60. How did you get one of your scars?
I got my tadger caght in my zip..........a twelve inch scar.............

I omitted the final part of the answer so here it is, sorry to disappoint anyone.

when my tadger got caught i yelled jumped up and hit my heid
aff the wall and ended up with the twelve inch scar on my napper.

60 Things You Possibly Didn’t Know About Me [But Now You Do]

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Oh fuck, Annie!

2. When was the last time you threw up?
Three months ago in Tenerife , i hadn't had carrots since Christmas but sure enough.

3. Whats your favorite curse word?
cunt.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Annie, AJ and me

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
watching the morning line.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Reading the racing post

7. Have you ever been to a strip club?
yes three months ago in Tenerife (see question 2)

8. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Oh fuck, Annie" (see question 1)

9. When is your birthday?.april 9th

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
I like mint and coconut

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
whisky

12. What are you wearing right now?
ziltch

13. What is the last thing you ate?
poridge

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
yes, a superman apron

15. When was the last time you ran?
In january when I had the cold.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
It would have been a horse race.

17. What's the last sport you played?
Golf

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
My niece in Australia

19. Ever go camping?
Yes I gingganggollied when i was young..

20.Do you have a tan?
I think so

21.Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
nothing of any known value

22.What is your guilty pleasure?
hiding Annies kitkats

23.Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
no.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
No.

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
going out for a drink west end festival ison so there will be some music in the pubs.
28. Where is your mom right now?
At home.

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
a frigate being built.

30. What color is your watch?
white and gold.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
i think happy things i loved Australia an would recomend it to any young people.

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
No.

33. What is your birthstone?
as long as it's not a tombstone I couldnt give a monkies ffffffff

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
I don't do fast food.
35. What is your favorite number?
lucky seven

36. Do you have a dog?
nup

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
mum

38. Have you met anyone famous?
Yes,

39. Any plans today?
watch racing go out at night to the greenbottle shop.

40. How many provinces have you lived in?
i have travelled quite a lot but only lived in Glasgow

41. Ever go to college?
yes.

42. Where are you right now?
In a happy place!
43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
non doers
44. Last song listened to?
try a little tenderness
46. Are you allergic to anything?
many things I am an asthmatic wheezebag.

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
they were a pair of green shoes i loved them i took a picture\of thenm before I threw them out
48. Taste in your mouth right now?
mint

49. Are you jealous of anyone?
nup

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
i would hope not

51. Do you love anyone?
Yes.

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes.

53. Do you eat healthy?
Yes but I don't drink healthy!

54. What do you usually do during the day?
read, blog gamble, drink eat sleep and the occassional hump.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Aye still Thatcher but apart from that no.

58. Do you own any big sunglasses?
No, but I do have one or two Nelson Mandela shirts.

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No.

60. How did you get one of your scars?
I got my tadger caght in my zip..........a twelve inch scar.............

on my napper.

when my tadger got caught i yelled jumped up and hit my heid
aff the wall and ended up with the twelve inch scar on my napper.

A pish is an imitated bird call (usually a scold or alarm call) used by birders and ornithologists to attract birds (generally. The action of making the sound is known as pishing. This technique is used by scientists to increase the effectiveness of bird diversity surveys, and by birders to attract species that they might not otherwise see.

Pishing is used most effectively in theHolarctic, where it is thought to work due to its similarity to the scold calls of tits and chickadees. These scold calls, a form of mobbing behaviour, attract other birds which come in to establish the nature of the potential threat. Acoustical analysis of pishing calls and the mobbing calls of tits shows that they share a frequency metric not used by other birds. Not surprisingly, pishing has little effect on birds in those parts of the world without tits or chickadees.

Another study noted that only passerine are attracted by pishing. Apart from the mobbing call hypothesis, it has also been suggested that pishing may be treated as an invitation to join a "mixed species foraging flock" and birds do not themselves vocalize or show aggressive behaviour. The same study noted that pishing did not work in the old-world tropics and suggested that it may be due to the lower densities of migrants.

