nultygoestopartick

A guy in the pub said his wife asked him if he thaught she was putting on weight his reply was:

Message for all concerned parents.

However a spokesman for the University openly admitted that these were acceptable side effects if watching TV will keep the little fuckers occupied....!

At £100,000 a year................ I've been for the interview!

Now where is that pin stiped suit I had?

Boardrich likes Friday's Boardrich likes Fridays
He don't like Mondays, just like Bob Geldorf,
Saturday and Sundays they are his fundays,
So lets hear it for Boardrich,
Because Fridays to day.
Lala lalalala lala lalalala
Lala lalalala lala lalalala
Lets hope Monday don't come.

£100,000 a year not bad if you can get it.

It's the only thing they agree on  all year,
''all those who say aye 645, the aye's have it the aye's have it''

My sister in law Helena is running in the

Cancer Research charity anyone wishing to donate to this please click on the link below which will take you to her page on the charities web site. All donations welcome no matter how small.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/helenamcnulty

Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.
One of the jockey's brothers is informed that his brother has been killed and he decides to go down to the morgue to see his body for the last time he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly rocognisable but he insists so they let him in.
Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body.
"No, thats not him," .
They pull back the sheet
"Nope, thats not him."
The third.
"No, that aint him either."
After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, he says "yep, that's him."
The mortician said, "that's amazing: these bodys are burnt to a crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"
And the trainer said, " he's never been in the first three in his life''!

I've just come off the phone with the spiritual leader of Tibet. He sent me a large goat with a long neck.
Turns out I phoned Dial a lama.

Free Bunjee jumps for line Managers.
No strings attached.

There are a lot of people complaining about the duty paid on fuel.

I see a pattern emerging.

I am sitting here writing this post bopping about to music so does that make me a Laptop Dancer?

When you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJB1u1ZFzrk

I understand that we are living in the "politically correct"  but, seriously, do we really need information signs in Braille - at a fucking art gallery?
The mind boggles how the fuck dae they come up with the ideas. Is there an award, a world ranking championship and if there is what would the risk assessment be like.

Imagine there was a rule, ''no lime green to be worn'', naebody would get fuckin in.

 My friend Lledeb, had a really good post earlier entitled,
                 What Happens When We Die
It is about people on Bebo and Facebook and bloggers who die and their blogs remaining open. It  set up a debate in my head as to weather it would be a good thing or a bad thing.

How fitting an epitaph it would be for blog mates to read your posts on the anniversary of your death and and the volume of people visiting  results in you getting awarded a posthumous featured blog to the sounds of  ''The Last Post''............................................. fame at last.

Why do bulimics love KFC?

Because it comes with a bucket.

Seeing Lledeb's post about rum reminds me of a time when I was working in Cape Canaveral.
 Every week or so a team of eight would be sent out to de- prep the torpedoes in Andros Island  the Bahamas aka  AUTEC, Altlantic Underwater Test Evaluation  Center

So keep aff the 151

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday morning.

Epicentre: Romford, Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell" ..

The earthquake decimated the area causing extreme damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and
Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two Tyler-Morgan, and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals Tins of baked beans, Icecream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.Morris, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is that you? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on the car. Morris, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

It's one of those wonderful summer mornings up here. The garden, lawn mower and the hoe await but fist breakfast, then who knows...........maybe a few beers for yours truly.

The Rangers manager Walter Smith was rushed into the Western Infirmary Glasgow last night he was given a quadruple bypass.

This Indian bloke walks into this supermarket and ask the attendant what kind of toilet paper they have for sale. The attendant shows him three brands. The first brand is called Kleenex and costs two pounds for two rolls, the second brand is Sorbent and costs one pound for two rolls and the third brand is a no name brand and costs fifty pence for five rolls.
The Indian says, "five rolls for fifty pence, that is cheap - think of the vindaloos I can have."
So the Indian buys the no name toilet paper and leaves. The next day he returns to the store and finds the attendant and says to him, "I still have got four toilet rolls left, but I have found a name for your toilet roll."
The attendant looked confused when he said that and asked him to explain.
The Indian says, "you should call it John Wayne toilet paper!"
The attendant said, "why John Wayne?"
And the Indian replies, "because John Wayne was rough and he was hardas fuck and he took no shit off  Indians  I"

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

For some reason or other Annie and I have always been tempted to go to Dusseldorf, we know nothing about it  Annie just likes the sound of it so  I am thinking of giving her a wee surprise.

Dusseldorf or burst. Where the f**k is burst.

Now you can like me, see life through rose tinted glases.
Have a good day Mate!

A guy dials his home phone number and a strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

The man pauses for a moment and says, "Ummmm… Is this 0141  944 7777.........................

Bmi  customers can now check in  on line for flights, then pass through security using a bar code that is sent to their mobile phone when they check in.
It is to be trialled on flights between edinburgh and Heathrow and Manchester (hope the screens don't go off) and Belfast.

