes into Paaaaaaaartick Town,

I'm looking for help......... I have family in Australia and London i have heard of this Skype thingy anyone tell me how to set it up whats needed ect.

Can you conference on it? it would be great if we could all link up to Aus at Christmas.

I got a call from my sister, ''my lights not working can ye fix it, I tried to fix it my self but it'll no work''.

So I got my tools and went round, thirteen wires, loop feeds, switch wires and god knows what, all disconnected, unmarked, what the feck and me hungover tae.

A can of lager then the situation became clearer ''can ye fix it?'' she said ''thats like asking Picasso tae white wash a wall, of course I can fix it, but the next time sis, get me in first or if you try tae fix it your self, make sure i've not been on the piss the night before.

A man is at a bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When the get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorball, and one says, "Here's your husband we brought him back from the pub!" The man's wife says ,"Where the feck's his wheelchair?

I read a post by Denzel that made me think about sneezing......... isn't it one of the funniest things, you are feeling lousy feeling week and sore then you feel the sensation coming for what seems to be an eternity, Ah ah ah ah, you shut your eyes, you open them you look about ah ah ah ah your getting ready for it, you even hold your hands tight in anticipation, ah ah ah ah you are waving people away your head moves up and down and then walloooooooooooooop most of those around you smile you smile and think by christ that was a cracker............ you are in extacy then someone nods towards your chin and there it is, a big clear snotter, suddenly no one is laughing and the moment has gone, snotters ruin sneezes.

I had better clarify on the Evening Times thing. On Monday when I came out of the Dental Hospital i was making my way down Bucannan Street I was just passing the the Underground when a guy with a clipboard, who looked like a researcher of some ind made his way towards me. I was just about to tell him to feck off when he uttered the magical words ''Evening Times can I ask your opinion on something?'' Feck off, frown. Yes certainly,smile (two faced old git)
The question was '' what was my opinion on the fare on the Underground going up by ten pence?
( hardly ''how do you think the new president will change the forgien and ecconomic policy of the U.S.which, if asked, I whould have answered just as lucidly.)

I replied ''that in my opinion, compaired with  London the cost of our Underground is relatively cheap'' (£1.20 per journey) He took my picture and I headed for the pub. see the post beer festival Tag

I was in the Glasgow Evening Times to night, picture, quote and a big heid.

1 I have never worn jeans
2 I have never driven a car
3 I have never failed a test
4 I have never been to a blog meet
5 I have never been stuck for an answer.

1 I have eaten Kangaroo
2 I have Streaked
3 I have Drank Alter wine (without the priests permission)
4 I have Farted and set a match to it
5 I have Skinny Dipped

When I came out of the Dental Hospital I made for The Counting House a big Wetherspoons in George Square and to my delight I found out that there is a beer festival going on that I didn't know about.

''I'll have a pint of that Belgian stuff'' '' oh no you'll not it's 8% proof and you can only get a half pint'' ''but I've got a note from my mum saying I can'' OK then wise guy'' £1.79 a pint and worth every penny, I manoeuvred round the bar and had another two pints of this devilish concoction.
Then I noticed you can get three thirds of a pint of three different beers for £1.79 so I had Bitter Bitter, The Belgian Stuff and Coffee Porter.

The Coffee Porter was nice I wonder if one bit makes you tiered and the other keeps you awake.

Then I had The Belgian, Stuff Coffee Porter, and Winter Warm now by this time I didn't know if the Winter Warm was warm or it was the Belgian Stuff that was warm but I definitely had a warm glow going on inside me.

So try it out guys

I found out yesterday that there is a beer festival going on in the Uk at the moment, so here is a wee joke for the occasion.

All the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guinness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

I went to the dental hospital in Glasgow yesterday the appointment was made by my dentist to see if I could save my two front teeth, yes Christmas is coming up and thats what I want.
So I waltzed in at 10.15 on the dot showed my appointment card .....go to floor six the sign on the wall at floor six CONSERVATIVE DEPARTMENT I never knew such a place existed in the NHS.

I will have two crowns fitted next month.

I hear Notbob a bloggin, I hear him on the train,
He's been up here in Edinbra, I hope it not in vain,
I hear those fingers blogging, going round and round
I think he will be be blogging all the way to Wooooooooking Town.

He was up here for a blog meet, there was some good things going down,
He even had deep fried Mars bar, with a pirate from London Town,
Yea ah hear those fingers bloggin as those wheels go round and round.
I'll hear those fingers bloggin all the way to Woooooooooking Town.

After my holiday I came back to a back log of of friends posts, messages and god knows what.
Well, that's it all read, glanced at, or just binned, nil nil nil, nice and tidy, ye would think I was a wummin it's that tidy, noo I'll just get a wee cloth and clean the lappy and the table.

Aye well maybe that's taking it a wee bit too far.

I remember when i was about 14 we went to Blankenberg, Belguim on a school trip.
We had a great time there first time abroad, girls ciggys beers all part of the education.

They took us too a battlefield from the first world war that had been left the way it was. I remember thinking it's a shit hole, it's smelly, damp, dank it was worse than a building site in winter........ I was right.

They then took us to a first world war graveyard and I remember the lump in my throat (big fourteen yearolds don't cry) when for as far as my young eyes could see there where lines and lines of white crosses laid in well tended green grass. At first the crosses represent god but years later i realised they represented the lives of many, many, young men.

It was the finest history lesson I ever had in my life, no books, no notes, no homework, just an everlasting memory of how evil war is. That was over forty years ago and every year since, especially around this time I think back to my school trip to Belgium, I will never forget .....