Because pishing disrupts the natural behaviour of a bird, birding organisations consider it unethical and immoral to make excessive use of this method of attracting birds. Such organisations recommend that, once the bird has been viewed, the birder cease pishing and allow the bird to return to its natural behaviour.

So no doubt you can pish in differant octaves, I bet I can pish higher than you.

If you are in a toilet and the guy next to you starts whistling, don't worry he is only pishing.

 

After hours of cracking up I decided to put the laptop in its sleeping bag and take it to the laptop doctors. It had been doing all sorts of strange things lately and over the last few months it was taking ages for it to start up (well about ten minutes but thats times ten, when you are a moaning faced old c blogger like me)

So anyway the laptop hospital is across the road from the Hayburn and I know the doctor, he drinks in the Hayburn so I took it in at one o'clock and he told me to come back at four.
Talk about penicillan he must have gave it botox too, because at quarter past four there was my pride and joy working away fine and looking the way it was just like the fist day I got it.

I lost my favourites, pictures and music but I have most of it backed up. So yes Nulty is a happy bunny ...........cost £20...........and evenbetter news is I won £125 in the on the gee gees whilst in the waiting room Hayburn

I am in deep shit. I generally use Mozila Firefox and for some reason it won't allow me into Google, Blog .co.uk, The Racing Post or Paddypower and these are the sites I use most of all.

I went on to Internet Explorer everthing was ok blog co.uk was a bit slow but that happens.
All my favourites are on firefox. any suggestions.

The penny has finally dropped, I get it, no more will I turn up my nose at Ms. Thank you ''Grumpy Old Women''.

My mate is addicted to brake fluid.
But he reckons he can stop at any time.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control have all been born.

I met a strange guy yesterday,
 He had artificial legs and real feet.

I heard that my old boss has four profiles on facebook ............
sounds about right.

The Glasgow West End Festival is on for the next couple of weeks and it starts to day, so Annie and I are joining in the celebrations.
We will head into Partick then along to Byres Road where the main events are.
 There are three stages on Byres Road and live bands in most of the pubs.
We will probably start out at the Lismore where there will be Scottish folk music on and then on to the Three Judges where there will be a jazz band on.

A guy woke up one morning and said to his wife ''I had a wet dream about you last night''his wife said ''tell me about it''

He said ''you were run over by a bus and I pissed the bed laughing''

Freddy Parrott Face Davies re incarnate

I seen this on Youtube and it reminded me of my youth
''aye you will go to mass as long as you stay in this house''

A lot of people are worriers no matter what.

They worry about this and that sometimes they worry about not having anything to worry about.
Life is not a process of people trying to get at you of people trying to steal your money or infect you with some deadly disease.
Life is just like the Grand Old Duke of York when your up your up and when your down your down but most of the time your only half way up which means your neither up nor down.
As my old granny used to say '' whits fur ye will not go by ye''

Like a lot of other bloggers I have bother getting the right amount of sleep so I went to the doctors.
She asked me to tell her about my sleep patterns.
 I  said I can sleep in the morning, the evening and at night but in the afternoon I just seen to toss and turn.

I called the local sports center and enquired about keep fit classes as I was putting on a bit of weight.
The person I was talking to said that i should wear loose fitting clothes...............The reason I was going to the sports center was I didn't have any loose fitting clothes.

There was a tight fisted painter who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further. He got away with this for some time, but eventually the  Church  of England decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. He put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. He was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked him off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

                              Repaint! Repaint! Repaint! all ye Thinners

Bunch of crawlers the lot of them ''oh i want this more than anything '' oh I want it more than that'' oh Sir Allan please I beg you'' ''it wasn't me it was him'' '' i would never do such a thing''
''my track record this, my track record that'', ''it's not the money it's the challenge''
Re brand the show,
                   Britain's Got Crawling Slimey Wannabe's.