I was in my local pub ,Granny Gibbs, yesterday and was told there were two tellys on for the football on Thursday night, one for the Celtic game one for the Rangers game.
The games had gone for about ten minutes when the manager turned off the set with the Rangers game on. A roar went up from about forty mad Rangers supporters''wit dae you think your doing big yin'' ''Just thought I would remind you of Manchester'' was his reply

Ann Summers new vibrator for women is so realistic!
Just before you reach a climax it cums, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself off.

The airline companies are ready to hike up the price of carrying luggage because of the increase in aviation fuel.
This rise in the cost of carrying cases is a nonsence .  If the cost of fuel goes up  fine,  add it on to the price of the flight. but these surcharges are a con in the price war that is going on .
It will soon be cheaper to go on holiday with no baggage and buy clothes  when you get there or if you go to the same resort, to buy some storage and leave your clothes and odds and ends there.

All this palava take the fun out of travel.

Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only member of the royal family to be called after three sheep dogs.

Three guys are talking in a pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives.

 The third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
 
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

 '' I told him toget out from under the bed and fight like a man!''

What is the Queens problem with her picture being in Hello, her face is on every envelope in the country but no complaint from her.
If I want to read look through Hello I will by it.
If I want to post a letter I've got to lick the back of her napper. Me thinks I have more grounds for complaint than her!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ceqU9IPDEnU

I generally don't do videos but this is funny.

I read ''Chelsea Flower Show, Exclusive.''
 in one of the tabloid news papers.

I thought ''oh not another Sloane Ranger flashing her touche.''

I remember years ago one of the men I represented filled in a self certificate sickness form in a one word answer- Sick. The form was sent back to him with a note saying more detail  required.

The personnel manager sent for me saying Mick I am not having this, he had added to the word sick in brackets involuntary emptying of the stomach, you silly little man.

On May 20th, a free vote in the UK parliament declared that fertility clinics needn't consider fathers as playing an essential or supportive role in a child’s upbringing. The vote, aimed at making it easier for single women  to use fertility clinics, has been criticised by many as worsening the “responsible parenting crisis” that is plaguing the UK.

This event also raises issues concerning the capacity of single fathers to raise children when compared to their female counterparts. Are men becoming an “unessential” aspect of a child’s life, bringing into question the basic abilities of thousands of single fathers to raise their kids.
Do children need mothers more than fathers?
Are single mothers inherently better at raising kids than single fathers?

A randy Glasgow patter merchant boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies:

"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Bald Eagle Browniski,"

Celtic won the Scottish premier league to night which pleased me no end infact I am sitting here with a glass of Moet as I blog.
I had a nice wee bet on the double, Man U last night and Celtic to win the league, so who knows might even get a we bit of bouncy bouncy...........
now where is that inhaler.

Just heard the best line for a long time.
Johnny Vegas said when he goes to the doctors the doctor looks disappointed when  he tells him he  has not got diabetes.

The buttons on my....... TRO, USE and R'S are not all worn out either Palmy!

Did you hear about the dwarf that died.

He took a fit of coffin

I was just reading Old Nicks post and it got me wondering about Sun Dried Tomatoes.

Don't believe everything you eat!

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counsillor. The councillor asks the wife what the problem is. She said, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The husband replies,I don't suffer from it, i'm fine with it,
 it's her that suffers, not me."

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3 Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live.

Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently.

One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

I don't suffer from depression but I had a look at Usky's Stepping Stones Group.
What a great idea, it was an eye opener for me  and  I hope it helps my fellow bloggers who suffer from depression.

 Well done Usky

Delightful, delicious but not for me,
The sophisticated lady with the college  degree.

An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

Top thirty fibs

It is not a bad day up here, so to hell with it, I'm off to Ayr races.
Rags or riches,  who knows............

We will find out soon enough.

A Glasgow cabbie picks up a Nun in his cab.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party'

The funeral of Tommy Burns took place in Glasgow yesterday.
Tommy was a player, coach and manager of Celtic FC.

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Have a great day mate.

On a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

At this the Texan drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

At what point is it best to realise that you have fucked something up
The begining the middle or the end?

There is something not quite right about this post I wish I would have noticed it earlier.

Remember a few months ago the government were going on about doing away with poly bags and how bad they were for the planet.

Last week I bought a bottle of SpeakerMartins 10 year old Malt at the shop in the House of Commons £28 with free House of Commons poly bag.

How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but it will take 20 episodes.

