nultygoestopartick

Carol Thatcher went to apply for a job with the Labour Party. After her interview she waited anxiously for the outcome.

After a long silence Gordon Brown said "We do have an opening for a person like you." "Oh, gweat," she said, "What is it?" "It's called the fuckin door!"

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?

Jesus and Saint Peter are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Peter agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Peter tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Peter is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.

Ever hopeful of some help Peter slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Peter's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Peter. "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, ya diddy?"

I overheard this conversation yesterday. ''Mum you know when I lay down in your bed last night I shut my eyes and I couldn't shut my eyes, as much as I tried I just couldn't shut my eyes''

''But if you shut your eyes you must have shut your eyes, if your eyes were shut they couldn't be open, stands to reason''

''Yes but not really, my eyes were shut but I couldn't get no shut eye like when your blinking your eyes ain't shut when you are blinking are they''

Well they ain't bleedin open are they? other wise you would say they were open, not blinking, blinking idiot''

'' No I aint you just don't understand modern fings''

''O look a quiz I'm good at quiz's mum''
''yes so am I''

Mastermind beckons ..............Specialist subject Sleep Patterns

Saturday night being halloween I could hardly resist the chance to dress up and make afool of myself.

So I was rather convincing in a string vest, headband and a few choice renditions and rants in the style of Rab C Nesbit.
As the night got longer I got drunker and ended up like a black and white minstral´s take on Rab C with my face blackened and a white Afro wig to go with my string vest and headband

Mary Doll, AKA Annie was in very forgiving mood on Sunday morning but sadly it didn´t extend to a game of bouncy bouncy.

My young brother had a Subarachnoid Brain Hemorrhage two years ago this month and he sent me a copy of his account of how he felt before during and after the event.

He had written it for the Headway Website a help group for people who have had head injuries.

You made me very proud,very tearful and very glad you are still with us.

Well done you.

If you know of anyonne who has had a head injury put them in touch with this group.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Annie and I decided to go and get some money from the bank yesterday as the Euro was up to 112. We left at one thirty. We seen a friend of ours sitting the April Fool so we went in for a quick drink........we got to the bank at seven o'clock and then went to the Rob Roy then to the Claddagh

We will have to stop being so sociable it's costing us a fortune just to say hello..................

A boy from the highlands of Scotland and his father were visiting a mall in Glasgow. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old woman in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, " quick Stewart go and get your mammy."