Wilfred Owen - "Dolce et decorum est pro patria mori" - "It is sweet and fitting to die for your country."

DULCE ET DECORUM EST

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.

I read Murphymoles karaoke post and it reminded me of a wee thing that happened on holiday.
Annie and I were in a bar and Annie joined in with the karaoke singer who was singing some song that had very high notes.
Annie (who is a great singer) reached them, the karaoke queen never.

When the song was over the woman who was doing the song commented on Annie's voice asked her to get up and do a couple of songs.

Annie said no but she gave the great reason for not doing karaoke

SHE SINGS WITH HER EYES SHUT

Chris, Wales Carlston, Germanay Jaunny, Spain Nulltygoestopartick, Scotland And Wayne, England

A grumpy, old, half deaf guy from Partick goes to see his doctor.
he walks in an the doctor said ''whats wrong with you?''
The old guy said ''your the feckin doctor you tell me''.

"Well what are the symptons?" said the doctor.

"They're a feckin cartoon family on the feckin telly noo what the feck has that got to do with my health ya feckin arsehole.
."

Chorus
I'm a cat, I'm a cat, I'm a Glesga cat and my name is Sam the Skull
I've got claws in ma paws like a crocodiles jaws and a heid like a fermers bull.
I'm no the kind o' cat that sits oan the mat nor the kind that you gie a hug
I'm the kind o' cat that strangles the rats and even the occasional dug.

V1.
I roam aroon doon in shettlestoon where they a' know me by sight
"Here's the Skull here's the Skull" you can hear them yell as they vanish into the night.
The polis station doon oor way has baurs oan the windae sull
It's no tae keep the prisoners in its tae keep oot Sam the Skull.
Chorus

V2.
Well one fine day no so long ago when they a' had had their full
They sent for the R.S.P.C.A. tae come and catch the Skull
Theres naebody kin get oot while he's roamin aboot chasin' a' the weans up the close,
peein' oan the stairs scratchin' his erse and sittin there pickin' his nose.
Chorus

V2.
Well oot came aboot hauf past ten in their wee blue Escort van
Right roon the back, wan wae a sack and wan wae a mallet in his hand.
I watched them run roon the back o' the hoose and I casually strolled to the van
Jumped in the front, I was off, everything had gone to plan.

V3
Now you'll hear them them say doon Shettlestoon way, "Whatever happened tae Sam the Skull ?"
He had claws in his paws like a crocodiles jaws and a heid like a fermers bull
Well you can tell them from me that I'm still runnin' free And never a day is dull
It might sound absurd but I'm livin wae a burd in a single end in Maryhill.
Chorus.

Wee Mikey was doing very well at his times tables. His mum and dad had tried everything; tutors, flash cards
, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.
 Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Mikey comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Mikey is hard at work.
 His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Mikey brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, Wee Mikey got an A for his times tables. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns or the priests?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No, not realy".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, ?". ''no not really

What do you mean not really, " well it was the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the wooden plus sign in the assambley hall, I knew they weren't fuckin about.

To all bloggers going to Embra, have a great day. Lovely historical town great pubs. I wish I could be there but I have unpacking duties to attend to.................. a prisoner in my own home, let me oot, let me oot.

We all know that all that stuff about "TV licence detector vans" is a load of pish.

Now I am not condoning not having a licence but why the feck is such a heinous crime to not have a TV licence but okay to lie blatantly to fifty million citizens.

I walked into The Hayburn Vaults in Partick yesterday and the first thing I was told was that one of the old guys i drank and gambled with Joe McCauly had died of a heart attack while I was on holiday.

The last time I seen him was a couple of days before i went on holiday he was looking gtreat and he had just returned from three weeks in Benidorm.

Friendship

Piller of humanity,
Cement of the soul.
Solder of society,

I owe thee much

A polite young man wanted to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

Got back from Tenerife at 00.30 tis mornin. Got up an hour ago and put on the lappy. The Norton Protection Update has been runnin ever since.
Maybe it has missed me und is purrin away like a cat or maybe it's just feckin slow as usual.

Like a lot of you out there in the blogoshpere I woke this morning to the wonderful news that the Americans had voted in Barack Obama as there next president.
As I watched the news on both English and Spannish TV I couldn't help but think of what Martin Luther King or Alex Haley author of Roots whould have made of it all.

I really did think the world was a better place this morning than it was yesterday. Then I was brought back down to earth with a bang, next on the telly was Jeremy Kyle.............. oh well it was nice while it lasted.

I'm comming home I've drunk the wine,
and the sun belongs to Spain, it isn't mine,
I'm comming home to Partick,
Where the rain is pissing down,
So please forgive big Nulty if his face is in a frown
So tie a yellow duffler round the old oak tree
Its been two long months, since I've seen it rain
Well the whole damn plain is cheerin and I can't believe its true
A hundred yellow duflers round the old oak tree.
Darararararara dararararara a hundred yeloow dufflers round the old oak tree

I read Trins post on spots plooks and acne.
It riminded me of when I was at school there was a guy in my class who had really bad acne he asked me for advice, The advice I gave him was to wear pink shoes '' how the feck will that help'' he screamed ''well nobody will look at your face they will just say look at him with the pink shoes on''.

The inhabitants of Ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother’s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomn, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was the age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made money and is famous only for his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attaching his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

We had a great night last night, just like when I was a kid ''dookin for apples, cracker eatin compititions, biting the swinging apple, it was a laugh . The Spannish were into it in a big way too all the young ones passing by on their way to the clubs just came in and joined in the games and dancing agreat night. Now for a qiuet one, nae drink..................well maybe just a wee wan.