The biggest sign of crawling was,  after ''your fired''       
'' Oh Thanks Sir Allan'' every one of them apart from the winner and I wonder how long he will be in the job before he takes a sicky!

What happened to stick it up your job up your arse Sir Allan?.

Picture of the Scotstoun yard 1932
click to enlarge

Sir Alfred Fernandez Yarrow,  started a shipbuilding dynasty from humble origins in East London.  He opened a yard — Yarrow and Hedley at Folly Wall, Poplar on the Isle of Dogsin 1865 to build steam river launches.

He ventured into military vessels from the early 1870s, building Torpedo Boats for the Argintinian and Japanese Navies, among other customers. Then in 1892 he built the first two Destroyers for the royal Navy Havock and Hornet of the Havock class.

By this time, the Hedley partnership had been dissolved (1875), and the company was known as Yarrow & Co, and around 1898 moved out of Folly shipyard to the nearby London Yard. It was to be a short-lived move, for less than 10 years later (1906–1908) Yarrow gradually moving his yard northwards to Scotstoun on the banks of the Clyde on the west coast of Scotland, closing the London shipyard in 1908. An operation in Vancouver was also started. 

He lived in Greenwhich for some years - occupying Woodlands House in Mycenae Road

 

Ships Built in London:

* Japanese torpedo boat Kotaka 1885
* Havock class destroyers
o HMS Havock 1893
o HMS Hornet 1893
* River class destroyers
o HMS Teviot 1903
o HMS Usk 1903
o HMS Ribble 1904
o HMS Welland 1904
o HMS Gala 1905
o HMS Garry 1905

Built after the move to Glasgow:

(There is some confusion as to where the Thyella class were built as they are described as 'laid down 1905' (before the move from London began) and were launched 1907/8 (before the London yard closed)

* Thyella class destroyers (Royal Hellenic Navy) (1906-07)
o Thyella
o Lonchi
o Nafkratousa
o Sfendoni

* Weapon class destroyers
o HMS Battleaxe
o HMS Broadsword
* Daring class destroyer (1949)
o HMS Decoy
o HMS Diana

* Black Swan class sloop
o HMS Wild Goose (U45)
* Tribal class frigate
o HMS Ashanti
* Leander class frigate
o HMNZS Canterbury (F421)
o Almirante Lynch 3
o Almirante Condell 3 (1973)
* Type 21 frigates
o HMS Ambuscade
o HMS Arrow
o HMS Alacrity
o HMS Ardent
o HMS Avenger
* Type 22 frigates
o HMS Broadsword
o HMS Battleaxe
o HMS Brilliant
o HMS Brazen
o HMS Boxer
o HMS Beaver
o HMS Brave
o HMS London
o HMS Cornwall
o HMS Cumberland
* Type 23 frigates
o HMS Norfolk
o HMS Argyll
o HMS Lancaster
o HMS Iron Duke
o HMS Monmouth
o HMS Montrose
o HMS Somerset
o HMS Grafton
o HMS Sutherland
o HMS Kent
o HMS Portland
o HMS St Albans
* Type 45 destroyers
o HMS Daring: Launched 1 February 2006
* Converted Civilian Vessels
o HMCS Tuna originally built as Tarantula

* Clyde-class RNLI lifeboats
o Charles H Barrett (70-001)
o Grace Paterson Ritchie (70-002)

* Royal Malaysian Navy
o KD Hand Tuah (F76) ex-Black Star, ex-HMS Mermaid
o KD Rahmat (F24)
o Lekiu-class frigates
+ Jebat (F29)
+ Lekiu (F30)

Mrs Rachel Hamilton, nicknamed "Big Rachel", was originally from Ireland but lived in Partick. She was 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighed around 21 stone. She worked as a labourer in Tod & MacGregor shipyards and as a forewoman navvy at the Jordanhill Brickworks and latterly as a farm worker at Anniesland.

