I won a few quid yesterday so I have decided to go to Ayr races to day, I hope the rain stays off.
I told Annie if I am not back by eight o'clock I've won.

Food has overtaken sex as the main driving force in my life so much so that now I can't get into my own pants never mind anybody else's.

A  women goes to her doctors and tells him that her husband will not have sex with her anymore. The doctor tells her not to worry, he has a solution to her problem. The doctor says to the woman I am prescribing Viagra to him slip one pill in his drink at dinner and you will have the best sex ever . Then the doctor strongly advises the women not to put more then one pill in his drink. So the woman goes home and cooks a huge feast for her family and makes sure to put only one pill in her husband's glass. That night they had great sex.

The son replies to the doctor. "My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, my arse hurts, and my fathers outside screaming here kitty kitty kitty."

A warm welcome by Nultygoestopartick to Trin Trin now where are the Thomson Twins and Snowy?

This is really strange.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

Two frogs sitting in their house one was reading the obituary section of the paper,one said to the other ''what you reading that shit for'' ''I'm just looking to see who croaked it''

I have just written a letter of complaint to Baby Bmi with regard to our cancelled flights to Knock.

Lets hear it for the man in the street, hip hip

I looked out the window five minutes ago and it was nice and sunny, right I thought, time for the garden then holy weatherforecasts Batman ......................Hailstones, auch well, there's always tomorrow.

A wee boy went to his dad and said ''you know how you said if I want to know anything I have just to ask you'' yes ''well whats love juice''
The dad was taken aback he flushed bright red but he knew that he always said he would deal with these questions when they were asked.
So he sat down beside his son and said ''remember when mum and I told you about the birds and the bee's'' the wee boy nodded
Well before they make love the man touches the lady at her special bit and it gets wet and that is to  make it easy for them to make love, the wet suff is called love juice because it helps them to make love.

The wee boy said ''what the fuck has that got to do with tennis''

In a recent survey it was found that 60% of 13 year old  girls from London go out binge drinking on a regular basis.

I find that abolutely shocking, I mean who the fuck is looking after their kids.

Wrong Email
A man from Glasgow left the frozen streets of Partick for a holiday in Tenerife. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A mate of mine had just retired and he went  to the social security office to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

One in three Americans weigh's as much as the other two!

It's called a Wedding Cake

I was at the dentists on Monday morning, now I like dentists less than I like semolina and I don't like semolina so picture this.
 I was sitting there in the waiting room shiting my self, nervous whistle, fidgeting, trying to look as though nothing could phase me, I seen this sign, gift vouchers, gift fuckin vouchers in a dentists help ma boab.
I started thinking how I would give these gift vouchers to Thatcher, Hitler, Oliver Cromwell I  started laughing and people were looking at me in that ''he must be on drugs way''

Anyway I was telling my mate Jimmy about the dentists and he said it's been a long time since anyone had to tell you to OPEN your mouth.

I went into Partick the other day  to do some shopping. When I came out of the shops, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

He turned to me and said ''that will teach you'' ''it will not teach me fuck all pall I came here on the bus''.

I remember when I used to get pissed off with the job I was doing I would get really moody, almost depressed, so I started to send away for jobs and by the time the interview came up I was usually over it but I would do the interview anyway.It was so relaxing it was me  that was in control so much so that I started writing away for jobs  when I wasn't pissed off.

Going for an interview for a job you don't want and more to the point, don't need can be so much fun. I remember one interview in particular the guy said ''I've put you on the short list'' ''well just take me off it, if I haven't proved my self by now stick it''
The guy nearly fell off his seat.
 
It keeps your hand in ithe interview process and you might even like the job and you have always got your old job to fall back on and there is that feel good factor.
No pressure, eeeeeeeaaasy

As some of you know I have been researching my family tree for some time I have got it back to around 1750 to a place called Cashel, Achill Island on the west coast of Ireland and and that is about as far back as the records go in that part of the world.
It transpires that the family came from Ulster (the Name McNulty means son of Ulster) and were ousted from their land by Cromwell in the resettlement plan round about 1700 (I never did like him, now I know why)
The research has taken me all over the world, America, Japan Australia South Africa and England
The record is almost complete and to celebrate this I planned to go to Cashel on Sunday 22 of June flying out of Glasgow at six o'clock.
Sunday morning at eleven o'clock I got a phone call from my brother.............the flight is cancelled the next flight is on Thursday ........can you imagine the disappointment bags packed copies of the paperwork cd's of the research made up for people I had arranged to meet....... aaagh

I looked at the packed cases and thought fuck it, Blackpool! so nine o'clock Monday morning we were on the bus to Blackpool..

60. How did you get one of your scars?
I got my tadger caght in my zip..........a twelve inch scar.............

I omitted the final part of the answer so here it is, sorry to disappoint anyone.

when my tadger got caught i yelled jumped up and hit my heid
aff the wall and ended up with the twelve inch scar on my napper.