Hurricane Senga hit the town of Port Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning
On the spot report fom Niv
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man-no." The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Butlins and Largs were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived the next morning.
Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane arrived. 22 asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Robert Street ; rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.
The Tele reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Port Glasgow.
One resident Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz."
Neighbour Joseph "young young" Docherty said the noise wiz tremendous, at first ah thoat it wiz the neds coming oot of Sudgies Bar but it wiz even worser."
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers.
Residents in neighbouring Gibshill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Port G lasgow people decided that they were better off where they were.
A council spokesman indicated that it would take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "there huz been a pure blitz spirit - everybuddies been pure blitzed."
Poundshop has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The BBC has announced that Kate Adie will be sent in as soon as she has upgraded the personal protection she had in Baghdad .
The Government pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chipshops,the £ shop and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.
SO, HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps. Hoodies. Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers). Shell suits (female). White sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required, please try and include : - Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-wurlies, Red Kola, Cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, Bottles of Buckie or Eldorado and Glue or hairspay.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Breaking news
Rescue workers found a ten-year girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked.
"Kelburn Terrace" said the girl, "whits it got to dae wi you?"