 Big Rachel was sworn in as a special constable during the Partick Riots in August 1875.

Advice of the day......................... Don't mess with Partick women.

A donkey and a chicken are out in a field when the donkey falls down a hole.
The chicken races over and jumps into the farmers BMW, ties a rope to the front and pulls him out.

Next week they're out in a field and the chicken falls down the hole, he tells the donkey to run and get the BMW but instead the donkey walks over to the hole, drops his manhood  in to the hole the chicken grabs it with it's claws, the donkey walks backwards away from the hole and the chicken climbs out.when it reaches the top.

Moral of the story: When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pull a chick.

Did you hear about the priest with the iron balls?

They made him a cannon.

 Boom,Boom

It is my wee mammies birthday to day so a very happy birthday. We are all going up to her one bed room flat to night.
No room to swing a tea bag so we are having a fish 'n' chip party so no cleaning up to do.  What will my brothers, sister and I say when we leave

         ''THANKS FOR HAVING US MUM''

I just completed a Yougov survey. One of the questions was how many of these brands have you tasted. They listed 36 brands of alcoholic bevarage.
I have two questions, is 35 out of 36 good or bad, and what the fuck is a Snowball?

This a view of Yarrows Shipyard Scotstoun looking west, down the river top center you can just see John Browns Ship Yard. Also top  center you can just make out the Ferry crossing over the Clyde from Yoker to Renfrew there is a ferry running there to this day.. The surrounding land is all housing now.
Click to enlarge.

                                                                

An aerial view from the north bank of River Clyde looking west of Yarrow & Co's shipyard, c 1932.

Alfred Yarrow started business in 1865 at Poplar on the River Thames. At the turn of the century he decided to move his shipyard from the Isle of Dogs to Scotstoun on the Clyde. He gave his reasons as the cost of materials and labour but widespread labour unrest on the Thames probably contributed to his decision.

Yarrow signed the contract to move to Scotstoun in 1906 and the Isle of Dogs yard was gradually run down as machines and materials were moved north. Yarrow took 300 of his Poplar workers with him to Scotstoun. They did not like the new Scottish tenements where they were housed so Yarrow commissioned forty brick houses, aptly named "Yarrow Cottages", to be built with gardens, they are still occupied.
 When the First World War began in 1914, his son Harold took over the running of the company and remained in charge until his death in 1962.

 

Yarrow & Co have always been associated with the design and construction of naval vessels, for the Royal Navy and overseas navies. Output included twenty-nine destroyers and sixteen gunboats in the First World War and eighteen destroyers and eight sloops in the Second World War. The yard was badly damaged in a German air raid in March 1941. The end of each world war caused a slump in naval orders, but Yarrows survived by winning orders for merchant ships.

 

In more recent years Yarrow Shipbuilders, now the largest shipbuilders in Scotland, has been the leading builder of Royal Navy frigates. The yard was sold to GEC in 1985, and became part of BAE Systems in 1999.

The Govan Yard and the Scotstoun Yard are both now owned by BAE Systems basically the boats are built at Govan launched and then taken down to Scotstoun and fitted out. although a capability is there for both to work on their own.

I remember when my grandad went into a retirement home, very sad. I rang up my gran and asked how he was doing.
"Oh he's like a fish out of water"

"Is he finding it hard to adjust then?"

"No he's dead."

Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they wont miss a call from someone they didnt want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America......do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

An aerial view from south of the Clydeholm Shipyard and engineering works of Barclay, Curle & Co at Whiteinch, taken around 1932. In the backgound is Victoria Park.

Barclay, Curle & Co purchased the Clydeholm shipyard in 1855. Many famous ships were built there for companies which included the British India Line, City Line, Donaldson Line, Castle Line and P & O.

