nultygoestopartick

At an auction in London a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a man with a Glaswegian voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Annie and I were going out last night as usual she was taking ages putting on her war paint sorry make up.
I said ''hurry up or we will be late'' she replied '' haven't I being saying for the last half hour I will only be two minutes''

Wummin! i ask  ye

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

A travelling salesman knocks on a house door.It is answered by a young child wearing a smoking jacket. he has glass of whisky in one hand and a cigar in the other

The child replies "what the fuck do you think?"

A happy big guy! just booked my flights for Tenerife in September. Annies playing Judith Chalmers to my Alan Wicker.
London in May, Ireland in June and Tenerife in September till November.
Now July and August mmmm lets think................. blogland?

I was in the city center yesterday and there was a bunch of guys in the pub  talking about the Celtic Rangers game.

One guy said how do you convert a Protestant one of the Rangers supporters said I don't know
You kick him over the bar at Twickenham

I was out and about yesterday, i went out at twelve o'clock and came rolling home at two in the morning.
When i got in the house Annie was standing like Flo, Andy Capps wife,
arms folded holding a rolling pin.
 I said yo  must be off your heid  baking at this time of night.
Aye right, wallop, ouch!

John Prescott's bulimia.
By the way he looks it  may have been coupled with amnesia as he must have forgotten to throw up.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

It's not that bad mate! keep smilin.

An country woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

I remember when i was working in The Land Services Building in Glasgow it was just across from the place were people go to be accessed for their capability to work (be taken off of benefits).
I noticed people going in with walking sticks , collar braces and all sorts of medical aids.

At lunch time I went for a pint in the pub round the corner, you would have thought you were in Lourdes there were discarded walking sticks and collars and all sorts of medical aids lying in the corner.

1. What is your favourite comedy film?
So I Married an Axe Murderer

2. What is your favourite comedy on TV?
Still Game,  A BBC  Scotland thing on the lines of Rab C

3. Who is your best Comedy actor/actress?

Mike Myres

4. If you could write a comedy what would it be about?

It would be built around the people i worked with and the things we got up to when i worked in Cape Canaveral. The MOD meets Auf Wiedersehen Pet.

5. What is the Funniest thing you have ever seen be it in person or on a TV show or film?

We were working on a dummy torpedo which was filled with water to test it you turn the props twelve times and the water shoots out of the front of the weapon into the air at a high pressure so that nobody gets wet we put the nose out and shut the doors. As we were doing this about twelve builders were walking up the road outside obviously just back from the pub. Two seconds before the water was due to come out I shouted ''fire one'' when they turned round and saw the water shooting out about fifteen feet in the air, they were diving in ditches and pushing one and other out of the way , we were pissing ourselves

I was in the Ettrick yesterday and the barman was reading or rather looking at the paper and he said ''I wouldn't mind giving that Nell McAndrew one''

An old guy said '' from  I've heard son, it's Andrew McNell you would be after.

I have just switched my email to gmail for info on comments and contacts could someone comment on this post to make sure i t  is\working.

I had a really good day out at Ayr races last Friday. I got the train down to Ayr and headed for a wee pub that I go to when I go racing.

I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.

I like him better than  my real ladder.

What do you do with  a dog with  no legs?

Take it for draggies

I remember in the seventies when jobs were easy to come by if a gaffer got on your tits you told him ''stick your job up your arse I can get a job anywhere.''

In the eighties and jobs were harder to come buy you said ''stick your job up my arse I can get a job nowhere''

I was sitting in a bar yesterday; enjoying two of my favourite pastimes, drinking and people watching.
I noticed three women walking along the road and all three had there arms folded below their chest, why do women do this I thought it is not a natural thing to do. The natural thing to do with your arms when walking, girls, is to do the same as your tits and your bum, swing them.

Any thoughts on this anyone?

I had a slight grin on my face when I herd that the people in South East were  being affected by an easterly wind that was carrying the smell of German farmers manure spray.
Doesn't Stan Boardman stay down there now, I can almost hear him yell ''The Germans stank our chip shop'' The smelly fawkers

It's a wee bit cloudy but the weather forecast is no rain so the garden can wait and with The Racing Post in one hand and hip flask in t' other I am off to Ayr races.

I fancy one or two so that is it, decision made. I will probably come rolling home about eight o'clock or later if  I get a few winners.

Love is all I have to give.

I was  reading Old Nicks post and I was reminded of the induction course I had in Coulport many moons go.

Well, well, well Alexi Salmond is the saviour of Scottish Socialism who would have believed it.

Gordon Brown take note, these are real policies.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was once a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Fred and I played for Wigan!'.

A girl goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. During dinner the woman is beginning to feel a huge fart coming on. The gas pains got worse and worse. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a little fart.

The father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits all over you!"

Why is it we spend the first three years of a childs life teaching them to walk and talk, then  spend the next twenty years telling them to sit down and shut up.

As I was sitting  listning to the babbels of the trolly dolly on the  plane, I thought to my self why don't they ask if you have any questions?

 Paddy  had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. 
 
 Mick, the bartender says,  'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy.'   Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way  then.' 
 
Paddy spins  around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face.  'Shoite' he says and pulls  himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off.   
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat  on his face, 'Shoite!' 
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be  fine.He belly  crawls to the door and 
shimmies up to the door frame. 
He sticks his head outside  and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his  face. 
'Bi'Jesus...  I'm fockin' focked,' he says. 
 
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to  the door,
hauls himself up the door frame,  opens the door and shimmies inside.
 
He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way',  but he crawls
up the stairs to his bedroom  door and says, 'I can make it to the bed.' 
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on  his face. He says 'Fock
it' and falls into  bed. 
 
The next  morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of 
black tea and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink  last night?'.
 
Paddy  says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
 
 
 
   'Mick phoned.  You  left your wheelchair at the pub
 
 
 

I would like to thank all my blog friends for their kind birthday wishes.
I had a great day, we went up the mountains to a farm and had a great meal and plenty of the local vino, my heid still hurts.
 
But the best bit of the day was that Annie let me be right all day long, no butting in, no contradictions I wore what i wanted without any strange looks and she laughed at my jokes. 
A perfect day.

Is the BBC turning into a televised version of the Sun,? leave the scandal to the sexperts.

The story reminded me of the eighties and the Tory sex scandals,  when asked what he thought of the  Cecil Parkinson  affair with his secretary, Dennis Skinner replied '' they don't do me any harm when they are in their beds it's what they do when they are out of bed that worries me''

The only good thing about the Olympics is that it gives minority groups a chance to air their views.

I went down to the harbour again this morning. There is a wee kiosk where the sell wonderful brandy coffee's  just the thing to start the engine.

Anyway must dash,  Dorado time