As most of my friends will know I was a guest of an MP friend of mine at the House of Commons last week, so here is how the day went.
my brother in law Les and I left Crouch Hill at 9.30  got a bus to  Finsbury Park tube station  on the Victoria line to Green Park then one stop  on  to Westminster.
Well Westminster station was the first surprise SECURITY.......
As the tube came into the station their was reinforced glass all along the edge of the platform with doors to let people on and off the train,  there were cameras every where and when we went to the main foyer it was all 18'' stainless steel girders, supporting re- enforced concrete which was similar to a honeycomb design. All though it sounds ugly there was a modern stylish look to it.
We maid our way to the visitors gate where there it was generally school children on day trips mostly English but  few French and German
We were asked what our party was (I was ready to say Labour) I told him we were going to see our MP, so he gave us a visitors pass and we waited to go through security which was similar to that of airport security.
We made our way to the Central Lobby via Westminster Hall where the Queen Mother lay in state.
On approaching the Central Lobby there was a weird feeling of  being in a very, very special place.
we got there about 10.30. and we were not to meet until 10.50 so we sat on these giant bench's, I am not a short person  but when I sat right back  I could not bend my legs, as my knee's were still on the seat and when I sat on the edge my feet couldn't touch the ground.
There were statues of all the Kings and Queens each about three feet high, standing on top of one and other to form four arches one each for St George,  St David,  St Patrick and St Andrew. and in the center was   a candelabra that dell boy would have been proud of that hung from a mosaic turret which was mirror on the floor by a tiled pattern.
There seemed to be wood carvings everywhere.
I was like a wee boy in a toy shop, head  moving from side to side  sometimes nearly completing a 360 turn. As we were sitting there  Bruce Forsythe and his wife walked by us and went into the House of Lords, so don't be surprised if he gets a Knighthood.

A man walks into a dentists and says: "What's the best thing for yellow teeth?
The dentist answers: "How about green shirt and a brown tie?"

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
 

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women  .
 

 
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologise when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
 

 
 No further testing was considered necessary.
 
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

Seeing Nicks pictures of the ''blogmeet'' was great .
Nice to see what Jaco, Notbob and China look like (i noticed the cider Notbob)

I wish I could have made it, I was only a few miles away  up  at Tuffnell Park.

I must admit I am overweight but I had to laugh when I read that upto a million men in this country are obesse and don't know it, well slap my arse and call me Hupty Dumpty.

And if you can't see your tadger because your belly is in the way you are.
As they say you can't have your cake and eat it.
 

Rangers supporters must be big ''tellyfans''

 200,000 of them went to Manchester to see Blankity Blank

On my recent visit to The house of Commons Gordon Brown  said the recent polls haven't worried him at all.

He stated, "They're doing a lovely job on my kitchen and bathroom."

With Leeds and Doncaster into the playoff final there's going to be a lot of broken hearted Yorkshiremen on the way back home.

I had a great day at The House of Commons yesterday. I also got a wee peek at the Lords.
I will post about it over the next few days but for now it's Luton airport.

''Thats all folks''

Yesterday was ace and I will blog it when I get back home.
I  am now getting ready  to go to The House of Commons my MP friend has got me tickets for PMQ'S and there after for a tour of the place.
Must dash.

I an off to Richmond to day for lunch and a few bevies and maybe even a boat trip, who knows? I have been warned........behave yourself or no ice cream & jelly
I don't like ice cream that much I mumbled.

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
'This will make you happy ton ight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing."

The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar opened!"

After my drunken Mayday escapade I planned a nice easy relaxing day in house. I got a phone call from my sister ''Wee Barrsie is on at the Thornwood'' that was the end of the quiet day in.

If this is what we get in our old age.................... Then that's fine by me.
 

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

I am off to Nowf Laandan to morrow,  I fly in to Luton at 2.30 then drive into Cwouch ill, i will be there for a week.

I don't think I will manage to get to the meet as my reason for going down there is to be at a family do on the same night, but you never know.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer:

The pastor put the two fifty pound notes  into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

In the pub yesterday after the rally a guy was standing at the bar for about ten minutes clutching an empty pint measure trying to attract the barmaids attention. eventually she came over to him and said  ''are you wanting served'' ''naw naw hen I'm  quite happy here with my pint of fuck all'' was his dry reply.

I had a great wee day out yesterday I went to the Mayday rally in Glasgow's George Square.
There was a short march to The Old Fruit Market (not a market for old fruit)
The march  is organised every year by the Glasgow Trades Council who are celebrating their 150th anniversary this year.
There were stalls set up  by most unions and left wing groups including CND, Scottish Socialists, The Labour Party and SNP and yes, they are still about The Communist Party of Great Britain

So I had a great time

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

I was surfing the web about shipbuilding on the Clyde and got a wee surprise.
I have been up and down the Clyde hundreds if not thousands of times and had noticed what looked like old trees or poles sticking out of the water.
at one point I thought they may have been some sort of defencive barrier against enemy  boats landing during the war to protect the shipyards.

Following a works night out the boss  brought the men back to show off his new batchelor flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by
the large copper and a  gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the speaking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For fucks sake,  it's half past to two in the morning!!"

The task this week was on the Apprentice was New Cards.

Could You Please Carry Out Your Arguments At The Same Pitch Throughout
As I  Want To Hear it All Or Not At All
Any Ideas

I went to a fund raiser last night for a charity called Headway, it is a charity run for people affected by Acquired Brain Injury. My brother Stephen had a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage in September last year and is supported by this organisation.
The main support he is given by Headway is via a self help group BRIDGE
: Brain Injury Discussion Group for Everyone.

The main reason for this post was to thank those who organised the night, so Stephen, I know you read this blog, pass on my best regards to them.

I woke up this morning put on the news:
 Rangers in the Euefa Cup Final.
 Labour hammered in the elections down south.
Checked my horses, still running.
Lucky white heather anyone?
Are you sure it's not Friday the 13th

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Human Resources Department