In 1912 control of the business passed to the Tyneside company Swan, Hunter & Wigham Richardson. Barclay, Curle & Co's reputation continued to grow, as much for ship repairing as for shipbuilding, although around 750 ships were built over the years. The Clydeholm yard finally closed in 1967, although ship repairing continued at Scotstoun until 1974.

My house is at the top right hand of the picture.

Click to enlarge

 

This is a picture taken by the Luftwaffe during the war.
The section in marked 5676 was less than one hundred yards from where my mum lived and the section marked 8277 is two hundred yards from where I now live.

I remember mum telling us the whistling noise the bombs made and I thought she was having us on, Sorry mum.

It makes you think how things were. We are lucky.

Click to enlarge.

TWO FRIENDS WERE PLAYING GOLF WHEN ONE PULLED OUT A CIGAR AND ASKED HIS FRIEND FOR A LIGHT. HIS FRIEND PULLS OUT A 12 INCH BIC LIGHTER FROM HIS GOLF BAG.."IN THE NAME OF THE WEE MAN WHERE DID YOU  GET  THAT FAE "

 "I`VE GOT A GENIE IN MY GOLF BAG" HE SAID.. "  ''CAN I SEE HIM?" ''AYE OK''
SO HIS PAL OPENS HIS BAG AND A GENIE POPS OUT ..."FUCK ME" CAN I MAKE A WISH" "SURE" SAID THE GENIE... " OK I`D LIKE A MILLION BUCKS PLEASE" ....SUDDENLY THE SKY DARKENS AND THE SOUND OF A MILLION DUCKS FLYING OVERHEAD ARE HEARD...
 IT WAS MILLION BUCKS I ASKED FOR,NOT A MILLION DUCKS!!"
HIS MATE SAID " I FORGOT TO TELL YOU HE`S A BIT DEAF
WHAT DO YOU MEAN DEAF?
 WELL DO YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED HIM FOR A 12 INCH BIC?"

I read somewhere that in these PC days that it was time that we had a woman Doctor Who. Well just imagine if they did she would probably change her name by deed pole to Doctor Why.
Why is the outside of this house blue, change it to pink why is there no curtains we need new curtains, I don't care what you call it, it's a caravan and I want a house, she complain about the noise the daleks were making.
 So no I don't think so just leave this one the way it is.

 

 

The Poles blew their chance of being accepted into English society last night.
Had they beaten Germany the Poles would have been given free pints of bitter been welcomed with open arms and been given thousands of kitchens and bathrooms to refurbish alas, it's get back, get back, get back to where you once belong.

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank," replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money."

"Don't argue! Just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" he shouts. She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!" he says.

"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it," he says. She takes off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly, the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.

"See, it’s not that difficult is it?" he says.

Flys have  have caused more human deaths than all wars put together.

In Aussie slang, the term for underwear is "grundies."

A recent study showed that as many as 16 million people alive today, about .5% of the population of Earth, are descendants of Genghis Khan.

"Sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia" is a medical term for ailment known as "brain freeze."

Viagra was invented in the town of Merthyr Tydfil, Wales.

President Lyndon Johnson had two beagles named Him and Her.

A male ballet dancer is a "ballerino."

President Lynden Johnson  who was related to Ghengis Khan  and a woman  who came from Merther Tydfil took viagra, his brain froze momentarily, his flys burst open and his ballerino came shooting out of his grundies and it caused more human deaths than all wars put together.

I seen on BBC News 24 this morning that the men  of Lesbos are attempting to get lesbians to stop calling themselves lesbians as  it makes them, the men of Lesbos, feel degraded when they call themselves as their forefathers called themselves, Lesbians.

I can foresee a similar complaint from the good people of Dikehead.

My message to Barrack Obama is to beware of support from old enemies no matter how unequivocal.

As it was reported that Hilary Clinton was rushed into hospital after her speech in support him in the Washington National Building Museum with extreme swelling of the nose, aka Pinocchio Beak

The play is only been on about 15 minutes and it's relevance is shining through. It was written in the eighteen hundreds and the men are blaming the lowering of wages on Frenchies, the Spannish and the Irish. We should send them all back to where they came from.
Now where have I heard that before.............

Tom Shields is the diarist on the Glasgow Herald. Here is a sample of his work.

I HAD a spot of sushi in Govan last week. Well, what do you expect when the BBC and Scottish Television have moved into the area? The purveyor of this Japanese delicacy in southwest Glasgow is Cherry & Heather Fine Food, a small establishment just off Paisley Road West, near the Cessnock underground station.

This part of the barrio may actually be called Cessnock, or Ibrox or even Bellahouston, but it's all Govan to me. It is not just TV folk who frequent the place; locals pop in for a box of sushi and a green tea.

Reiko, from Govan via Japan, makes the sushi; only the veggie version at the moment but she hopes to furnish it with fish sometime soon.

Her husband Iwan, from Govan via Indonesia, does most of the other cooking. So why is the place called Cherry & Heather and not Reiko & Iwan? It's cherry for Japan and heather for Scotland. The couple met in a bar in Ashton Lane in Glasgow. Reiko had come to Scotland for the whisky. Iwan came for the castles.

Their venture is actually a superior sandwich shop and a wee bit of a deli. They have a few tables, so you can have your miso soup to sit in (a curious concept, sitting in your soup). Iwan's signature sandwich is meatballs in bumbu kecap (a sweet and spicy Indonesian ketchup). Other pieces include kaffir lime and lemongrass chicken with roasted peppers and brie with spinach and caramelised onion.

The oven-roasted beetroot with lavender and Italian honey goat's cheese with omega mixed seeds alone makes the journey to Govan worthwhile.

The prices are more than reasonable; a coffee for £1, a box of sushi for £1.95. It's mostly organic but not organic as in twice the price.

Cherry & Heather doesn't do alcohol. It doesn't do Coke or Irn-Bru, partly on health grounds but also because Reiko and Iwan don't want to compete with neighbouring takeaway establishments who sell the stuff.

Reiko, like a good Govan woman, is a bit of a baker. In fact, she's a pastry chef to trade and turns her hand to cherry and pear tarts, banana and pecan cake, and such traditional Japanese sweets as Victoria sponge and caramel shortcake.

You may ask why I am pretending yet again to be a food critic. It's just that when I find friendly people serving good, healthy food at friendly prices, I like to tell the world.

Cherry & Heather is in Gower Street, beside Bellahouston Post Office, if you're passing that way.

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has a bright idea for dealing with the plague of knife crime that has beset his city. He thinks he can wean the offenders away from their penchant for armed combat by teaching them Latin and ancient Greek.

Boris may be slightly off-beam on this one, since it is the victim not the perpetrator of a stabbing who should say: "Et tu, Jimmy?"

As a schoolboy, I was convinced it was the Latin that made me a victim of persecution. The school was supposed to be a comprehensive but it was rigorously streamed into wee swots like me who did Latin, while others served the rest of their scholastic sentence doing woodwork and chucking half-bricks at windows.

One such chap took it upon himself to wait at the school gates at four each day with malice aforethought and intent on giving me a doing.

This was no joke since, even way back in the 1960s, knife-carrying was not unknown in our vicinity. I survived by planning my escape routes in advance and by running fast.

I never did work out exactly why this fellow had taken against me. It is possible I had made some smart-ersed remark in his general direction. But I suspect he had an animus towards Latin scholars.

This practice in the art of running away in order to run away another day came in handy. In later years when Glasgow had no shortage of people who would stab you just to keep their hand in.

You had to develop a radar for detecting possible assailants. But most of all you needed to be lucky.

There were simple rules like never going to the Flamingo ballroom, or indeed any of the Glasgow dancing venues, apart from the students' union. Look the wrong way at somebody's burd and he might well reach for his weapon.

There was a firmly rooted chib culture. Chib is a generic word for the knife, sword, bayonet, tomahawk (shades of the cowboy and injun movies), or a rapier in a walking stick that a young Glasgow gentleman might take with him on a social occasion.

Over the years, Glasgow's casualty units have been a rich source of research into stab wounds. One medical student in the 1990s produced a thesis titled Chief Superintendent John Carnochan, in which he explored the similarities in wounds suffered by Glasgow victims and those received by combatants in mediaeval battles.

One interviewee had been attacked with a sword. He was asked what kind. "Just an ordinary sword," he replied.

My liberal inclinations are severely challenged when it comes to people who go into the streets tooled up in anticipation of violence. If they live by the sword, let them die by the sword.

The more the police stop and search the better. It would be even better if parents routinely stopped and searched their sons and daughters as they headed out for the night.

Their beloved offspring may be carrying a knife for self-protection, but this would not work as a plea in mitigation should the weapon be used.

Or it could be that their wean is just a nut job carrying the chib for offence, not defence, and deserves to be shopped immediately to the polis.

The prime minister, Gordon Brown, now acutely aware of the knife crime problem, wants to lock up anyone over 16 found in possession of a blade. But if this is to work in Scotland then we will have to build not just one new £100 million jail at Peterhead, but a few others as well.

Detective Chief Superintendent John Carnochan, head of Strathclyde Police's violence reduction unit, believes that banging offenders up will not work on its own.

DCI Carnochan, it should be said, is not trying to win votes on this issue. He says: "We need to do other things - if we want to change attitudes, if we want to change culture, that's not a role simply for the police. That involves everyone."

It's simple really. All we have to do is bring up a generation who will bring up their children not to carry knives. I'll leave the detail to those qualified in such matters.

At this point, there will be folk saying we should conscript the knife criminals into the army and send them to fight in Iraq or Afghanistan.

I wouldn't go that far. But a spell (perhaps just a month or two) of SAS-type survival alone on an uninhabited island off the west coast of Scotland might be suitable. They would need a knife, of course, for hunting and killing their own food.

They would also be supplied with bottles of Skin So Soft to keep the midges away. It would be a harsh regime, but not that cruel.

Or perhaps offenders could just be subjected to strict curfews. When they might prefer to be out causing an affray on Sauchiehall Street, they could be locked in a classroom somewhere learning Latin with Boris Johnson as teacher.

 I had a good start to the European Championships backing Portugal and the Czechs in a double.
Croatia will be my next punt not so sure about the Germans and the Poles. Paddy Power give  a concession on first -last goal scorer and correct result, if someone is sent off all losing single bets stake returned.
there is no love lost between these two so a wee bet on the correct score is on the cards now what will it be.

I must be aff ma heid just done a you gov survey at 1.30 am in the morning. thats me got twenty two pounds fifty in the kity.............night night  zzzzzzzz.

We were talking about the European Championships in the pub yesterday and who we thought would win and we discussed the merits of each others choices. When asked who I thought would win I said ''Scotland''
 ''but they are not even in the fuckin thing''
''aye but they are always better when nobody gives them a chance''.

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'how does it do that?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'how much does it cost?'

The  graduate with the media studies degree asks, 'do you want fries with that?'

I don't usually watch these sort of programmes on TV, but the today I thought I'd give it a go.

Basically I've just sat for 2 hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.

They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.

And at the end of this brain numbing bullshit, I said to myself thats the last time I watch Parliament live

In a pub in town yesterday the barmaid said she was going to a night out on Friday

 ''  If i'm not in bed by ten o'clock I'm going home''!

Oh..................... to be young again!

I was in town yesterday and I went into a watering hole in the Merchant City. I was pearched at the bar as per usual and two guys from the east came up Edinburgh not Asia.
 They ordered ''twa pints o heavy and twa white wines''. the barmaid poured the white wines  and placed them on the bar. One was larger than the other and one of them spied it , eyes like a hawk he nudged his mate, ''wid ye luk at thone he gasped'' ''fuch me neighbour thats bung oocht o order''.
The barmaid clocked what was going on.
 On her return with the pints one of the guys said ''wan o yones bigger than the other cud ye make them the same size'' ''nae bother pal infact i'm glad you told me, there is to much in that one'' and she poured some down the sink,'' there they are the same noo''

I smiled, and that was all I said

Heard this yesterday.
Life is like a taking a bath:
The longer you stay in it, the wrinklier you get.

I walked into my local, Grannie Gibbs,  yesterday and could hardly believe my eyes there on a table in centre of the room was The Champions League Cup.
It was  the local School fair yesterday and they had asked if they could borrow for the  day, the replica given to Celtic when they won it.

A nice touch by Celtic, all though not all the guys appreciated it. There is just no pleasing  Rangers supporters.

Wee Wullie comes running out of a blue video shop.
The doorman grabs him and asks what is the matter.
"My ma said if I looked at anything dirty I'd turn to stone..................  I think I can  feel it starting!"

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president this morning. He told Bush that three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

 Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ysnjjvcAmk

There was a wee boy called  Wullie and his next door neighbour's wife  had a newly born baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Wullie's family wereinvited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, wee Wullie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get his arse slapped  when they came back home.
When wee Wullie looked in the cot he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, thats nice of you to say so.
Then he said said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a nice wee nose and really lovely eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, and the Doctor said he will great eye sight

'That's great', said wee Wullie,'couse he'd be fucked  if he needed glasses'.

I was in Stumps in Partick yesterday so called as it is next to the cricket ground.

An English guy came in and asked where the cricket ground was as he was wanting to take some pictures of it  as it was where the first ever football international took place between Scotland and England. he was a football fanatic and was up in Glasgow to do the tours of the football grounds Ibrox, Celtic Park and Hampden. he said he didn't know about the cricket grounds historical link and he had found out in a Glasgow pub. he asked me if I knew what the score was I said no but Scotland probably won it why he asked ,well if England had of won it the English commentators would still be talking about it now, like the World Cup in............. when was it again oh aye 1966

Why are their no bookies shops in China?
Cause they hate Tibet

I was at the dentists yesterday oh how I was dreading it but it turned out I was worring about nothing.

A couple of fillings two out and a clean up and the cost I could not believe it, £40.

I thought it would have cost me a fortune.

When the work is done i promise I will go back for my check up, honest.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
8. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
9. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
10. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
14. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
15. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
17. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
18. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
19. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
20. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
21. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
22. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
23. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
24. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
27. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
28. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
29. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name ?

Now you can  say anything you like, as long as you apologise when you are in the wrong

I was standing at a bus stop yesterday when a young guy asked a woman how far it was to Partick, she said ''are you walking or driving'' he said ''walking'' '' oh in that case it's about 15 minutes.'' he thanked her and started  on his merry way to Partick.

 I thought to myself is this a Glasgow or a Scottish thing then I remembered last year in Australia every time I asked the distance to somewhere I given the answer in time.
It is strange but you can sort of understand it.
 
Now this could be a good thing because time is neither metric or imperial.

But it does get a bit silly, you can't go into Allied and ask  for two minutes of carpet or go into an electrical shop and get a two second fluoresent tube or when asked your height reply  1.68 seconnds.

It reminds me of an old Chic Murray joke ''how long's the next bus'' ''about the same length as the last one''

G.W. Bush said nuclear is the answer to the fuel crisis that  is affecting the American economy.

Give us your oil or we will NukeYou!

I loved watching Paul McCartney in Live in Liverpool last night on BBC2.
OK he might have missed a note or two but there was a buzz in Anfield that Kenny Dalglish would have been proud of.
 It was an hour and a half of pure nostalgia taking me back to my spotty youth. 
Well done Liverpool.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=h-nY7kjjl8k